One of the downsides when finding a new partner is navigating a relationship with your partner's friends.
As there is no guarantee that you will hit it off with their friends the same way you hit it off with your significant other.
In some cases, you find that you simply have nothing in common with these friends, and find yourself with little to nothing to talk about when left alone with them.
In more unfortunate cases, however, you may discover that you in fact, simply don't like them at all.
Something Redditor toffee908 was grudgingly accepting when they discovered that their boyfriend's friends wanted to go away on a trip for his birthday, without including them.
Until these same friends had a change of heart and decided they did want to include the original poster (OP) after all.
Albeit, in a very specific manner, which the OP wanted no part of.
Wondering if they were wrong for feeling this way, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**hole" (AITA), where they asked fellow Redditors:
"AITA for refusing to go on my boyfriend's birthday trip because his friends want me to be his present?"
The OP explained why they wanted no part in the plan their boyfriend's friends hatched for his upcoming birthday surprise.
"It's my boyfriend's birthday soon, and his friends are planning a trip to celebrate."
"I wasn't originally invited which was fine with me as they're going to party and gamble which isn't my thing but now they want me to come because they think I'd make a great surprise present for him."
"The way it was sold to me was that I would be alone for a few days before they revealed the surprise and that I couldn't tell my boyfriend or anybody else I would be there."
"I said no because it honestly makes me feel gross that they want me to go only to sleep with him and to pretend I'm not there for the rest of the time."
"They've offered to change the plan around if I'd agree to go and his best friend has been guilting me by saying my boyfriend would want to see me on his birthday so I should do it for him."
"Another friend has also made unfunny jokes about how they would have to find a replacement gift if I didn't go."
"AITA for refusing to go?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
The Reddit community wholeheartedly agreed that the OP was not the a**hole for refusing to be their boyfriend's birthday surprise.
Everyone agreed that the plan concocted by friends of the OP's boyfriend was demeaning, and the OP was well within their rights to say no, with many suggesting the OP tell their boyfriend about their plan to see how he reacts to it.
"NTA."
"This isn't 1969, and you aren't a call girl."
"Do they want you to pop out of the cake naked all while singing 'Happy Birthday'?"- zwergschnauzer
"NTA."
"You are a human being, not an object that can be hidden in a closet and taken out when it's convenient for them."
"Don't let them manipulate you into being an object that they can use."
"Tell your boyfriend now about how his friends want to isolate you for days without telling anyone in another city so you can be his 'gift'."
"And that if you didn't do it, they implied they'd find another girl as his 'gift'."
"If he brushes their actions off, well all I gotta say is, he's not a keeper."- Turkeysocks
"NTA."
"Tell your boyfriend about it and why you don't want to."
"It will solve the problem."
"That way it can't be a surprise anymore and he can see, or not, how creepy his friends are with you."
"Why do they think they can tell you when you 2 have to have sex together?"- Maleficent-Art-4171
"NTA."
"Do these guys have girlfriends or wives?'
'If so, maybe they could help explain the stupidity of their suggestion."
'If not, well, I'm not surprised."- jmcboom
"Wow."
'Several bright red flags here.'
"No sane woman puts herself in the hands of a group of partying men for days without anybody knowing where she is, no matter what the reason.'
"And this isn't even a good reason."
"You have to question the judgment and motive of every man that would suggest it.'
"Super creepy."
'Ditch this sketchy crowd and go on to live a long and happy life."
"NTA."- RocketWoman55
"NTA in my opinion."
"What in the actual God-Forsaken F*ck?!"
"So firstly that whole 'plan' is pretty f*cked up to me, but even leaving that out you're not an a**hole."
"Call me crazy but even without the context of you being left alone for days with no one knowing where you are and then being revealed as a 'present' only to be left alone again afterwards, yikes, I think you're well within your rights to just not go."
"If you don't wanna go on that trip, no matter the reason, it's your choice, and no one should guilt you for it."
"The specifics just make it even worse.'
"Again, this is just my opinion, but to me you are not the a**hole in any way, shape, or form."-AVerySmollBrownie
"NTA."
