Thanksgiving dinner can be a very awkward time to get to know new people.
Especially if the new or newer people are your significant other’s parents.
If this is going to happen, one of the more important things to do is for partners to be on the same page about where they are in the relationship.
A serious miscommunication can cause serious issues.
Case in point…
Redditor Character_Bed_1205 wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback. So naturally, she came to visit the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit.
She asked:
“AITA for introducing my boyfriend’s parents as ‘Grandma and Grandpa’ to my son?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“This last Thursday I (29 F[emale]) went over to my b[oy]f[riend] ‘Jay’s’ (25 M[ale]) house for Thanksgiving and brought my son (4) with me.”
“I and Jay have been together for a year and a half now, and he is the most amazing man in the world.”
“He’s been amazing with my son (his bio father is not in his life) and I can genuinely see him as ‘the one.'”
“Jay’s parents came over as well.”
“It’s not that I don’t get along with them, it’s just I have only ever seen them 3 times before this Thanksgiving.”
“I have not had any time to really bond with them I guess.”
“They had never met my son in person either, but they both knew about him.”
“By the time I arrived Jay’s parents were already there and helping him finish up dinner.”
“We greeted each other and Jay’s dad asked ‘And who’s this little guy?'”
“I introduced them to my son and then introduced Jay’s parents as ‘Grandma and Grandpa’ to my precious boy.”
“I didn’t notice at the time, but all three of them became quiet almost immediately.”
“I ended up waiting in the living room alone for almost half an hour before dinner and things just were incredibly awkward for the rest of the night.”
“My son did end up calling his parents by grandpa and grandma and I quickly noticed both of them would be very disingenuous and awkward about it over dinner but they did not say anything to me about it.”
“They didn’t stick around for long after either but when they left both were very cold to me.”
“I asked Jay what was their deal and he lost it at me.”
“He claims I put him in an incredibly awkward position.”
“His parents apparently didn’t think we were ‘that serious’ yet and began to question him if I was only using him as a ‘replacement daddy.'”
“He said that it was way out of line to introduce them that way without even talking to him beforehand.”
“I think it’s ridiculous.”
“If one day he’s going to be my son’s stepdad then why go through this formal nonsense?”
“He claimed that’s ‘not the point’ and we ended up fighting until I stormed out.”
“We have not talked since and I have simply been waiting for an apology.”
“I talked with my sister about it last night and she said she was mortified to hear this.”
“Saying she also didn’t get the read that we were all that serious and she never felt like Jay intended to take on a ‘Dad’ role.”
“This has got me questioning if I was wrong.”
“So AITA?”
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP WAS the A**hole.
“YTA. You basically made the decision that Jay and his family are now your son’s family all on your own, with no discussion beforehand, and THAT is why everyone is upset.”
“While I’m sure no one is AGAINST the idea outright, the ‘formal nonsense’ is a very necessary step when it comes to merging families.”
“And to be honest, you probably need to have a serious discussion with Jay about where this is heading sooner rather than later if both his parents and your sister did not think you two were that serious.”
“What if he does not actually see himself as a father to your child, or does not see the relationship that seriously either?”
“THIS is why we need the ‘formal nonsense,’ and talking it through with everyone involved.” ~ TheAshenDemon4
“YTA- ah OP.”
“I had that conversation with my own parents when I was pregnant.”
“They have the right to choose what they are called.”
“They chose unconventional nicknames rather than traditional.”
“What you have done is an even bigger conversation than that.”
“It’s a profound assumption. Aside from whether that’s where your relationship is you need to ask how they want to be called.”
“Sigh. Oh goodness OP. You need to be the one to apologize.” ~ DrMamaBear
“OP is definitely the A.”
“But this has ZERO to do with what grandparents are called, and EVERYTHING to do with the fact that her bf’s parents do not have that ‘family by choice’ relationship with OP.”
“She was way out of line forcing this issue, and I predict that this will be her ex by the end of the year.” ~ HazardousIncident
“You hit the nail on the head as these were my thoughts exactly.”
“A lot of parents would be quite concerned if their 25 year old son were involved with a 29 year old woman with a four year old child.”
“There isn’t sufficient background in terms of what their lives are but OP got her hooks into him when the guy was 23 or so which is quite young for a lot of guys especially if they went to university.”
“They are just feeling their way in the world.”
“This is true of women as well of course as I think many parents wouldn’t be thrilled if their relatively young daughter were involved with an older divorced guy who was bringing step children into the mix.”
“Things happen but blended families aren’t the easiest – and here is a situation in which the bio dad isn’t involved which means no financial support either I would suspect.”
“OP has gotten a lot of comments indicating that she was out of line so not to pile it on but obviously OP was mistaken about the commitment level of her boyfriend – or more accurately I would suspect ex boyfriend.”
“She was thinking marriage – he was thinking what is probably his first quasi-serious relationship.”
“In my circle of friends and kids of friends, the norm is not to get married until early 30’s and there is generally a first serious relationship in the early 20’s which doesn’t end in marriage.”
“I guess in some ways it is equivalent to getting married young – divorced and then married a second time in 30’s with the second marriage having greater longevity.”
“OP should learn to read the room. If you haven’t discussed marriage, it almost certainly means the guy isn’t thinking about marriage.”
“He actually told you that since he said they didn’t know he was serious which means HE was not serious.” ~ Jujulabee
“My spouse and I have been together 12 years, own a home together, share finances etc… and you know what my kids call his parents?”
“They call them by their first names, even though they describe their relationship as step-grandparent/grandchild.”
“And they treat each other the same way they treat their full grandchildren.”
“OP YTA. And just super immature as well.”
“I have a feeling if you keep waiting for an apology you’ll never hear from Jay again.”
“If you really think he’s The One, take a hard look at your own behavior.”
“And when you understand how you wrong you were, offer a meaningful apology with a plan of how you see your relationship moving forward.”
“By the sounds of it you don’t even live together yet. Jeez.” ~ VelvetGloveinTO
“Plus that is a terrible thing to do the kid.”
“What if the bf parents decide they don’t want to be the grandparents or if OP and bf break up.”
“Not only is this kid losing ‘dad’ but a set of grandparents too.”
“For the love of all things holy please if you have kids don’t do this.”
“Have the adult conversations before bringing in the kid. YTA.” ~ 750more
“YES. I can’t believe I had to scroll this far before seeing someone mention the child.”
“How do you encourage your child to form attachments to people like that?”
“Am I reading correctly that they have never met before?”
“OP has only met them three times herself, and she tells her four year-old to call them Grandma and Grandpa? Yikes? YTA.” ~ nodumbunny
“YTA. That’s a major leap to introduce them with those terms when they don’t fulfill that role.”
“And the fact that he may one day be stepdad doesn’t mean he’s Dad unless you had a serious discussion about if he will take on that role.” ~ Kris82868
“Are you really shocked that the parents of a 25 year old aren’t ready to be called ‘grandma and grandpa’ yet?”
“YTA. You massively overstepped.”
“It was not your place to introduce them at all, and especially not without asking if they were okay with that title.” ~ greenseraphima
OP came back with an update…
“Ok, I messed up.”
“I genuinely thought Jay would be ok with this.”
“Jay has always treated my son so well.”
“I guess I misread treating him kindly as being ok with being his father figure.”
“I’m pretty sure I ruined this for myself, but most importantly I hurt my son through all this.”
“I called Jay and apologized.”
“We’re going to be taking a break.”
“I’m going to look into making sure I didn’t scar my kid with this.”
Well OP, Reddit clearly doesn’t agree with your decision.
But it seems you already heard the message.
Hopefully you and your son can move past this without a lot of pain.
Good luck.