How long a person mourns and how is as individual as snowflakes.
But someone having thoughts or criticisms about another person’s mourning process is almost inevitable.
A woman whose mourning didn’t match someone else’s expectations turned to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for feedback.
PanickingJess asked:
“AITA for lying to my late fiancé’s mom about dating again?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“So back in 2021 my fiancé passed away very unexpectedly. We had been together for almost 3 years and our relationship was toxic to say the least.”
“When we were good we were great, but when we would fight it was terrible… I did love him though that’s why I stayed.”
Anyways, so after he passed, his mom who never really liked me no matter how much I kissed her a** would one minute like me and lean on me. Unfortunately then the next she’d send me long messages accusing me of all sorts of stuff and kinda threatening me.”
“This went on for about a year, maybe over, after his passing. She eventually stopped.”
“One thing she kept accusing me of was dating/already seeing new people BECAUSE my fiancé’s best friend and me would text about how we missed him and reminisce on old times together!”
“I was 21 at the time of his passing, then 2 years after his death I met a very sweet guy. I told him I wasn’t ready to date yet and we would just be friends.”
“We became very close and after a couple of months we began dating. It had at that point been almost 3years since his passing.”
“Now I still occasionally see his mom or she calls me. She always makes a point to tell me she couldn’t handle if I started dating again and she prayed I wouldn’t.”
“It’s been almost 5 years since his passing, and she thinks I’m still single.”
“Even my mom, who watched what all she put me through, told me not to tell her because my mom knows she’ll put me through hell for dating again, no matter how much time has passed!”
“I feel terrible for lying to her…. But honestly, I don’t wanna tell her cause she really acts as if it would devastate her. I get told by others I’m just protecting her, but I feel like I’m being an a**hole for not telling the truth.”
The OP summed up why they might be the a**hole in their situation.
“I had a family member tell me I was being an a**hole for not telling my dead fiancé’s mother the truth about dating again. I do feel bad about it at times, but I feel like I am keeping the peace too, so it’s okay.”
“But my family members have brought to my attention that what I’m doing may be considered wrong and one told me I was being an a** for not telling the truth to his mother.”
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors were divided on their judgment of OP.
Some voted NTA, others YTA, but all agreed that OP needed to cut this woman out of her life.
“YTA to yourself, cause… why not just… block and forget? What do you gain by maintaining contact with this person?” ~ nickelangelo2009
“There’s absolutely no reason to have contact with this woman. OP said his mom never liked her. This just seems like a petty way for the mom to continue to make herself miserable.” ~ booboo773
“OP’s fiancé was toxic and abusive, and so is the MIL (just using MIL to refer to her, I know she’s not an in-law). There’s zero reason to keep her in OP’s life after all of these years, and MIL is just projecting her feelings onto OP.”
“It’s time for everyone to move on. OP can’t hide her actions from MIL forever, and so it’s time to be honest with her. If MIL can’t accept that, then she needs therapy and to stop harassing OP.” ~ numbersthen0987431
“Your fiancé is gone. It is sad, but LIFE MOVES ON. Your fiancé’s mother’s life may not – but you are too young to waste yours. Five years is more than a respectful time period to grieve and move on.”
“Remind her that you won’t forget your fiancé, but you deserve a life. If she doesn’t agree, time to cut ties.” ~ Watchingtheworld71
“There is no reason for the woman to hold space in your life. You’re choosing to let her have that. Start choosing yourself.” ~ AccomplishedChart873
“NTA. The mother of the deceased bf is a grown woman. You were barely that when he died.”
“I would suggest you send a message saying you wish her well, but it’s now time for you to move on with your life, and you won’t be in contact again.”
“Then block her.”
“What you do is not her business, and keeping her attached to you is going to stop you moving past this relationship properly.” ~ au5000
“What you do is none of her business. She wants you to adopt a Queen Victoria attitude and live your life in a state of perpetual mourning. She can do that herself if she wishes, but it’s completely unreasonable for her to expect it of you.
Hopefully all the YTA judgements will give you the boot up the backside you need to stop being a pleaser to somebody who never liked you or wished you well in the first place.” ~ WestLondonIsOursFFC
“Expecting you to mourn your ex for the rest of your life just to please her is beyond controlling and you are buying into it.”
“You are not tied to this woman anymore. If you being happy devastates her, that speaks volumes about her. Besides, it’s no longer her business. Let go of her expectations.”
“Go live your life and be happy.” ~ Mullein55
“Whenever I read these types of posts, I wonder if you live in a very small town or a rural area where everyone knows each other’s business.”
“Tell your former fiancé’s mom the truth: it’s been four years, that you are dating, that you are moving on, and hope that she understands. Then let it go. Block her if you have to.”
“YTA for not telling the truth.” ~ Ordinary-Audience363
“NTA. You need to go no contact with this woman. She’s toxic and clearly unstable. Block her number, change your number, and move on with your life.” ~ SigSauerPower320
“No judgment, just quit having any contact with this woman. You said yourself she never liked you so who cares what she thinks at this point, you no longer have any ties to her.”
“I’d think she was just bothering you about staying single to make your life worse. Just block her and move on. If you live in a small town and you see her just cross the road or walk past her. She has no claim over your life.” ~ Illustrious_March192
“NTA. It’s not lying to deprive someone of knowledge that is none of their business. But block her and stop talking to her.”
“She sounds toxic and weirdly obsessed with your celibacy. This isn’t the 15th century and she’s not the head of the local convent, you need a life, block her, move on.” ~ Upbeat_Weird_7321
“This woman made your life miserable when your fiancé was alive and you are still allowing her to do so 5 years later, why?”
“You have no connection to her now, you both need to move on from one another.” ~ alittlelostsure
“YTA. Your relationship with this woman seems to have run its course. She’ll always be his mother, but this person, however beloved to you, doesn’t need to be the sole love interest of your life.”
“You should get therapy to help you manage what will be complex feelings and also decide whether you want this woman in your life or not. Good luck.” ~ TresWhat
“If this was a normal ‘ex’ and you split up, you wouldn’t be in contact with his mum. You’d have all moved on. Because he died, you were there for her, and that tells everyone you’re a caring, kind person, but you do seem to have swapped one toxic relationship for another.”
“Now it’s time to get in with your life fully. You are allowed to do that. You’re allowed to date, marry, move away and all of that thing called life without troubling yourself over what ANYONE—let alone the mother of a long-departed ex—thinks about it.”
“This is YOUR life. Go get on with it. No assholes here (except the ex’s mother).” ~ FabulousTrick8859
“NTA. Why are you still talking to a woman that you yourself said never even liked you, and wants so badly for you to spend the rest of your life without a companion/partner that she literally PRAYS for that to be the case? Block her, cut her off completely, avoid her at all costs.” ~ DA-7400
“OP, you don’t owe this woman any information about your private life.”
“If lying makes you uncomfortable, OP, you could try responding with an innocuous truth: ‘For as long as I live, your son will hold a special place in my heart. He was my first love’. If she responds with direct questions, you can say ‘I’m not comfortable sharing personal information with you’.”
“The next time she says something unkind or manipulative, you can say “I feel for you, but I can’t continue to have a relationship with you. Our interactions aren’t good for me.”
“Then block her. You’ve long since met your obligation to be kind to this person.” ~ EllySPNW
The OP may not know if they’re the a**hole or not, but they’ve been sent a clear message about what they should do.