Is there an unwritten rule in dating about best friends and family? You know, don't tread where they've been?
And yet, there are stories of widowers who marry their late brother's widow or vice versa that lead to happiness. Or divorced people who end up with a sibling's ex and find bliss together.
Is this taboo?
Reddit user ThrowRAway636—a 27-year-old man—explained his situation with his 23-year-old sister and her 25-year-old ex to the "Relationship Advice" subReddit for, well, advice on one of these situations.
The original poster (OP) explained:
"Don't know how to tell my sister her ex and I are gonna have a baby."
His story goes:
"I want to be happy about this because I'm going to be a dad for the first time but also feel awful and don't know how this is going to affect my sister, Mel."
"She's my half-sister, same mom but different dads, so our last names are different and we don't look alike much."
"Plus I was studying abroad when my sister came out as a lesbian 3yrs ago."
"This is how Jenna (my girlfriend—her ex) and I never connected the dots until after we were seeing each other awhile."
"Mel developed feelings for Jenna when they were coworkers and they started going out. She was basically the person who helped my sister realize she was attracted to women and came out of the closet."
"I never met Jenna when my sister was dating her and only saw a picture of her once but that was when Jenna dyed her hair blonde."
"We were both busy with our lives so we didn't communicate much."
"I found out they broke up and Mel was completely heartbroken. She said Jenna no longer had feelings for her and was having doubts about her sexuality so she decided to end their year long relationship."
"I ended up moving back months after their break up after I graduated and found a new job."
"I eventually decided to try dating again."
"Went on a few Tinder dates and guess who I got matched with? Yeah, Jenna."
"But like an idiot I didn't think anything of it. I mean there's like a million Jenna's out in the world."
"We had our date and really clicked. She's so sweet, funny and genuine."
"I knew by the end of the date I was gonna fall for her hard."
"And we did. We loved spending time together and things got serious pretty fast."
"[The pandemic] made it hard to see each other often but we basically FaceTimed several times a day so we were still close in a way."
"Barely 2 months ago we finally figured it out. She slept over at my place and I got a call from my sister telling me how my mom's doing (one of her coworkers got [the virus] so my mom got tested; came back negative)."
"We talked about my family, I showed her a pic of my sister and she froze. Like literally her face went white."
"I asked her what was up and that's when the whole thing came out."
"We were both pretty shocked. Jenna knew Mel had a brother but because I wasn't in much contact with my sister back then we just both never knew."
"It was awkward but we both had (still do) deep feelings for each other and well...kept going out."
"I haven't been able to figure out how to tell my sister and now we've just learned Jenna is pregnant."
"Which we're both really excited about by the way. It wasn't expected and this relationship has only been going on 11 months, but we're still looking forward to being parents and love each other deeply."
"We're making plans to find a bigger place to move in together before the baby gets here."
"I just have no idea how I'm going to tell my sister all this."
"She was really broken when they split up and as far as I'm aware hasn't dated since. Jenna was pretty much her first love and I'm scared this is going to crush her."
"She's basically going to be the aunt of her ex's child and I'm not sure what's the best way I can break the news to her."
"Anyone have any advice on how to proceed?"
Plenty of feedback was provided, though most focused on things that already happened and can't be changed instead of advice for the future.
"Advice number 1- tell her ASAP. Tell her this exact story."
"Advice number 2- prepare yourself for the worst outcome because it may happen. Your sister might never want to see you or Jenna ever again." - freelanceredditor
"You should have told her 2 months ago when you figured it out. By waiting, it looks like you were intentionally keeping her in the dark."
"Tell her the truth and that you both only recently figured out the connection."
"Honestly, though, it's very likely she's going to cut you out of her life at least for a while."
"Knowing you and Jenna are together and having a baby will hurt badly enough; actually having to see you together and see the baby will probably be more than she can handle."
"Not trying to make you feel like you shouldn't be with Jenna, just want you to be prepared and braced for the loss." - the_last_basselope
"You have to tell her and you have to be prepared for the worst. You have at this time dated your girlfriend less than how long she and your sister dated."
"Plus she's not only your sisters ex, she's your sisters first love. That's going to hurt her maybe for forever."
"You have to accept that by choosing your girlfriend you may likely lose any relationship with your sister. And keep in mind this is likely going to cause a huge rift in your entire family."
"But you still have to tell her. You should have told her 2 months ago when you figured it out. It was unintentional until two months ago, anything after that is lying by omission." - jupitersreject
"You prioritized your relationship with Jenna over your relationship with your sibling the moment you found out and didn't tell her. Then, you made the choice to not tell her every day for 60+ days following."
"I won't even touch on the issue/concerns anyone would have over beginning a family with a relative stranger after only dating 11 months & admittedly doing most of said dating over the phone."
"Regardless, you're a crappy sibling for knowing and refusing to tell your sister. It was selfish of you to keep this from her." - waIrusgumbo
Others questioned OP's actions before asking for advice.
"I don't know, to me moving in and having a baby with someone you've known for less than a year who happens to be your sister's ex is uh.....really bad news."
"I don't think you're as innocent here as you're making yourself out to be."
"You chose to have a baby with this woman and thus permanently involve her in your life before even telling your sister that you two were dating. Mel should cut you out of her life in my opinion." - phanaerothyme
The OP responded to some of the criticism.
"I never said I was innocent. I'm here asking for advice on how to deal with the situation."
"We didn't plant to have a baby but are looking forward to it and making the necessary preparations."
However most people remained focused on the pregnancy instead of providing usable advice.
"I can't understand having a kid with someone you've never lived with and don't know well enough that their dating and work history never came up to the point where you have zero idea they dated your sister....(don't know how it's possible to not know, I don't buy it) like if that was shocking news instead of just basic background info do you even know one another enough to live together let alone parent a child?" - hedaleksa
OP did get a few pieces of usable advice.
"Wow, so many people focused on everything but the actual request."
"OP didn't ask for comments on whether pregnancy is a good idea or what should have happened in the past. Ship's sailed folks, so unless all y'all have time machines, stop wasting people's time with useless comments."
"OP, I suggest tell her first and then immediately tell the rest of your family. Do it all in writing in addition to on a call (if it goes as badly as you think, you're probably not going to get a chance to tell the whole story, especially to your sister)."
"Be honest!"
"'I met a wonderful woman, we clicked right off, fell in love, then on (give the specific date) we both discovered she was Mel's ex. Since then we've wrestled with how to tell you without hurting you'."
"'Not knowing how, we waited too long to tell you. We're sorry for taking so long'."
"'But we won't be ending our relationship. We're pregnant and intend to start a family together'."
"That's really all you can do. Rip off the band-aid and be prepared for backlash."
"You may find yourselves ostracized by your whole family." ~ LakotaGrl
The consensus is OP should have told Mel as soon as he found out. There's little he can do to minimize the damage at this point.
He's going to have to tell her and hope things will work out in time. Maybe it will turn out better than Redditors predicted, but he'll have to wait and see.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.