When witnessing an injustice inflicted on someone you care about, your initial instinct is to protect them. But how far would you go and at what cost?
That is something Redditor throwaway691500, a 23-year-old woman, struggled with after facing the consequences of intervening in her brother’s relationship.
When she took matters into her own hands to bring attention to something that upset her, it backfired, which led her to the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA) subReddit.
She asked:
“AITA for telling my brother’s gf the entire family hates her?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained what the family’s deal was with her brother’s girlfriend.
“My family is shallow. From a young age, my parents stressed to us the importance of looks and appearances. Everyone in the family either models or does some kind of sport to remain fit, the same is expected of any future spouse we bring.”
“Last year my brother Ben 28 male introduced us to his girlfriend Jia 26 female. Jia is sweet but she is the total opposite of what my brother used to date with the main difference being her weight. Jia is not obese but she’s definitely plus sized.”
“Her size, unfortunately, warranted a lot of nasty comments from my family, most are said behind her back while some are said in a joking tone in front of her. The family doesn’t shut up about how Ben deserves better and how Jia is not up to their standards.”
“Over the year they have been together Ben did little to nothing to stop our family from teasing Jia behind her back, only stepping in when they have gone too far like photoshopping her face onto a cow and making prints of it.”
“I’ve had multiple conversations with my brother about the topic and Ben admitted that although he doesn’t find Jia attractive she is a great partner and will someday make an amazing mother so he is willing to overlook her ‘lacking.’ I was disgusted by him.”
“A month ago was my cousin’s wedding and while the entire family took pictures together Jia was asked to step back and ushered to a different room.”
“The reason she was given is that until marriage no one was allowed to join family pictures in case of a breakup, which I guess some families do but ours never did. They never had any issue with Bens’ previous partners joining pictures, only Jia.”
“After the wedding, I decided that enough is enough and asked Jia to meet up privately for a conversation. When we met up I showed her all the text messages I gathered of family members insulting her and showed her how Ben did nothing to defend her and even joined in the ‘fun.'”
“I told her that I’m sorry she had to find out this way but my entire family hates her and I think she deserves a lot better than Ben considering he did nothing to stop their behavior.”
“Jia looked sad at first before telling me I’m a b*tch for showing her the texts and that she’s not planning on breaking up with her bf so she would rather remain oblivious to how his family viewed her.”
“I later got a call from Ben also cursing me out for telling Jia the family hates her for something she can’t control (aka her appearance) and it would’ve been better for everyone involved if she remained oblivious.”
“They are still together and ignore me whenever I see them which makes me think I’m an a**hole and shouldn’t have said anything.”
“Sorry if I made any spelling mistakes, English is not my first language.”
Strangers online were asked to declare one of the following:
- NTA – Not the A**hole
- YTA – You’re the A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everybody Sucks Here
A good majority of Redditors thought the OP was not the a**hole here.
“NTA for trying to protect her by letting her know the truth. I feel sad that she’s willing to tolerate this behavior.”
“It sounds like her self-esteem is so low that she’s willing to accept it because she thinks she can’t do any better. 🙁 – PinkedOff”
“It’s really sad because I can already picture her future. She will end up being his wife, having his kids, and doing all the housework while OP’s brother goes out and cheats on her with women he thinks lives up to his attraction standards.”
“She will put up with it all while the family continues to say nasty things about her, but instead of it being behind her back, it will be to her face. Then her brother will eventually leave her for a woman who ‘meets his standard,’ after she has raised the kids to a certain age.”
“She is in extreme denial, and all OP was doing was trying to save her from future heartbreak. NTA.” – stop_spam_calls
“NTA, you did the right thing.”
“The truth hurts, so instead of accepting the truth sounds like it’s Jia is just going to blame you instead. That sucks but you can’t control other’s stupidity.” – LunaticBZ
“She’s in for a world of hurt because if looks matter that much to your family and your brother joins in on the fun, he’s going to use her until he finds someone that is more in line with his aesthetic.”
“She’s going to be left heartbroken, pretending she doesn’t know why they broke up. NTA.” – kreeves9
“Jia is badly hurt right now and looking to her partner for support, who probably downplays the problem and blames OP for blowing it out of proportion.”
“I wouldn’t be surprised if Jia comes to her senses one of these days after she’s had a good think and some more of the family’s behavior to endure.” – cottondragons
“NTA, you did that girl a favor. Seems like she might think your brother is the best she can get so it doesn’t matter or she’s in it for the money it sounds like your family has. You did a good deed and I bet she’ll regret not listening to you in 10 years.” – Holymolyhannah
“NTA. Perhaps you could have found a nicer way to break it to her, but your family is animals. That is purely disgusting behavior and your brother is the worst for treating not only his girlfriend but also the future mom to his babies if he gets his way, like garbage.”
“Jia sounds unfortunately like an insecure person that does not believe she deserves better. I hope she finds the strength to leave. You as well. Your family deserves each other.” – -Dahlian-
“NTA.”
‘Ben admitted that although he doesn’t find Jia attractive she is a great partner and will someday make an amazing mother so he is willing to overlook her “lacking”. I was disgusted by him.’
“Ugh, my ex was the same. Wasn’t attracted to me but knew I was the only girl who could tolerate him and would be a good partner/also didn’t want children. Found this out after we dated.”
“But I give him credit; his mother hated me for not being ‘good enough’ for her son (she’s upper class) and he still stuck up for me to the point where he got cut off. Until we broke up, then all of Mummy’s Money came back to him.” – NowWithMoreChocolate
“NTA. Remaining with your brother is her choice, but honestly, she should know this before it gets worse.”
“Yeah, it really sucks to hear, but if she wants to remain oblivious now, it’s on her. Honestly? If the mocking is that bad, showing her what she is getting into is fine. She’s going forward while knowing.” – whichwitch9
“NTA: You have a good heart, op, yet you need to take a massive step back from your family. And I do mean going full no contact with these people. Block them, leave the group chat and continue to live your life without their influence.”
“Now onto the issue on hand; let it go. Your brother has already shown his true colors. He does think his girlfriend is ugly. He is shallow. Which is unsurprising when he was/is raised to have such horrid standards. Let him be a jerk, move on.”
“His girlfriend is unfortunately settling. There’s nothing you can do about that. Instead, she holds all the cards, so let her deal with their bullsh*t. If she wants to stay and play pretend, that’s on her. Wipe your hands clean. Move on.” – Metorjetta
“NTA. You’re not joining in on this disgusting fat shaming that your brother apparently finds ok and funny. I would for sure rather know than keep being oblivious.”
“Now if she wants to stay with your sh**ty brother and join your sh**ty family that’s her business. I think it would be 1000x worse to get this info years down the road but that’s just me.” – hwilliams0901
While many Redditors supported the OP’s decision in revealing what the family really thought about Jia, users also expressed disappointment in her reaction to the news, and they did not have high hopes for the longevity of her relationship with Ben.