Before giving birth to her son, Redditor CrazyCatLady090904–a 28-year-old woman–and her 34-year-old husband used to split their household chores fairly.
Things changed significantly while she was on maternity leave, and during this phase, they made a deal about their chores once she resumed working.
After things did not go as planned, she visited the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA) subReddit and asked:
“AITA for expecting a 50/50 split in chores now that I have a job?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“I want to start by saying that my husband is actually a pretty great guy, this is actually one issue we can’t get solved and I decided to ask you folks.”
“Me (F28) and husband (M34) have always split chores before we had our son. My country has the option for mothers to have a two year maternity leave, so we talked about how during these two years I would take care of the house, as in cooking, cleaning and organizing things.”
“The deal was that after I resume working things would go back to us both splitting the chores.”
“I started work a month ago. Our son will turn two in a few days. I decided to change jobs. I used to work in retail and it was exhausting, but I got lucky and found work as a translator for a company, a Monday to Friday 9 to 5 job, which is easy for me to do and the pay is good.”
“My husband works as a salesman, still from 9 to 5, but I must admit his job is more stressful than mine.”
“We started having issues as soon as I got back to work. He would not do anything around the house, I mean nothing. Maybe once in a while vacuum and that was it.”
“He is a great dad, he is involved with our son, but he doesn’t do anything more than that when he is at home.”
“I on the other hand, after I finish my work, need to go pick up my son from my mother’s, cook, clean, feed the kiddo, put him to bed. I barely have any time left to have a shower in the evening.”
“I don’t have time to do anything for myself. I am lucky if I sometimes get a half an hour bath without falling asleep.”
“Yesterday evening I snapped. I told him this was not the deal we had. I am done working non stop and not having any me time.”
“His response was and I quote: ‘your job is way easier, I am more stressed and too tired to do anything else after work. You are a woman, and you need to figure out how to do this.'”
“I wanted to scream, but I was to shocked. I told him he needs to reconsider what he just said and I expect an apology and a change in his behavior. I have not spoken a word to him since.”
“AITA for expecting him to pull his weight, despite the fact that his job is more stressful than mine?
Especially if our salaries are actually the same, it’s not like I earn less than him.”
“He’s maybe getting 100$ more for a sale, but that is it.”
Strangers online were asked to declare one of the following:
- NTA – Not the A**hole
- YTA – You’re the A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everybody Sucks Here
Many Redditors sided with the OP was not the a**hole here.
“See, this is what I don’t understand about spouses like OP’s husband. When a spouse ends up doing 100% of the domestic work, the lazy spouse is literally making life harder than if the domestically responsible spouse were alone.”
“It’s like the lazy ones are playing a game of chicken with their marriage, a game they’re statistically more likely to lose. Like, major cut off your nose to spite your face situation. Do they honestly think putting someone they supposedly love into a lifetime of domestic servitude is going to magically be acceptable?” – Altruistic_Dust123
“Unfortunately, he’s reenforced in this by societal ideas. A working mother is expected to equally balance motherhood and work. A working father? Expected to continue on as before kids, and maybe ‘help out’ with the kid.” – AnyKindheartedness88
“There’s usually a turning point when a sexist/abusive/controlling/etc partner feels comfortable enough to show their true behavior. Having children is one of the main ones because you’re ‘stuck’ with them now (a kid is a lifelong connection).”
“He spent 2 years not having to lift a finger at home and now he’s comfortable with that workflow and comfortable telling you that it’s your job as a woman to adjust to his comfort at the expense of yours.”
“I’d go stay with mom for a bit if I were you (if she’s ok with it). She’s already watching the kiddo during the day, you won’t have to pull your husband’s dead weight, and he’ll get acclimated back to doing chores on his own. If he doesn’t adjust and pick up his slack, maybe consider making it permanent. NTA” – Wynfleue
“Do not do his laundry. Make him sleep in the spare room if there is one. Do not clean it. If you have a second bathroom, make him use that one and do not clean it.”
“When you cook, only cook for yourself and child. He can cook for himself. Do not do his dirty dishes. Put them in a large plastic container in his bedroom.”
“Or just tell him to go back to his mother’s or find his own place until he gets his mind right.”
“His not doing his share of household duties is abusing you. He is acting entitled. NTA.” – Careless-Image-885
“NTA, seriously, this is ‘sleep with one open’ statement, meaning if you’re stupid enough to let those words escape your lips, you’d better sleep with one eye open in perpetuity. Holy help me, I’d be quaking with rage at that statement.”
“OP, if he’s gonna go back on your deal, you have every right to opt out of your end, don’t do another thing for him, nothing, if you have to do it all alone, you might as well be alone and not have an extra child to care for.” – randomusername71175
“I’m sorry, did you say ‘pretty great guy?'”
“An ACTUAL pretty great guy does half the work so his son will grow up understanding that men and women both have to pull their weight. NTA.” – OneCraftyBird
“Ah. I bet he tells you that his boss is extremely hard on him – that way he has his sad pathetic excuse for doing zero chores in first.”
“It was a mistake to not split all childcare 50/50 after he got home from work when you were staying at home – and some chores too. Now he’s used to being lord muck, and is lashing out to retain his cushy life. Please don’t stand for it!”
“I hope he’s just having a stubborn childish moment – I’d draw up a full list of chores, and assign him half (the half that bothers you less). And I’d steadfastly not do his half. Do not give an inch. I did also like the solution of him paying for a cleaner and food prep service from HIS money too.”
“I’d definitely let him stew in his own sexist bile for a week while you and the kid stay with your mother. The weekend is too short to do this – he’ll probably see that as a ‘free weekend’ and there’ll be MORE mess when you get back. It’ll be the working week days when he has to dress properly etc that’ll kill him.” – BeneficialDark1662
“NTA. Also, how is he a “great dad” if with you two having the same work schedule, you’re the one picking up your son, feeing him, and putting him to bed? It sounds like he’s probably just good at playing with him and not so much the day-to-day general child maintenance/parenting things.”
“If you both work 9-5, you both have the same amount of time outside of work to contribute to the household. Even if your job is less stressful, that doesn’t give you more time at home to cook, clean, parent, etc. If he’s more stressed at work, he needs to learn some tactics for leaving that stress at work and unwinding in a way that he can contribute toward the household that he also lives in.”
“Obviously the ‘you are a woman, and you need to figure this out’ nonsense is a load of sexist BS. He’s a parent and an adult living in that house, so there’s a lot he needs to figure out.” – Purple_Sorbet5829
“Absolutely NTA, he was working the same job before and doing the 50/50 just fine right? If anything it sounds like you do most of the kiddo stuff so it should probably be more 60/40 with him doing more.”
“It also really threw me off for how he said ‘you’re a woman learn to do this’ not cool. Def NTA.”
Overall, Redditors denounced the husband for his misogyny and suggested he needs to step it up at home, regardless of his job demands.