A family member’s true colors can show amid high emotions in times of grief.
One Redditor went through a tough time being the sole caretaker of their mother due to a sibling whose spouse was resistant to lending a helping hand.
Upon the mother’s death, the relationship between siblings became more strained which led the Redditor to seek judgment on the “Am I the A**hole?” subReddit.
There, Redditor New_Imagination1109 asked:
“AITA for telling my brother to get out and taking his b*tch of a wife when he asked for some of our mom’s ashes.”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“My mom used to live near my brother, she was a quiet person in general and after dad died was lonely.”
“She wanted to have dinner with my brother and his family often. His wife (Cara) didn’t like that and they agreed to do it once a month.”
“Mom started to have issues and would send panicked texts and went to the doctors randomly. Around this time his wife made a lot of post about how she was an attention seeker and was making up problems. That she was trying to cause a wedge in their relationship.”
The OP continued:
“My brother stopped visiting our mother. It was everywhere and I do not like Cara at all.”
“When this started happening I decided to visit my mom (live in another state). It took me a day to realize something was wrong. Took her to the doctors and she had dementia.”
“I informed the family and became the main caretaker. Cara continue to make post or comments that she is faking it. My brother stood by her the whole time.”
“I literally begged him to come visit before she passed on. She was cremated and I have the ashes. He didn’t even come to the viewing.”
The OP then presented the dilemma.
“This is the issue, he and Cara showed up asking for some of our moms ashes. I told him no, that he didn’t even see her before she died. This started an argument against the two.”
“By the end of it I told him to get out and take his b*tch of his wife with him. He has been calling me a jerk and telling me I have to apologize.”
“The family is torn, some are saying f’k him and Cara bit other are saying I would give in because it’s his mom also”
Anonymous strangers weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH – No A**holes Here
Many Redditors thought the OP was not the a**hole (NTA) here.
“NTA, Your brother made his choice and he chose poorly. He deserves nothing. They have the same energy as my younger sister.”
“She was really abusive and awful to my mother most of her adult life and she continued after my mother got diagnosed with cancer and traveled internationally more than she came to visit. Then she engaged in some performative bullsh*t at her funeral.” – Philip_J_Fry3000
“NTA.”
“At this point, why does he even want her ashes? I feel like his wife wouldn’t even want them on display in her home. I think he’s realizing just how much of an a**hole he is being viewed by the family and is asking for the ashes to save face and appear like a caring son.”
“If he didn’t even come to the viewing/”funeral” I really don’t understand why he would want the cremains.” – thatmidwesterngothic
“He’s also probably riddled with guilt and by performing some kind of reverence to her ashes, he can tell himself he properly cherished her.” – VanessaClarkLove
“They probably want to make some trendy memorial jewelry and use it to act like they cared.” – AroundTheWayJill
“From OP’s description, I think this is a likely answer. SIL saw some beautifully made (and expensive) tchotchke and likely has no access to anyone else’s ashes for exactly the same reason she’s being pushy about these.”
“Of course, I’m so petty that I’d resist capitulating just long enough to collect some cigarette ashes to ‘begrudgingly’ hand over with a ‘last thing you’ll ever get from me – any further attempts at contact will be treated as harassment’ statement.”
“Bonus points if the jewelry maker doesn’t realize/care about the difference and makes the gew-gaw anyway. Bonus bonus points when you inevitably cross paths because they ‘had no idea you’d be at this thing you always go to’ and you can let them know about the old switcheroo and that Mom was lovingly added to the soil now nourishing the beautiful flower garden you have growing out front.”
“Bonus bonus bonus points when the chains you buried in the soil get wrapped around the car wheels as they drive through to destroy the completely Mom-free flower bed.”
“OMD the catharsis I received just envisioning all that… ahh……………” – Gadgetskopf
“NTA whatever you decide, but just remember that the dead don’t give a f’k what happens to their remains. If your mother had expressed wishes for her remains that involved you and your brother then you can honour those of course, but ultimately she doesn’t give a sh*t now – sorry for your loss, but that’s the fact.”
“Your brother didn’t show respect during her life, so he doesn’t deserve respect after her death, is my opinion.”
“Personally, I think I’d probably just say ‘Oops! Scattered them already!’ if asked again…” – Own-Kangaroo6931
“I read the title and hoped I could say N T A. Then I read the story, you are so much NTA!!”
“I would ignore anyone saying ‘what would your mother want?’. Funerals and cremains are for the living, and as brother and SIL chose not to be there before or after her death, that means they have no say. So do what is right for you.”
“As for your mother’s wishes, I don’t think they are important. Obviously ignoring specific requests would be an AH move, but with no specifications, don’t get out a ouija board to divine what she would have wanted.”
“Because here’s the thing – whatever your beliefs are and wherever she is or isn’t, there is one thing for sure: she has no use for that pile of dust anymore. It has served it purpose to her. Use it in whatever way brings you comfort.” – kimba-the-tabby-lion
“If his mother had been explicit about her wishes, then I believe he would have an obligation to follow them. And based on how OP uprooted his life, I’m willing to wager he would have honored those wishes.”
“Because he saw his mother as his mother her whole life. The brother does not in any way deserve special consideration. He showed who he was when it mattered. A very little person with no character. F’k him and his wife.”
“NTA.” – Rabbit-Lost
“Imo, funerals/what is done with a person’s remains are done to comfort the living. Doing what a person would have wished to be done is a form of comforting those left behind by honoring the person and ‘giving them a final gift,’ while hoping others will do the same for them when their time comes.”
“Your brother opted out of participating in her care when it mattered and didn’t do anything in the aftermath of her death. You chose to stay as your mother’s family, he left.”
“It might be of greater comfort to you to keep her ashes where they will be respected and cared for, rather than knowing that a piece of her will be going into a home with a woman as callous and unwelcoming as Cara and a man who neglected and abandoned your mother to die.” – derpy-_-dragon
“When my mother passed last year, one of her siblings, the one we both went NC with for her rabidly right wing views, the one who lives on the other side of the country and hadn’t visited for 30 years, the one who when she called my mother for anything, my mother would see the caller ID and not even say hello, just ‘what do you want.'”
“THAT sibling asked for some ashes. While my mother was still alive! Asked their other sibling, who told Mom. Who in turn, told me like ‘here’s a story you’ll get a kick out of…’ “
“We both had a good laugh. She died three days later.”
“NTA.” – ok_terra_dactul
“NTA – I know there is a lot to be said about being the bigger person, but I’m also a big believer in taking responsibilities for one’s actions. Your brother decided to ignore and neglect your mother during her life, he didn’t even show up for her viewing in her death.”
“People can say it’s his Mom too, but where was that thought process when it actually mattered, when she was alive and he could show her how much she meant to him? What purpose does having her ashes serve him now?”
“It seems it’s just a way to assuage his guilt for how he treated her in life, and that’s not your responsibility.” – Ok-Acanthaceae5744
Overall, a strong majority of Redditors sided with the OP for not acquiescing to their brother and sister-in-law’s request.
They also admonished the brother and Cara for not being a part of their mother’s lives when the OP could’ve used more support in an emotionally distressful time.