A person’s choice of relationship dynamics is really no one’s business unless they’re part of that relationship.
Some people feel committed monogamy is their ideal. Some opt for sexually open monogamous relationships. Polyamory as well can be committed or romantically or sexually open.
There are almost infinite variations available for romantic and sexual relationships.
One Redditor was fine with her friend—and houseguest’s—chosen relationship type, but her friend didn’t see it that way once they heard the house rules. Their reaction to the rules eventually lead to a blowout.
So the Redditor turned to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for judgment.
Redditor Some-Artichoke-4250 asked:
“AITA for telling my friend to ‘keep her polyamory shit to herself’ or leave my home?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“I know it sounds bad, but context is everything.”
“My friend Emily is staying with my husband and I for a week. She was evicted from her apartment after an incident with her ex boyfriend, and she had just two weeks until her new lease started and nowhere to go, so she’s staying in our apartment.”
“One of the house rules I gave her was no visitors/partners. Emily is poly, and she has 5 current partners, and when I told her none would be able to visit (as I am an asthmatic and am trying to stay safe) there was a lot of complaining.”
“Twice she compared her experience of me not allowing a visit from her partners to homophobia, which pissed me off because I’m queer (OP later clarified she’s bisexual) and Emily’s straight, and that’s a hell of a thing to accuse a queer person of.”
“Well I ignored her, because I feel like it’s my house, my rules. In two weeks (only 5 days left!) she can resume life as normal.”
That wasn’t the last thing the OP and her husband had to ignore.
“Next came the ‘discussions’ as to why monogamy is ‘morally wrong’.”
“These happen almost every night at dinner, when my husband and I have finished a long day of work.”
“We are at our dinner table and have to be lectured by a houseguest as to why monogamous relationships defy nature, how they’re all destined to fail in a pile of cheating and jealousy, and how much more enlightened poly is.”
“I have no problem with poly, but I just see it as a preference, not an inherently better relationship model.”
“We ignored that behavior as well.”
Then came the OP and her husband’s last straw.
“She broke us last night however.”
“For some reason I was feeling sweet (probably all the wine I had), and decided to pull out my wedding album (I know, dumb choice to make with Emily there, as I now see in retrospect).
“I was looking through pictures with her, and I pointed out that the ceremony pic is my favorite because it’s just super cute and she says ‘yeah it’s cute, but it’s kind of a lie to promise a lifetime to someone. It’s just not realistic’.”
“Well I blew up. I told her to ‘keep your polyamory shit to yourself or find somewhere else to sleep for free’.”
“I then went to my room, slammed the door, and cried. I haven’t spoken to her since.”
“My husband is on my side, he’s been sick of the lectures from her, especially considering how often Emily texts us ‘SOS bad breakup, let’s get drinks’. I just can’t take the condescension and lectures in my own home.”
“Am I crazy? We are doing her a favor by letting her stay with us and she’s even been eating the meals I cook!”
“Am I being a rude and controlling host?”
Redditors had a variety of options for passing judgment on the OP, but they all picked one: Not The A**hole (NTA).
“NTA – She is a guest in your home, if she cannot abide by your rules and respect you then she can find another place to crash at until she can go somewhere else.”
“You are indeed doing her a favor and she should be grateful for that instead of complaining at every turn.” ~ EntranceShadows
“This. She’s staying for free in someone else’s home.”
“If you can’t follow a simple rule and not trash your host and her husbands relationship you are a big a**hole.” ~ Bigboyc**
Several Redditors pointed out a fun fact about the OP’s houseguest and her “more enlightened” relationships.
“…first thing out of my mouth the minute she remarks about my relationship would be ‘YOU’re f’king 5 people, and you can’t get a free bed for a couple weeks?’. NTA.” ~ NotAsSmartAsIWish
“This is what I thought. If you consider yourself in relationships with 5 people, how is it that you can’t stay with any of them, not one out of five, for two weeks?” ~ tnscatterbrain
“You’d think one of the people she’s in a ‘relationship’ with would at least let her couch surf.” ~ NotAsSmartAsIWish
“Seems they’re more friends with benefits instead and not even friends. Which isn’t a bad thing if that’s all you want, but considering she thinks polyamory is the moral high ground…”
“Yeah that just means she probably does this stuff all the time and most have cut this toxic leech out of their lives.” ~ AssassinPsyche
Redditors were not terribly sympathetic toward Emily.
“She’s not even just generally spewing her opinions against monogamy either, she very specifically applied it to OP and called their marriage a lie to their face.”
“Absolutely not acceptable behavior. NTA and you had every right to blow up, OP.” ~ lydriseabove
“Right? Like quit trying to make up excuses to keep trying to push poly onto other people that don’t want to, no matter the reason.” ~ missy-63
“This. Emily seems to be one of those polyamorous people who is actually trying to force her lifestyle on others so she doesn’t feel so much like an outsider or uses polyamory as an excuse for cheating, which is why she can’t stand to see monogamous couples like OP.”
“Her rant about why monogamous relationships are destined to fail in a pile of cheating and jealousy inclines me to the latter explanation, that she uses polyamory as an excuse to cheat and have it be OK. The same with the multiple ‘SOS! Bad breakup’ texts.”
“OP is NTA. Emily fully is and deserves to be kicked out.” ~ greentea1985
“Obviously I wouldn’t be certain if it were the case but the OP’s descriptions of her proselytizing brings up some stark red flags. Reminds me of a poly woman I knew who proactively defended emotionally and physically cheating on her partners using her being poly.”
“Being poly does not mean you cannot cross your partners’ boundaries and comfort levels and hurt them. Being poly means hard work in communicating and ensuring all partners feel loved and appreciated.” ~ to_the_buttcave
“NTA she’s being EXTREMELY rude. If she wants to and likes being poly that’s her decision but for her to lecture you on your own relationship while you’re helping her for free is the most obnoxious thing ever. Personally I’d kick her butt to the curb.” ~ Olethros842
“A lot of us in the poly world view monogamy and polyamory as relationship orientations. For some it’s a choice, but for some it’s as bad as being gay trying to pretend you’re straight.”
“The whole ‘polyamory is more evolved than monogamy’ is a load of horsesh*t. She’s the worst kind of morally superior poly. People like her make the rest of us look bad.” ~ QuixoticLogophile
Redditors were worried that when it was time to move, Emily would suddenly have a change of plans.
“You better be damn sure that her new place is locked in then. Because if she’s a person that thrives on drama, why would she pay to live somewhere else when she can drama you into accepting anything?” ~ coraeon
The OP commented that they have “T-minus 100 hours left” before Emily is set to move out and into her own place.
They added:
“Well she signed a contract to only stay two weeks, so she’s out in just over 4 days no matter what.”
“Her interest in being here is pretty small. It’s a pullout couch from Ikea and the cat wakes her up every morning at like 6 when my husband leaves for work.”
“We also don’t live near anything fun or any of her partners, our area is more older couples. Quiet hours start at 9 when my husband goes to sleep.”
“All in all, we’re boring, and she is excited to leave and live in a sharehouse with friends.”
The OP hasn’t updated to say Emily is gone, but hopefully everyone involved is now in a better place.