"They should have seen how messed up it was to just have you on standby for a few days while they're out having a fun time."
'They could have flown you in later or included you if they wanted you to be there."
"You don't owe them anything, especially after what they're saying to you."- Birnbook
"NTA."
'This is gross."
'You need to talk with your boyfriend, and explain how this has made you feel."
"His friends are creepy, and the jokes about finding him a different present if you don't go is completely out of line."
"Talk to your boyfriend!"- Leahthevagabond
'You're not a call girl or a living sex toy."
"NTA."- Sfarsitulend
"NTA."
"You aren't something to be 'given' to your boyfriend."
"Sex isn't something you owe someone because it's their bday."
"Are these friends of his adults?"
"They certainly don't seem to think like an adult.'
"Definitely do NOT let the one friend guilt or manipulate you into agreeing."
"Even if he does insinuate that they'd get a replacement."
"Not sure how long you and bf have been together but these friends are a huge red flag."
"Id definitely inform him of his friends 'stipulations'."- HillBillyFillyKyGal
"NTA and ew."- Trishshirt5678
"So, Your BF's friends want to give him 'birthday sex' for his birthday and are effectively treating you like a living fleshlight to make that happen."
"Absolutely gross."
"I would definitely talk to your boyfriend about it, just because if you decline, and you definitely should, his friends would almost definitely encourage him to cheat on you."
"Probably with some bs line about how 'XYZ means it 'doesn't count'."
"NTA."
"At all."- faygoFluent
"NTA."
"This is the kind of thing I'd bring up with a partner and see how they react to it, and so they know what their friends are doing behind their back."
"Isn't enough info in the post to ascertain if your bf is immature as his friends."
"If he's disappointed that you said no, and spoiled the 'suprise', then I'd say consider being done with the lot of 'em."
"If your bf finds it as inappropriate as you do, then there's a chance of a way forward if your bf has matured faster than his friends."
"If you don't feel comfortable about telling your bf, then that may also be a sign to end things."-quenishi
"NTA."
"Definitely creepy on the friends' part."- Magoo69X
"NTA."
"You're not an object."- Bridgett_WDW_OTO
"NTA."
"Nothing these guys propose is even sane."
"You are not theirs, to give away to someone else."
"If they feel they have a right to demand she perform on their behalf, it's really not that much of a stretch for one or more of them to decide that they should get to sample the goods, too."
"Especially if drunk and extra stupid."
"You are not a thing to be locked in a closet and trotted out to perform on demand."
"You are required to pay to go to please him for a short time."
"Likely while the other guys are whooping it up outside their door and cracking jokes, if not trying to barge in, and make yourself scarce before and after performing your service."
"That is just creepy."
"Or if they are 'pranksters' I could just imagine them leading you in while the birthday boy is being 'serviced' by a stripper or escort."
"Just to see what you'd do, for entertainment."
"Or to drive you off if they think he's not fun enough anymore."
"And then there's the manipulation."
"'He'd want to see you on his birthday!'"
"Well, if he did, he would have brought you along, or done this boys' trip at another time and did something for his birthday that involves you."
"You are not obliged to pay to be 'their' gift, so they don't have to pay to get him something."
"And that's the kindest interpretation of their statement!"
"Or the nastiest interpretation: a threat, that if you refuse then they'll find someone else for him to have sex with instead."
"How… nice."
"Birds of a feather flock together."
"What the heck is your boyfriend like to enjoy palling around with this bunch of creeps?"
"I hope he's better than this sounds, but I have a hard time believing that."- quats5
If the friends of the OP's boyfriend thought that their presence would make him happy on his birthday, one has to wonder why they didn't simply suggest the OP join them on the trip in the first place.
One also can't help but wonder how none of them seemed to think the OP would be offended when asked to be their boyfriend's "naughty little surprise".
Should this relationship last, it seems that the OP's boyfriend will have to divide spending his time with the OP and his friends, as one can only assume the OP will never want to spend time with his friends ever again after this.
That is, assuming the OP's boyfriend wants to remain friends with these guys after learning about this.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.