Having family you can trust is the ideal, but too many children find themselves in a situation where the adults in their life can’t be trusted.
When those children grow up, how they handle their childhood experiences shapes their future.
A woman dealing with an untrustworthy mother turned to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for feedback.
ShesLowKei asked:
“AITAH? My mum asked me to send a picture of my 16-year-old’s birth certificate so she could open him a bank account, I said no.”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“She can not be trusted. She said she wants to open him a bank account to put money in for him.”
“He already has a savings account I opened for him when he was a baby that he can’t touch until he’s 18. What banks in England let you open an account with a picture of a birth certificate‽‽”
“I said no and to give me the cash so I can pay it into my account and transfer it to his account—has to be a papertrail and no cash can be paid in directly and I wouldn’t want her having the account details anyway.”
“Now my mother and siblings are bad mouthing me that I won’t let them open a bank account for him to use.”
“I’m pretty sure they only want his birth certificate for the registration number to try and commit fraud because why else would they want just a picture of it and not the actual thing?”
“My dad opened up bank accounts for us children when we were little and put a lot of money in them for us (my aunty confirmed and my older sibling recalls it).”
“When my mum left my dad and got a new man she used all our money to pay for parties and gifts for her new man. Whenever family would gift me money as a child she would take it and say she’d keep it safe (then spend it).”
“She asked to borrow £2k from me, then preceded to say I didn’t deserve it back because I have a job. There’s loads more examples, but that’s the jist.”
“I know she’s got bank accounts open in my siblings’ names that my siblings don’t know about, because she hides money there. She’s on benefits, but works for cash.”
“I am a people pleaser, my mum is a narcissist, and my siblings her flying monkeys. They say they hate her, but then they’ll do anything for her and let her control them.”
“For example, my one sister is scared to speak to our biological dad in case our mum finds out. She’s 37 years old and she has her own house! What are you scared of?”
“But she has no problem making false social services accusations or doing insurance fraud whem mum tells her to. Like, she’s scared of the wrong things. It’s so weird.”
“I could hand them physical evidence and if my mum calls me a liar, they will say the evidence is fake or even ‘I’m not gonna even look at that’.”
“I have my own little family to look after now I can’t be trying to convince grown adults what is right and wrong when they only support the wrong it’s very draining.”
“My siblings aren’t my friends. It’s sad to say they are more like frenemies. My mum has pitted us against each other since we were toddlers, but I was the scapegoat child and once she kicked me out at 17 that was it—everyone against me.”
“I’m sorry, but I don’t care what she does with their secret bank accounts because they actually don’t deserve my help given they wouldn’t listen to me anyway. We’re all grown ups now. If my siblings can still put up with my mum’s bad ways, I can’t and don’t want to help them. We’re all of age now—I don’t need to be in this battle for them.”
“I could write a book on the bad things mum’s done and it’d be a best seller I reckon. So I do have to second guess myself when I pull back from their demands.”
“I thought I was strong enough to not let them bully me. I am trying to cut contact now and seeking therapy for the support to do it.”
“My mum is notorious for taking money from all of us. I don’t want her abusing my son’s finances the way she has mine. I need to find out if she’s done anything under his name, because my gut tells me she has.”
“I am looking into therapy, it’s part of my New Year goals. What I’ve realised when I self reflect is that I am the product of severe emotional abuse, so sadly the way I think isn’t as normal as others who have had healthy emotional upbringing.”
“I do realise this and I am working on it, but I do trip up. Like I spoke to my mum the other day and let it slip I’m going abroad and now she’s fuming and wants to know why I’m going abroad and exactly who’s going, etc….”
“I’m not even looking forward to going now because I fear she’ll do something horrible like try and get me detained at border control. She just can’t be happy for me and even though I know this, I still give her the benefit of the doubt and I hate that about myself.”
“I really wish I knew what they were planning behind the scenes. They obviously don’t really want to open a bank account, so my stomach is churning to think what’s the real motive.”
“I partly think she’s going to try and do a benefit claim, because I don’t receive any benefits and she does. My gut is telling me she’s trying to add him to her benefits to get child related benefits for him. I know that seems crazy wild, but it’s really what I’m half thinking.”
The OP summed up why they might be the a**hole in their situation.
“I refused to let my mom open my son a bank account so she can put money into it. It may make me the a**hole because he hasn’t got a current account to use, but he does have a savings account he can’t touch.”
“He shouldn’t be with large amounts of money anyway.”
“He’s only a child and doesn’t have a job yet, so he doesn’t need a bank card when he also has my bank card on his Apple Pay if he runs out of physical cash.”
“I understand at his age he should be learning the value of money, but opening a bank account is a parental responsibility and I don’t feel my son is ready for that yet.”
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
“NTA. She can save money in a random account of her own and give to your child later.” ~ Disastrous-Nail-640
“Absolutely do not give his birth certificate to them. NTA.” ~ angelicak92
“Make sure these documents aren’t in a place where your mother can find them if she visits and tell your kid and his father about the attempt.” ~ Ok_Homework_7621
“Your son is old enough to have a difficult conversation with him regarding your family.”
“You need to tell your son your concerns and that you are afraid they might reach out to him. That under no circumstances should he comply and that when they do try, he should tell you even if they say he should keep it a secret.” ~ -Avacyn
“Get a safe, lock the documents in there. Bolt it to the ground.”
“Lock down his credit and report her for her fraudulent activities. Bad juju or not, she’s trying to f around your sons financial security. Destroying his credit is unacceptable. Why do you keep these people in your life? Protect him at all costs. Go no contact.”
“Not sure how it works where you’re from, but in Canada you can’t open a credit card before the age of 18. You can however open bank accounts and theoretically she could overdraft those.”
“Whatever service is used to order another certificate, make sure you have two factor authentication set up on that too.” ~ Consistent_Jello_318
“NTA. She can give him cash and he can decide to deposit it in savings or spend. This is a non-problem, made up as an excuse to get a minors birth certificate to open an account online that they can exploit themselves. I say them because any siblings taking her side are enablers/flying monkeys or in on it.”
“You are not alone. Many people have families where the bond is not based in love and affection but usefulness and manipulation.”
“And here’s the truth, when people say you need family what they are thinking of is safe, trustworthy people who have your best interests at heart. When you don’t have that from biology, you don’t have to stick with horrible lying people you cannot trust.”
“You can go low contact (remove all but one path of access to them, block on social media and telephone, don’t answer the door if they come by, but leave 1 email they can use and you answer it if/when you want to) or you can go no contact (just cut them off entirely, burn the bridge).”
“To reconnect it will have to be rebuilt on your terms.”
“I did both. My mother and sister did not have access to me or my children for 4 years. We now maintain low contact on much better terms.”
“And then go find the good, solid, trustworthy and loving people who you choose as family. That will be who your child grows up knowing. Blood is not a dictate, just an option.” ~ Viva_Veracity1906
Sometimes the best thing you can do for yourself and your family is say goodbye to toxic relatives.