There is nothing wrong with people enjoying a little alcohol every now and then, as long as they know their limits.
Unfortunately, there are far too many people who simply need to learn their limits, and think because their friend could handle three drinks, they could also handle three drinks.
Only to realize far too late that that wasn't the case.
Of course, they don't get themselves drunk intentionally, something other people have absolutely no trouble doing.
Including Redditor Early-Candidate-2984, who made it his mission to drink as much as he possibly could with his friends regularly.
Including a day he forgot he had a family obligation, resulting in his showing up in a state of inebriation that did not go unnoticed by his family.
Resulting in the original poster (OP) becoming persona non grata.
Wondering if he had done anything wrong, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**hole" (AITA), where he asked fellow Redditors:
"AITA for going to my younger brother's birthday party whilst really drunk?"
The OP explained how he forgot about a very important day after having one too many, and his efforts to disguise his drunken state proved unsuccessful.
"So me (18 M[ale]) and my friends were drinking a lot yesterday morning and we got really drunk."
"By the way I know day drinking seems weird but for the past few months me and my friends have gotten drunk nearly every morning since we're all 18 now and it's legal."
"So it's more of a tradition than anything concerning."
"I forgot it was my brother's (2M) birthday."
"If I had remembered it was his birthday then I wouldn't have drank this morning but I didn't so I had to go there at about 1pm whilst still really drunk."
"My mam asked me if I had been drinking and I said no but I think she knew anyway and she was upset with me."
"She said that it was completely inappropriate."
"But I didn't really do anything at the party that would be classed as rude or offensive."
"At the most I only had slurred speech but I stayed out of everybody's way anyway."
"I gave the present to my mam and I went home so that was it."
"But this morning my mam left me a voicemail saying I'm not allowed to speak to my family until I get 'things sorted out'."
"She said it was really inappropriate of me to show up there and especially in front of my uncle."
"I'll be honest I didn't even notice my uncle was there but he is a recovering alcoholic so I guess that would've been bad for him."
"But I didn't see him and how was I supposed to know he was coming?"
"Either way I feel really bad that I've upset my mam."
"I tried contacting her to get it sorted but she hasn't responded so AITA?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring;
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
There was little doubt in the minds of the Reddit community that the OP was indeed the a**hole for showing up drunk to his younger brother's birthday party.
Pretty much everyone was saddened and horrified by his behavior, with just about everyone also agreeing that he had a worrisome problem with alcohol which he needed help with immediately.
"YTA, it's not a tradition if you are doing it nearly every day."
"It's a problem."- Liquidest_Ocelot
"YTA."
"Yes, the drinking IS a problem, especially as it seems to run in the family."
"You have been drunk so much lately that you didn't remember a BIRTHDAY PARTY IN YOUR IMMEDIATE FAMILY."
"Don't show up to a toddler's party smashed."
"Call your mom, walk over, hand the gift to her, and go home without taking your drunk self into the party."
"You're TA for not paying attention to the date or any plans being made because you're spending half the daylight hours staggering drunk."
"Sounds like you already had a present bought?"
"Even more TA, because that means YOU KNEW, just got too drunk to remember or care."-maroongrad
"You're been getting drunk every morning for months and you don't find that concerning?"
"You might have remembered it was your brother's birthday if that wasn't the case."
"YTA."- Country-girl-2212
"YTA ."
"But also, this is really worrying from the perspective of your health."
"Day drinking occasionally is passable but every day it is going to do you some serious damage, the most likely being that you become reliant on it."
"But turning up to a small child's birthday party drunk was pretty bad."
"It would have been better to call your mum and tell her you had forgotten and had had some drink and would come over when you had sobered up."
"Slurring your words and stinking of booze in front of toddlers is not acceptable."- Sloppypoopypoppy
"YTA."
"And getting drunk nearly every morning for MONTHS literally just because 'we legally can now' isn't a 'tradition', it's a ROUTINE, more specifically, it's the routine of a bunch of alcoholics, or a bunch of teenagers who are well on the way to becoming alcoholics."
"The whole point of making it legal for you to drink at 18 is that you're SUPPOSED to be old enough to be responsible about it."
"Clearly you aren't, since you're treating it like some sort of thing to be celebrated EVERY SINGLE DAY."
"Like, dude, you're also 'legal' to enlist in the army, but you don't line up at the enlistment office every day."
"You're legal to drive, but I'm guessing you don't lose your mind with excitement about that every morning that you wake up."
"You can legally do all the things you could do BEFORE you were 18 as well, but I suspect that you're not outrageously excited about being allowed to stay home alone without a babysitter?"
"Saying that you're getting piss drunk every morning 'because we're legal' is just evidence that you're not at all mature enough to be drinking, since you clearly can't do it responsibly or with any sort of restraint."
"You're a menace, and YTA."- FoolMe1nceShameOnU
"YTA."
"You should not be showing up for a family birthday drunk, and I'm sure your drunkenness was a lot more noticeable than you think it was."
"And furthermore, getting drunk nearly every day is not normal."
"You're well on your way to full-blown alcoholism, if you're not there already."
"I don't care what time of day it is."- BogBabe
"Drinking every morning isn't normal, that is an addiction."
"I could see a few day drinking days on the weekends, but not every day."
"Have you tried stopping and how did that go?"
"You need to be very cautious with addiction as it tends to be genetic."
"I don't really care at all that you went to the birthday drunk, even though it was probably inappropriate, I'm concerned that this is the beginning of a serious problem."- AbroadTemporary5359
"YTA."
"Getting drunk every morning isn't a tradition."
"It's alcoholism."
"Get help."- muse273
"YTA."
"No excuse for getting drunk every morning, and no excuse for showing up at a 2-year-old's party drunk."
"I hope you'll change and see how awful all of this is sooner rather than later."- cranbeery
"YTA."
"You were admittedly 'really drunk' by 1pm."
"And you class this habit as 'tradition' at this point."
"And you were drunk enough all day yesterday to completely forget your brothers birthday today."
"Dude, you've got a problem."
"This isn't just celebrating being of legal age."
"This is justifying your problem because you're of legal age."
"I know you probably won't pay any heed, I probably wouldn't have at your age either but GET HELP."-Thrwwy747
"Hey OP."
"YTA but get some help."- Prestigious-Act-4741
"YTA."
"What in the world makes you believe getting drunk not just every day but even every morning because you turned 18 isn't an issue?"
"Also you're aware you were very drunk; saying there was no big issue just means you didn't see it."
"As someone with alcoholic people in my family, I assure you drunkards are most often an embarrassment and have no idea of it."
"You were so drunk you didnt even notice yiur uncle was there."
"Especially your brother is 2, a young child, you forgot his Bday and lied to your mom about your condition."
"You don't care about your family and are asking on Reddit if you're the AH instead?"
"Dude, get help and new friends asap."- PrettyFall94
"Yta."
"And you have seriouse problem with alcohol."
"Morning drinking and making it a tradition, forgetting other obligations and having problems with them due to alcohol, not seeing this red flag situation as a problem."
"It will go downhill if you don't act."- Azot2n
It's hard to decide which is worse, that the OP felt it was no big deal to get drunk on a regular basis, or that he thought showing up drunk at his toddler brother's birthday party was in any way acceptable.
One can only hope that being effectively cut off from his family will be the wake-up call he needs to change his behavior.
Rather than his liver being permanently damaged by alcohol.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp