Most of us know the right thing to do. The question is whether or not we're brave enough to do it.
And when it comes to outing a family member for doing wrong, it can be that much harder to do what's right.
One teen found this out when they decided to report their own mother, according to the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor ReactivationCode-1 struggled with this decision, wondering if they were in the wrong.
The Original Poster (OP) asked the sub:
"AITA for getting us banned from the local food pantry?"
From the beginning, it was clear the situation was complicated.
"Let's just say my mother has issues. Extreme issues."
"We're really struggling financially and she is going well off the deep end in order to compensate."
"For example, she will spend all her food stamps money in one go. I mean cart fulls of food and food products. Right down to the very last cent."
"She then stuffs the fridge, freezer, and pantry so full of food that the house is bursting at the [seams]. Then, get this: she will literally touch nothing until everything goes bad."
"She buys hundreds of dollars worth of food, goes out to eat instead of using anything she bought, and we end up throwing everything out."
"I tried telling her to ration the food stamp money throughout the month. Not blow it all in one day and not touch anything she bought."
The OP believes this might be a symptom of hoarding.
"So you have a bit of an idea of what I'm dealing with here."
"To me, it seems like she packs the house full of stuff in order to ignore the reality of our financial situation. The hoarding is her way of putting up barriers. Veiling herself from the truth."
"Another aspect of her denial is the local food pantry. She insists on going every week, even if we don't have room for anything."
"Guess what happens to that entire car full of food? Waste. Goes in the trash."
"I tried telling her to stop but she refuses to."
But then another problem developed.
"Week after week of throwing food out is finally getting to her because now she goes to the pantry, gets the food for free, and re-sells it for money. Which, if I'm not mistaken, is illegal."
"Not sure if it's better than throwing all the food out because she'd rather have McDonald's than a home-cooked meal."
"Then she found out from her friend that you can go back through the pantry more than once if you're sneaky about it. So she's been trying that."
The OP finally decided to put a stop to it.
"It was at this point I called the pantry and told them what's going on. I reported my mother anonymously. She has since been banned from the pantry."
"I know the concept is great and we could benefit from it, but I don't want my mother taking full advantage of the kindness and compassion of volunteers working for a good cause."
"Yeah, it was a shot in the foot, but one I feel was necessary."
Since posting, the OP has also answered some questions from the sub.
"Do I cook the food? Yes. Some of it. I cook what I can."
"But the problem is that no matter how much we clean out the fridge, she keeps it so stocked that I can't put anything in there."
"Not even leftovers. It's why I'm somewhat discouraged from cooking."
"What do we do with waste? Unfortunately, we can't just donate it back or to other places. [The pandemic], for one."
"We do try to give the food to other people in need but Mom sees that as a wasted opportunity to make money. She doesn't want us to give away food without having money in return."
"So she would rather throw out what she can't sell instead."
"Where is my Dad in this? He lives with us but he's given up hope. He simply doesn't fight her."
"The thing with him is he hates food. He's the kind of person who wants a block of blah with your essential nutrients and vitamins."
"Nothing else. So he really doesn't care."
"How old am I? 25. Due to circumstances beyond my control, I still live with [my] parents."
"Do we eat though? Yes. I do, personally. I try to cook more. Less eating out."
"How does she afford to eat out when we're on Food stamps? Mom doesn't work and she has complete control over my father's finances."
"Again, he has completely given up and [lets] her do whatever she wants."
Fellow Redditors rated the OP's situation on the following scale:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some said OP was NTA, stating the mother was being highly unethical.
"NTA. If there is food that can be used to cook meals, but isn't being used and instead wasted while abusing a system that is used to alleviate difficulties for profit, then it's just wrong."
"You're preventing food that could be given to someone who needs it from being sold for personal gain." - 132Sunny
"NTA. What she is doing is just not right. It isn't ethical. Period." - advait2701
"NTA. I'm sorry you're going through tough times, but your mom is exploiting a system made to help people who cannot afford necessities."
"She's taking from other people in your shoes and wasting it or worse taking advantage of those same people by having them pay for the food she took. You did the right thing in reporting her, if only to stop the exploitation." - jonah_sachs
Others agreed the mother was unethical but said there were NAH, pointing out poverty could be impacting the mother's mental health.
"NAH. Sad situation. My parents hoard food only to end up going out to eat most of the time as well, both are unemployed and I don't know how they pay for it."
"But honestly, it's going to be exhausting to get in between your parents and behaviors like this. Likely your mom will just find another pantry."
"Hoarding is a serious mental health condition and I recommend you move out as soon as possible, and don't try to fix it because it will drain you." - Justanotherhottie
"NAH because it sounds like your mother is mentally unwell, and I find it hard to call someone like that an A-H. (If she weren't, though, she would be a huge one.) Are there mental services for hoarding available in your area?" - murano84
"While what OPs mom is doing is not good, it's very clear she doesn't need to be banned from the food pantry and from using food stamps, she needs long term mental health care." - FewPosts0
"Heya, I work at a food bank. I'm so sorry for your situation, people don't realize that poverty can take such a huge toll mentally."
"I think you did the right thing letting them know, but I would call them and fully explain your situation and see if they have any recommendations."
"There may be kitchens that you could go to for a cooked meal once a week, for instance, or they may be able to help your mother get care for her mental health."
"Please believe me that her behaviour, although erratic, is by no means unique. We see people do this a lot as a reaction to scarcity and they will not be surprised or judge you for it. Truth is you both need support. NAH." - HeyThereJemima
Others agreed with this assessment.
"I have a feeling that the mom also traumatized by her childhood where she barely have anything to eat. But it doesn't add up with the takeout and exploiting." - Reigo_Vassal
"NTA try to get your mom some counseling. Hoarding is a really devastating and difficult disorder." - KatJen76
"Your mum sounds unwell. I'm guessing there's little chance of getting her treatment if your dad is going along with it."
"You are definitely NTA and finding ways to curb the worst of her behavior may be all you can do." - ACatGod
"My first thought was definitely that mom is depressed and probably has grand plans for the food shes buying/getting but ends up not having the mental energy to do any of the work" - Vincent-Mango-gh
"I think it's more about hoarding. If the pantry is full then she can tell herself they have food and won't starve and everything will be OK."
"If she eats the food in the pantry then it's gone and it might never be back and that's inducing panic. Hoarding is a notoriously difficult mental illness to treat. I feel bad for both OP and the mom." - Traveller22
We can probably all agree, the mother was wrong for wasting and reselling the food another family in need could have used.
However, as many Redditors pointed out, there might be an explanation for the mother's behavior. Hopefully, she and her family get the help they need.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp