Accommodating family can be a tricky thing.
Redditor AgencyScared31 and their wife recently bought a new home only to learn that it couldn’t accommodate a wheelchair ramp for their nephew without sacrificing vital parts of their home.
The Original Poster (OP) was driven to subReddit “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA) for advice.
They asked,
“WIBTA for not building a ramp to our house for disabled nephew?”
They laid out the foundation of the argument.
“My wife and I recently bought a new house. After we closed on the house, my sister came to see it and asked when we would like her husband to install a ramp.”
“The ramp is for her son, who is in a wheelchair. He and other nieces and nephews used to come over to our old house all the time to hang out with our kids.”
“My sister’s husband, who works in construction, previously installed a ramp in our old house as well as my brother’s house because he and my sister want their son to feel welcome in everyone’s home.”
“Our previous house was very standard and installing a ramp was easy. This new house however sits up high which means it needs a very long ramp.”
“After measuring according to specifications, we’ve realized that we cannot install a ramp unless we get rid of some of our homes features.”
“Our front yard is a tiered garden. It is my wife’s favorite feature as she is an avid gardener.”
“We probably would not have bought this house if not for the garden, as we had our eye on another.”
“If we built a ramp leading to the front door, it would cover the majority of the tiered garden.”
“The only other option is the side door (we do not have a back door).”
“The side door, however, leads directly into the driveway that goes up alongside the house to the garage in the back.”
“If we built a ramp in this area, it would make the driveway too narrow for many of our vehicles.”
“We have very limited parking on our street, so we would basically lose half our driveway parking. I also wouldn’t be able to get my old muscle car in the garage where I had planned on storing it.”
This didn’t sit well with OP’s sister.
“I’ve explained this to my sister, and she is unhappy about our reasonings. Especially the one for the front door.”
“She says she gets the parking problem, but the garden is just a cosmetic thing and not worth making her son feel unwanted or like a second thought.”
“Other family is also unhappy because now our house is unusable for family parties since nephew won’t be able to come.”
“We do family parties on a rotating system between me and my brother since we’re the only ones with big enough homes.”
“I said we could do the family parties out in the backyard in the summer. It’s big and has a lot of trees and a large canopy area where we can put some nice outside furniture and barbecue.”
“The garage also has a bathroom that is accessible, so it shouldn’t be a problem for nephew to come so long as everyone hangs out outside.”
“They think it’s unreasonable because it will be too hot to stay outside the whole time, and people will need air conditioning.”
“If they go inside to cool down, nephew will feel left out.”
“My brother also doesn’t like that the burden is now on him always to host. Especially since he will always have to host for Thanksgiving and Christmas, which are the most hectic holidays.”
“So AITA?”
Redditors offered their two cents by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided:
“NAH
And there’s plenty of room for compromise: when it’s your turn to host, rent an accessible venue. Doesn’t have to break the bank. It can be as simple as an AirBNB.” – gnothro
“OP should only do this if everyone else does this as well. Why doesn’t OP’s sister host? She has to have an accessible house.”
“Why don’t the grandparents? If space is the issue, why don’t they buy bigger houses? Oh, cuz it’s expensive af?”
“Then they need to realize your house is for your nuclear fam first, and guests way down the list.”
“NTA.” – TrixIx
“NTA. It’s YOUR home, not theirs.”
“Yeah, it sucks the nephew is handicapped, but why should you have to get rid of the garden you specifically chose the house for or block your parking.”
“They didn’t pay for the house, and they don’t live there. If they really want to visit, they can figure something out” – HooksAndChains13
“To remove the garden feature and add a ramp will change the curb appeal and could significantly lower the home’s value as well. He’d need to check into it.”
“I understand the dilemma since my mom is in a wheelchair, and I am the only one, besides my nephew on the other side of town, that has a car she can get into.”
“No one considered it when they bought their cars. I live with her and do all the work, yet they don’t do anything like this to make things easier. NTA” – babcock27
“NTA. The audacity. Should they have been involved in your house hunt then and chipped in then?”
“Unfair that this is always on you and your brother to host! Let’s do it at their place since it must be accessible Or just get together and rent a place for must-do holidays” – ResistAlternative935
“NTA”
“I am disabled and have issues with walking and stairs. I am sorry, but no ONE has a right to demand or guilt you to change YOUR home to suit a family member.”
“It’s one thing when it doesn’t harm anything but to either lose parking or the garden, which is part of the reason 6 bought the house, then your family is outright wrong.”
“There are other options. Like a lift by the door for a wheelchair, and if they want something so badly, they can pay for it.”
“There are removable ramps as well but seems like they want the cheapest option without care it’s your home and not theirs.” – tiny-pest
“NAH. OP’s house does not allow for the construction of a ramp without either devaluing the property and taking away the features that made them buy it in the first place.”
“I feel badly for nephew, but I’m not sure what can be done other than the compromises offered.”
“A house is a major investment, and OP prioritizing their wants and needs doesn’t for their own home doesn’t make them an AH.”
“Honestly, while I applaud them for looking out for their kid, it is at the same time super entitled and self-centered to basically come by and essentially say, ‘nice house, but when can I tear down your garden to build a ramp outside?’” – ABeerAndABook
“Wheelchair user, and this one is NAH.”
“Your sister is understandably upset that her son will be excluded from activities at your house (and he will be; don’t think he won’t notice being relegated to the backyard and having to use the garage bathroom).”
“You also don’t have to buy your house based on someone else’s access needs.”
“If your nephew spent a significant amount of time at your house, as a matter of course, you would be the A, but as it’s just parties, I’m sure you can work it out with the lift suggestion others have mentioned.” – fishmom5
“NTA. You love your new home, and you love your nephew. But he isn’t your child, and not every home can be compatible with wheelchair use.”
“Your sister loves her son and wants him to be involved. But she can’t expect you to tear up your lawn and do extensive remodeling.”
“If the family are really jumping down your throat, everyone can pitch in to buy a portable ramp as another commenter suggested. If this is everyone’s problem, it can be everyone’s solution.” – OIWantKenobi
“This is a tough one, so I’ll say NTA but man, I genuinely hope the nephew isn’t hearing a word of this.”
“I’d be heartbroken to know my disability is causing so much drama for the family. Nobody wants to feel like a burden.”
“Can you guys maybe change what seasons you host? Maybe you host when the weather is nice out or something?”
“Again, NTA, but this story just made me really sad.” – captaincustody
“NTA. Your family is exhausting and entitled. They have no right to tell you what to do with your house.”
“Continue to look at possible options (can a back door be added somewhere, like a current window?), but you don’t need to give up your own space.” – Pair_of_Pearls
“NTA. Though I’m sure your sister will be surprised to hear, her son’s mobility is not other people’s first thought when purchasing a home.”
“You can certainly be flexible and accommodating (which it sounds like you have been), but ultimately your responsibility is to people who actually live in the house.” “
It seems unreasonable for you to give up full-time parking and hobbies (muscle car, gardening) for someone who visits occasionally.”
“All the people complaining/calling you the a**hole – they can pitch in for a chair lift/to rent a community hall next time it’s your turn to host.” – _shardik
Hopefully, this disagreement is contained between siblings and in-laws, and the nephew is free of the burden of this knowledge.