Marriage is a lot of give and take. Things may not always be exactly equal, but so long as the parties are working together, things should work out.
But it can feel like a lot of work if things aren't even close.
Redditor _thanksgivingAITA has that exact feeling with her spouse after an argument.
The original poster (OP) isn't sure if she was wrong after publicly outing his lies, and so asks the "Am I the A**hole" subReddit about the situation.
OP asked the board:
"AITA for telling my husband's co workers the truth about why he is always late for work?"
Why is her husband always late?
"Eversince My F[emale]33 husband M[ale]37 began working for this company. He became good friends with his co workers. His boss though is the strict type who doesn't telorate being late for work which is something my husband is guilty of and constantly gets in trouble for."
"He is NOT a morning person. And hates waking up early. Always did."
"I've taken it upon myself to wake him up since he is job was literally at jeopardy for constantly being late"
"Every morning is an absolute nightmare. He'd stay in bed til 7:30 refuses to wake up, he'd get so aggressive he'd knock off the alarm clock, Push his phone off the nightstand. Put the pillow over his head. Literally scream 'Go away I'm trying to get some sleep you ----!!!' When I try to wake him up."
"I'd try everything from shouting to removing the pillow and sheets, to shaking him to tickling to spraying him with water. And he'd wake up eventually but be in a very bad mood."
"Despite all that he'd end being late for work over a sock or waiting for his phone to charge. This is our life and I'm not complaining however..."
However, what could make this situation worse?
"It's Thanksgiving (we're in canada) he invited his co workers over for dinner. I could tell he was trying to 'impress' them since they're older than him."
"They were talking about how he's good in everything except that he's always late. He shrugged and said it's not his fault he's always late since he wakes up at 5:30, walks the dogs, gets the kids ready for school, make breakfast, clean up the kitchen, pack lunch then spend almost 40 minute waking me up."
"I was floored like I couldn't believe he was talking about us. I saw the judging look on his co workers faces as they all start telling him that their wives don't treat them this way."
"One of them asked me If I gave my husband 'thanks' for the tremendous work he does but I said wait wait this couldn't be further from the truth."
"I said actually if it wasn't for me he'd never wake up. I'm the one who constantly wakes him up and he doesn't even know how to set his alarm properly let alone wake up to what he said he does."
"His coworkers got quiet and he look shocked. I explained how hard I try to wake him up everyday and they started side eyeing him."
"He looked upset yet embarrassed and went off on me once they left saying i ruined his reputation and embarrassed him infront of them just to feed my ego. He said 'it's thanksgiving and you ruined it for me, what's wrong with you?' Then walked out."
"Idk if I should apologize for the awkward dinner."
To figure if OP was wrong for ruining the dinner, the commenters judge OP.
This is done by including one of the following in their reply:
- NTA – Not the A**hole
- YTA – You're the A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everybody Sucks Here
OP put in so much effort to help her husband, and only received anger and yelling in return. To then find out he was lying about her contribution to the household in the middle of a dinner, it's no wonder she reacted the way she did.
Commenters agreed that OP was NTA.
"NTA. Why are you with this man? He has no respect for you whatsoever." - HappiestCorgi5639
"Agreed! I got anxiety just from reading about what you have to deal with every morning."
"I'm no morning person but I can't imagine treating my partner like that every day when they're trying to help a grown adult complete one of the most basic tasks" – thewildlifer
"Uh… your husband's clearly TA."
"First of all he isn't even grateful that you wake him up, clearly telling since he yells at you when you try, second it's an a**hole move to blatantly make up a huge story and paint you in a bad light to his coworkers."
"Maybe you should stop waking him up and let him lose his job because he isn't responsible enough." - oatmilk_baby
"Your husband lied about when he wakes up. Tried to make himself out to be a super husband/dad that does practically everything every morning. Made you look like a sh** wife/mom in the process."
"After you have to deal with waking up a rabid gorilla each and every morning."
"And you are now somehow at fault for calling him out on his BS?"
"Stop waking him up. I cannot resist this bad pun, and I apologize in advance, but it might be the 'wake-up call' he needs."
"He owes you a major apology. NTA" - Tralfamadorians_go
"NTA, is he five?! Both in not being able to get himself ready in the morning and then the tall tales to cover it up?"
"Ground him and take away his screen time until he grows up." – littlebeanonwheels
Another commenter suggested what OP should do going forward.
"NTA. Stop enabling him. Tell him you aren't going to wake him up any more."
"Ask if he wants help setting his alarm, but that is it. Make him acknowledge that he heard you say you won't wake him up, with a full sentence (really. It matters)."
"Tell him you won't help him get ready. Then ignore the issue, ignore the whole thing, just take care of the kids and your own stuff. (Can't add his share of house and kids at this step, much as I think he needs to step up)."
"And tell him that you (and everyone online) are disgusted by him lying to his coworkers. Ask him why he tried to make his wife look bad, by describing his own rotten behavior and assigning it to her."
"Tell him trying to make you lie for him was a rotten thing to do, and he owes you an apology." – Neenknits
It's understandable why OP may not want to leave her husband to get up himself.
Without assistance, he may lose his job, which if it's their only source of income, could prove to be a lot of trouble.
But even if OP continues to help her husband wake up, he needs to at the very least be appreciative in what she does for him, and more importantly, not lie about her household contribution to his coworkers.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.