It’s widely understood that newborn babies have weaker immune systems than they will have when they’re a little bit older. Because of this, it’s important to expose them to fewer germs, permitting fewer guests and fewer excursions, in those early months.
A trip to Vegas would simply be out of the question, argued the members of the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor BitAnxiousHDYK was pregnant, and when her brother moved his wedding date up, again, she was disappointed to realize that her baby would be a newborn at the time of the wedding.
But since it was also a destination wedding, involving a plane and going to Vegas, the Original Poster (OP) knew it was best for her baby if she declined to go.
She asked the sub:
“Am I the a**hole for RSVPing ‘no’ to my brother’s wedding?”
The OP’s brother repeatedly changed his wedding plans.
“My (32 Female) brother (23 Male), Rick, proposed to his fiancée (23 Female) in April 2024.”
“Ever since the wedding binder started (no joke), I’ve been included in the process of brainstorming for this dream wedding and am happy I’ve been a part of the speculation.”
“In November 2024, they put a deposit towards a beautiful venue around an hour from where we currently live for the future date of August 8th, 2027.”
“Later, they made the decision to move the wedding to the same date, but in our hometown in the state of Texas, since most of my sister-in-law’s family is there. Also, because they want to move back and purchase a home there, so they thought they could save some money by having a reception in their new house.”
“We currently live in South Dakota, so it became a destination wedding for me and my mom, but it was fine, because we had tons of time to prepare.”
The latest wedding plan changes made it impossible for the OP to attend.
“Now for the issue we have at hand… we all received notice last week that they are changing their plans to a Vegas elopement in July of 2026, and here’s the problem: I’m pregnant and due four months prior to their new wedding date.”
“When they texted me the news, all I said was, ‘Congratulations, I hope you have a wonderful time and have the wedding you have always wanted,’ even though inside I was crushed. My brother and I and our mom are very close, so not in a million years would I dreamed that I would miss my brother’s wedding.”
“However, they have put us in a really tight spot.”
The OP’s brother was not happy to hear her decline.
“I didn’t want to be a downer, but a couple days ago we (me and my brother) were talking about the wedding, and I told him to change your mind to a destination elopement and only give people seven months notice is not enough time for people to prepare.”
“I explained that he needs to be ready for a lot of people to drop out, and that odds are I won’t be able to go because I have a baby due just four months prior, and we are not in the best financial situation, let alone my mom, whom is currently out of work.”
“Prior to this, I was going to be heavily involved in the wedding festivities, but now I basically won’t be able to participate in anything. The wedding shower is in Texas, and for basically everything, I will be too pregnant or with a newborn.”
“Am I being too uptight, or is this a ridiculous ask on their part? Mind you, my SIL had the audacity to say my parents are in a poor financial situation from their own doings, which is ironic, considering this would be another poor financial decision, and my brother honestly suggested I take a 25+ hour road trip with two under two.”
“Yet my mom is guilt-tripping me, stating that we can’t miss it no matter what. But honestly, they are the ones who moved up the wedding, knowing I would be freshly post-partum.”
“Am I required to go? I need help!”
“Also, I wanted to make it clear that I don’t expect their plans to revolve around me; I will be happy if they are happy.”
“But I came here because I was being made to feel like I was selfish or wrong for stating that I couldn’t make that work.”
“AITAH?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some reassured the OP that her brother was out of line and that her concerns were valid.
“NAH. They’re allowed to do whatever they want for a wedding and you’re under no obligation to cater to their whims. This is a non-issue. ‘I think it’s so great that you’re doing X. Unfortunately, I won’t be able to attend.’ It really is that simple. Don’t let anyone try to complicate it.” – Maschamari
“There’s no such thing as cheap airfare anymore. Flying with a four-month-old sounds excruciating. Accommodations are expensive. It’s not fare to the new mother, and it’s sounds like she will have two babies. Not cool. NTA. They’re being selfish/short-sighted.” – Diligent-Speed3023
“I missed my brother’s wedding with three months’ notice when I was working in Japan, and a coworker had just skipped out on their contract.”
“Between money and a four-month-old, you have several very valid reasons to miss it. NTA.” – Japaniti1
“NTA (you’re in a no-win here, but their ever-changing wedding plans also shouldn’t have to work around others’ family plans*), but stay 100% out of what your mom decides (either way). Remind her your decisions have no bearing on her decisions – don’t let yourself be on the hook for her choices, too.”
“This is obviously more frustrating because it’s plan number three and date number two, versus if this had always been their plan, or had been their first plan made seven months out. But you likely wouldn’t have just held off on trying to get pregnant for that long because of the wedding plans either, nor should you have, so it ultimately would have been the same no-win, just with less chaos and insult to injury.” – UnshrinkableScrewup
“If he traveled with a four-month-old baby, it would be with the baby’s mom, and you know who would be doing all the work and who would be snoozing on the plane. And you know who would be taking care of a fussy, colicky, sick baby during an event like a wedding.”
“It wouldn’t be him. He would be drunk. Baby mama and baby would be exhausted, possibly sick, and pretty miserable with possible time change and an infant.” – whiskeysour123
Others understood why the OP and her brother were both upset, but ultimately, they understood why the OP wanted to play it safe with her baby.
“It’s going to hurt both of you that you’re not there, but flying with a four-month-old isn’t for the faint of heart. But if they have their first rounds of vaccines, that alleviates a lot of worry, unless the baby is unhealthy already.”
“He explained what he thought. He thinks you can fly there and still be present for his wedding. You didn’t like the answer and kept asking him for something he already gave you. That’s why he hung up.”
“You DO NOT HAVE TO GO. And of course he is going to be upset, but sometimes we don’t always get what we want at the end of the day.” – Quiet-Patient5458
“Neither of you is overreacting. But stop trying to tell him what he would do if he were in your situation, because you honestly don’t know. From reading your other post, I don’t really understand why you couldn’t just make the trip alone without your kids and shorten the amount of time spent in Vegas.”
“It’s not like he’s asking you to fly across the world. And seven months is not that short of notice, frankly. I understand that I could be missing context because I didn’t go through all of the comments on your original post.”
“That said, it’s your right to set boundaries and to figure out what you are comfortable or not comfortable doing. His feelings are obviously hurt, and you aren’t going to change his mind or his feelings on your not being there.” – Fine_Smile73
“NAH. This is plenty of time to make travel arrangements, but I would never bring a baby or child to Vegas due to all of the cigarette smoke. It makes me feel horrible every time I go, and I can’t imagine how that would feel in tiny lungs and sinuses.”
“They have the right to have whatever they want, and you can feel bad that the new plan is much harder for you to attend. This isn’t an elopement, it’s a small, destination wedding.” – Glum-System-7422
“Going from having two years to one year to seven months…a lot of people would struggle to come up with the excess money to travel for a wedding with that type of change. It may be plenty of time for you, but that may not be enough time for people who are struggling financially.”
“The Texas wedding was set for the same date as the local one. So the time change would be from two years to seven months.” – GeomEumTulip
“NAH. I think it’s reasonable to not go and say you would love to be there to support them but it wouldn’t be financially feasible for you. But I also don’t think it’s an unreasonable ask since it’s seven months out.”
“I have been invited to out-of-state weddings six months before if people have short engagements. Totally not cool though for your SIL to make a comment about your parents’ financial situation.” – ZealousidealSquash86
After receiving feedback in both subReddits, the OP shared an update, feeling relieved.
“Thank you for your input! And I think this is what I’m missing from my brother and his fiancée. I agree they should have the wedding they want, but I just feel they also need to understand when people say that they cannot go.”
“When I got married, they were both broke and in college, and I made sure that all they had to spend money on was their clothes, and I even suggested looking for thrifted clothes to save money. Because for me, it was very important they be there.”
“My long-term best friend did not attend as she did not feel comfortable traveling with a five-month-old, and my aunt, whom is like a grandma to me, didn’t come as she has a fear of planes. I was very sad they couldn’t attend, but I also understood.”
“You sound like a very considerate people, and I also don’t like the comments saying that they won’t last just because they are young, they already have been together five years and have gotten through hard times together, they are very in love.”
It clearly hurt the OP to not attend, but this is one of those cases where it’s important to prioritize a baby’s health and make more new memories later.