Wanting to honor our loved ones is a natural human instinct. We pass down family names from generation to generation, and often we name and re-name our children after dearly departed loved ones.
So when now-deactivated Reddit user found herself pregnant, she wanted to pass the names of her dearly departed friends on to her children, but she was met with some resistance.
Unclear if she was doing the right thing, she went to the popular subReddit “Am I The A**hole?” or “AITA” in order to get some perspective.
She asked:
“AITA for wanting to name my kids after my ‘dead friends’?”
Our original poster, or OP, told us about her lost friends.
“I had three best friends Kate, Grace and Mike. We knew each other since kindergarten, so were were absolutely inseparable.”
“However, tragedy struck when the three of them died in a car crash. They got drunk, and the alcohol in their system caused them to drive in an insanley high speed.”
“(This was also before the pandemic, so there were obviously not a certain time on when they could go out or if they can even go out in general).”
Following this, OP has been in a bad state.
“I’ve gone through a deep state of depression after that and I’ve gone to therapy. It has done a lot for me and I’m truly grateful to my therapist for helping me get through the rough patch.”
“I’ve got my life together, and I’m currently married to my husband Liam and we are very happy together.”
“We recently found out we were expecting triplets ( Two girls and one boy). It was a big surprise but we were really excited nonetheless.”
OP wanted to honor her friends.
“I wanted to name them after my friends. It may be a bit weird, but I’ve wanted to do so to honor our friendship and at the end of the day they are really cute names, so I thought they’d suit them perfectly.”
But her husband was not on board.
“I’ve spoken to my husband about this and he expressed saying how he wasn’t to keen on naming our kids after some ‘dead people’.”
“I’ll admit, I was offended when he said it like that. These were more than just people to me, they were like a second family. I’ve discussed to him about a compromise, maybe we can name them something similar, but he wouldn’t budge.”
And he doubled down.
“He insisted that it was really creepy of me to suggest something like that and that we’d be choosing something that’s completely different from their names.”
“He’s kind of giving me the cold shoulder right now, and I feel a bit upset. I need some third perspective here, AITA?”
“Edit: Forgot to add this: •I was 20 when the accident happened and I’m 25 now so it’s been 5 years. •I’ve asked him if we could at least name one of them after the triplets, or give them middle names, he won’t go for it at all.”
Anonymous strangers weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH – No A**holes Here
Redditors had a few different opinions, mostly surrounding toeing the lines of comfort for both OP and her husband.
“NAH. I understand why you’d want to honor your friends, but I wouldn’t be comfortable with this either.”
“The thought of naming three kids after a group of three dead friends makes me really uncomfortable for reasons I can’t put my finger on.”~ostentia
“ESH (but also sus—you have three dead childhood friends and just happen to be having triplets with that exact gender makeup?)”
“Him for phrasing things rudely, you for not dropping the issue and moving on when it became clear that he’s not into it.”
“Names for children are a ‘two yes, one no’ situation and he can veto the names if he doesn’t like the idea.”~EstherandThyme
“A soft YTA, I see why you want to do it, but the names need to be agreed by both parents and you keeping pushing it won’t change his mind.”
“It’s okay that he doesn’t want to name the babies after your friends that passed away, a lot of people don’t like naming babies after a dead person.”~redditor191389
“It’s a nice thought but please think about the people it will effect.”
“How will the children feel about being named after a group a car crash victims? The children deserve their own identity.”
“How will the victims immediate family feel about your choice.”
“Over all I think it’s a bad idea.”~miniatureduck18
People are unsure themselves how to feel, and therefore are unsure how to give OP advice.
“NAH but you would be the AH if you continue to press the issue.”
“AS someone else said, baby names are something where both parents really to agree and one parent saying no means… no, find something else.”
“It’s valid for you to want to honor your friends but it’s also completely valid that he doesn’t want to name his kids after people who have died–especially under the circumstance which they died.”~strikingfirefly
“NAH. There is nothing wrong with wanting to name them after someone that had a special impact on your life.”
“There is also nothing wrong with husband wanting some kind of input on it. Talk it out and compromise.”~Shambzter
“NAH: I get why you want to name the kids after your friends, but realize you want to be able to have all 3 of both his and your children named after your friends.”
“Understand he has no emotional connection to those names it’s understandable that he’s not being completely for the names.”~OneMikeNation
“NAH. Naming kids is a two party game. While I 100% get you in wanting to name your kids to honor your friends (my nephew is named after my brother’s best friend who was killed in a car accident when they were in high school, 20+ years before the kid was born).”
“They are your husband’s children, too, and you need to both agree on the names. While his words may well be insensitive, his feelings are equally valid.”
“Find names you agree on. Maybe use your friends names as middle names?”~slydog4100
But everyone does have one unified message: it has to be a mutual decision between OP and her husband.
“I’m not so sure about that situation, but I don’t think that you are an a**hole for thinking of honouring your friends by naming your kids after them.”
“I also understand your husbands point of view though. Maybe he’s superstitious that these names might be foreshadowing of your children’s future or afraid the kids might not like their names after hearing about the backstory to them.”
“I think you should ask your husband why he doesn’t want your kids to be named after your friends and also ask him what criteria a name needs to fulfill in his opinion and why your friends names don’t fulfill those.”
“Also I think you should tell him that almost every name has been used before and somebody with that name almost definitely has died previously.”~NickieFeld
“I am going to go with a slight YTA. Child names should be a cooperative decision between you and your partner.”
“If one person does not like/want that name, then that is it. It took my wife and I a good bit to settle on a name that both of us could agree on, but we eventually did it.”
“My wife even wanted 1 of the names for her best friend, but I honestly did not like it and she was OK with my decision.”
“In the end something like this needs to be a thing both people can agree on, and if your husband does not want those names, then that should be the end of it.”~Sea-Hornet-2530
“NAH atm, but you would be if you continue to push when he’s already said no.”
“Someone somewhere said that with baby names, it takes both parents to say yes to a name, but only one to say no, and that’s the end of discussion.”
“You both need to be comfortable with the names and since your husband isn’t comfortable, you need to think up names you both want.”~singing_stream
“NAH? first of all, I would hate to be named after some people who drove drunk.”
“I know that’s not how you remember them because they were your friends, but as a kid with no connection to them, I would hate knowing that I only got my name because my namesake made the decision to drive while intoxicated.”
“But I recognize you want these names out of love for their memory. as others have said, names are a ‘two yeses, one no’ situation, so your husband can veto the names.”
“I hope you can find another way of honoring your friends without burdening your future kids with that legacy.”~fatbellylouise
This is a delicate situation and it calls for delicate handling.
Hopefully OP and her husband can come to some sort of understanding about this sooner rather than later.