We would all like to be able to say that we can help out our friends when they need it the most. But how we can help them will vary based on the situation, our resources, and more.
And of course, our help should not be demanded or expected, pointed out the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA) subReddit.
But impressed upon was exactly how Redditor myhouse92 felt when her college friend demanded she invite him to move into her new house.
When she was criticized by fellow friends for saying no, the Original Poster (OP) wondered if she was being too harsh.
She asked the sub:
“AITA for not letting my friend move into the house I inherited with me, my husband, and our baby?”
The OP recently inherited a home.
“I (29 [Female]) recently inherited a house from an aunt who died unexpectedly a few months ago.”
“The house is pretty big (5 bedrooms) and is in a nice area of a really expensive city. My aunt wasn’t rich but she bought it 40 years ago when house prices weren’t so insane.”
“My husband (35 [Male]) and our 8-month-old baby boy don’t live in this city, as we considered it unaffordable, but seeing as I’ve inherited this house have decided to keep it and live there rather than sell it.”
The OP’s friend immediately hoped to move in.
“I have a friend, I’ll call Darren (30 [Male]), who I went to college with, who lives in the city we are moving to.”
“He found out about the house situation and asked if he could move in and rent one of the bedrooms.”
“Darren is from a wealthy family but since leaving college has refused to rent his own place or room, and instead he will crash on people’s couches and travels around in a van he has converted… (hashtag-van-life type of life apparently).
The OP attempted to decline.
“Anyway, I’ve said no. Not because I have an issue with him, or because we don’t have the space, but I have a family now and with our relatively new baby we would like our space and private time.”
“If I’d got this house when I was still in college or rooming with people, then I’d have no issue but that’s not my life anymore.”
“My husband said he doesn’t want to live with some random guy I went to college with.”
She was shocked by the reactions.
“My friends are split on whether I’m being selfish but I think most agree with me.”
“The friends who think I’m an AH have previously let him stay on their couches in the past, but at the moment he is parked up in his mom’s driveway.”
“I do wonder if he has been cut off, as someone suggested, but I’ve not heard that much.”
“Darren got all p**sed off and said, ‘You didn’t even buy the house and didn’t do anything for it.'”
“Like, I know I am privileged to inherit a house but my aunt worked hard to buy it and keep it nice and at the end of the day I’d rather have my much-loved family member back than a house.”
“So yeah, that p**sed me off.”
“I know it was maybe ridiculous even considering that I was being selfish about it but when I was peppered with messages from a few of my friends about it, I did wonder.”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some agreed Darren had no right to demand a room in the OP’s house.
“I read the title and my first instinct was NTA.”
“After reading everything, I stand by that. OP, you did the right thing. You have a new family now and having other people (friends or family) move in will cause a disruption.”
“Even if you needed the money, it would still be weird. A man that is 30 who can afford his own place but would rather rent a room from a new family doesn’t sit right with me.”
“Also, your husband has already stated that he would not be happy with that, so since you were already teetering on ‘no,’ and your husband said ‘no,’ there’s no reason to debate this with Darren. Tell your friends that they can take him in.”
“Unless a nanny is needed, new families should not have other people living with them. Let them get established first.” – Super_E30
“NTA, once a baby came into the picture, it’s 100% fair to say no to any potential roommates guilt-free.”
“Like you said, if you had inherited the house a few years ago then you would have felt differently. But at this stage in your life, it’s totally fair to say no and live in the house with your family.”
“Darren isn’t entitled to your home and it doesn’t even sound like you guys are all that close.” – tessameee
“You have a right to build your family together with your husband in your own home – privately.”
“He can couch surf as much as he wants, but he needs to understand as his friends get older, their priorities change. Hangin’ with college buds who are crashing with you stops being as important.” – IBeTrippin
Others agreed and entertained the idea of how terrible of a housemate he would be.
“NTA in the slightest!!! You have to do what’s best for your family and anyone who doesn’t recognize that, without a shadow of a doubt, would not be suitable to live with.” – MyCeLimm77
“NTA. Absolutely not. I’ve been in this situation a few times (boundary issues!), and I can tell you now that it won’t just stop at renting a room.”
“He’ll take over your living space, he’ll eat your food, he’ll invite his friends over, he’ll bring pets in without asking your permission and expect you to take care of them.”
“And if you try to set boundaries, he’ll gaslight you and guilt trip you because you let him do it.”
“Do not let this guy in your home! It’s your home. Stand firm.” – WendyWindfall
“NTA. It’s reasonable to assume that a couple with a baby isn’t going to want a housemate. If you had wanted one, you would have offered.”
“This guy wants to freeload off of you and seems to have no problem guilting you about it. His first thought wasn’t to be happy for you and your family but to see how your good fortune could benefit him.”
“He’s not your friend. He’s a parasite.” – Malkom1366
“His attitude when you said no also reinforces why you should not rent to him.”
“You have a family. You’re not a share house.”
“What’s next? he moves in. Eats your food. Doesn’t contribute to bills. Invites his friends over and Makes you feel like an intruder in your own home.”
“He has no self-responsibility, he won’t even rent a place himself. You would be inviting a mooch into your life.”
“Plus, your husband gets a say too.”
“Tell your friends they can let him live with them.” – Status-Pattern7539
Some agreed and questioned the critical friends’ motives.
“NTA, and I’m going to take a wild guess that the friends who are in favor of letting Derren “crash” in your new home don’t have kids themselves.”
“Your family’s well-being is more important than the opinions of some guy you went to college with. If some of your friends are still on the fence, maybe they can give him a couch or a parking spot for his van.” – Redfish_St
“The friends are calling her selfish because they want to be done with Darren’s mooching a**!”
“It’ll be harder to get rid of him if he has a bedroom rather than just crashing on the couch, and they won’t have to deal with him again!”
“Also, OP, make no apologies. You are well within your rights to say no, and you don’t need to justify your inheritance. Whether you bought the house or not, he has no claim to it.” – Throwaway_fml_T_T
“NTA. Your husband has objected to him moving in with you. It seems that everyone, Darren included, who are calling you selfish have forgotten that you are married with a kid.”
“You could say, ‘Darren, I am no longer single and have a child. My husband doesn’t want you to live with us and I have to take his feelings into account.'”
“You should also add, ‘Also, I don’t think you understand just how loud and chaotic it is with an 8-month-old baby in the house and it will only get worse as the baby gets older. You wouldn’t get any peace and quiet in my house due to this.'”
“Remind your friends, who are siding with Darren, that you aren’t single, have a kid, and your husband doesn’t want Darren to move in.”
“I think most, if they have any common sense, will realize that you aren’t being selfish.”
“Also, you said, ‘Darren got all p**sed off and said, ‘You didn’t even buy the house and didn’t do anything for it.’ That’s rich coming from a guy who has refused to either buy or rent his own d**n place and instead mooches off the kindness of his friends.” – naranghim
Though the OP was a little torn after hearing criticism from her friends, the subReddit reassured her that she was not selfish for not wanting someone else to live in her new home, and they also pointed out what a mess it could potentially be.
While helping out a friend is all well and good, it only works if the friend contributes in some way, and after Darren’s response, that’s likely not what would be happening here.