The longer a marriage or friendship goes on, there are more and more opportunities for someone to mess up by cheating or lying.
But sometimes, the hurt comes from making an unfair assumption instead.
In one instance, a wife made some pretty big assumptions about her husband and a good friend.
The OP (Original Poster) “Foofoobunnyla” shared her story in the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA) subReddit, wondering if she was in the wrong for demanding her friend complete a paternity test.
The OP asked:
“AITA to ask my friend (single mother) to do a paternity test on her son because I had suspicions my husband was the father?”
Talk about a doozy of a question!
The OP confessed up-front that the situation was complicated.
“Messy but I’ll make this as short as possible.”
“So one of my best friends had a kid 3 years ago. She said it was a one night stand and later the guy expressed no interest in being a dad so she raised her son herself.”
“No one has ever seen this guy, not even me.”
But the situation was important to the OP, due to an uncanny resemblance.
“The issue is this: this kid looks EXTREMELY like my husband like to an insane degree. The hair color, eyes, face everything.”
“He’s even been out with my friend and her son and people have mistaken him to be the dad before.”
“Needless to say for three years now I’ve had my suspicions but I haven’t said anything. My husband is also close to my friend and the timeline works out.”
“We were all living almost in the same neighborhood around the time she got pregnant.”
Finally, the conspiracy became too much for the OP to keep to herself.
“Over the past year it’s really eaten at me. I see the resemblance growing more and more. It doesn’t help that my friend refuses to show me a picture of her son’s biological father no matter how much I asked.”
“It kept spiraling until I had a meltdown and confronted both of them, saying that I will pack up and leave if I don’t see a paternity test.”
The OP’s insistence on a paternity test ruined her friendship, and maybe even her marriage.
“Long story short, my friend got a paternity test but said our friendship is over. The test says my husband isn’t the father.”
“I feel so ashamed to lose my friend but I thought my husband would slightly understand since even he sees the obvious resemblance between him and this kid. But he has moved out for the time being and I’m worried this is the end of our marriage.”
Now the OP is wrestling with a lot of feelings.
“AITA (Am I the A**hole) for insisting on that test?”
“I honestly felt like I had no other choice. The resemblance was unavoidable and it was eating at me so much that no amount of therapy could help.”
“I thought my husband would understand my fears most of all given my history with past cheating exes.”
“Did I f**k up and how badly?”
Fellow Redditors scored the situation anonymously, using the following scale:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some Redditors really thought the OP messed up.
“Big old yikes. YTA, OP. I didn’t see anything to indicate that you had reason to suspect your husband of cheating on you with your best friend, but you went ahead and dynamited that whole bridge anyway.”
“I don’t really see how any self respecting person could maintain a friendship, much less a marriage with someone who so easily thought they were having an affair.” – NC_NE336
Some disagreed and understood how deep feelings of insecurity can go.
A few even came up with conspiring questions of their own.
“Not to mention it doesn’t say the circumstances surrounding the test. Was it one of those you can buy on the internet and send in? Because they could have used anyone’s DNA. Or was it a legit test that it’s 100% his dna that was used?”
“I don’t know. I dealt with my ex for 16 and he could come up with real convincing stuff when he wanted to to prove he wasn’t doing stuff he shouldn’t behind my back. Spoiler alert: he was. All along.”
“He just got really good at getting people to lie for him and figure out ways around things. And that’s why he is an ex now.”
“I think it’s weird in this story that the friend was being so weird about the dad though. To not even tell your best friend who it might be? That just seems like things at least a good percentage of friends talk about.” – ashburd
Others felt for the OP’s friend, questioning the position this whole situation placed her in.
“Someone explain to me how the BFF’s behavior is strange. According to the post the BFF has an oopsie after a one night stand. BFF decided she wanted to continue the pregnancy, the one night stand decided they wanted nothing to do with it.”
“Was she supposed to demand a professional head shot from him while he was signing away his parental rights just in case any of her female friends got suspicious? Why would she have any additional information about this man?” – neobeguine
“Right? The only correct course of action was to do the test and cut contact. She did the test so she can prove it in case this delusional woman comes after her.”
“People don’t understand what it is like to deal with [mentally] unhinged people. It is terrifying because you never know what they are going to do a d when they fixate on your kid it adds a whole extra layer of scary.” – Viperbunny
“OP was fixated, by her own admission. Her friend may have thought the whole situation was insulting and stupid long before the demand for a paternity test.”
“I’d be angry about the constant poking and refuse to feed it. That’s not odd behavior that’s the behavior of someone with boundaries and a spine.” – xakeridi
The OP didn’t return with any updates, but Redditors were pretty clear in their judgment. OP was definitely wrong to make such a demand about someone else’s child to assuage her own fears and insecurities.