We would all like to be able to say that we can help out our friends when they need it the most. But how we can help them will vary based on the situation, our resources, and more.
And of course, our help should not be demanded or expected, pointed out the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
But impressed upon was exactly how Redditor myhouse92 felt when her college friend demanded she invite him to move into her new house.
When she was criticized by fellow friends for saying no, the Original Poster (OP) wondered if she was being too harsh.
She asked the sub:
"AITA for not letting my friend move into the house I inherited with me, my husband, and our baby?"
The OP recently inherited a home.
"I (29 [Female]) recently inherited a house from an aunt who died unexpectedly a few months ago."
"The house is pretty big (5 bedrooms) and is in a nice area of a really expensive city. My aunt wasn't rich but she bought it 40 years ago when house prices weren't so insane."
"My husband (35 [Male]) and our 8-month-old baby boy don't live in this city, as we considered it unaffordable, but seeing as I've inherited this house have decided to keep it and live there rather than sell it."
The OP's friend immediately hoped to move in.
"I have a friend, I'll call Darren (30 [Male]), who I went to college with, who lives in the city we are moving to."
"He found out about the house situation and asked if he could move in and rent one of the bedrooms."
"Darren is from a wealthy family but since leaving college has refused to rent his own place or room, and instead he will crash on people's couches and travels around in a van he has converted... (hashtag-van-life type of life apparently).
The OP attempted to decline.
"Anyway, I've said no. Not because I have an issue with him, or because we don't have the space, but I have a family now and with our relatively new baby we would like our space and private time."
"If I'd got this house when I was still in college or rooming with people, then I'd have no issue but that's not my life anymore."
"My husband said he doesn't want to live with some random guy I went to college with."
She was shocked by the reactions.
"My friends are split on whether I'm being selfish but I think most agree with me."
"The friends who think I'm an AH have previously let him stay on their couches in the past, but at the moment he is parked up in his mom's driveway."
"I do wonder if he has been cut off, as someone suggested, but I've not heard that much."
"Darren got all p**sed off and said, 'You didn't even buy the house and didn't do anything for it.'"
"Like, I know I am privileged to inherit a house but my aunt worked hard to buy it and keep it nice and at the end of the day I'd rather have my much-loved family member back than a house."
"So yeah, that p**sed me off."
"I know it was maybe ridiculous even considering that I was being selfish about it but when I was peppered with messages from a few of my friends about it, I did wonder."
"AITA?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some agreed Darren had no right to demand a room in the OP's house.
"I read the title and my first instinct was NTA."
"After reading everything, I stand by that. OP, you did the right thing. You have a new family now and having other people (friends or family) move in will cause a disruption."
"Even if you needed the money, it would still be weird. A man that is 30 who can afford his own place but would rather rent a room from a new family doesn't sit right with me."
"Also, your husband has already stated that he would not be happy with that, so since you were already teetering on 'no,' and your husband said 'no,' there's no reason to debate this with Darren. Tell your friends that they can take him in."
"Unless a nanny is needed, new families should not have other people living with them. Let them get established first." - Super_E30
"NTA, once a baby came into the picture, it's 100% fair to say no to any potential roommates guilt-free."
"Like you said, if you had inherited the house a few years ago then you would have felt differently. But at this stage in your life, it's totally fair to say no and live in the house with your family."
"Darren isn't entitled to your home and it doesn't even sound like you guys are all that close." - tessameee
"NTA."
"You have a right to build your family together with your husband in your own home - privately."
"He can couch surf as much as he wants, but he needs to understand as his friends get older, their priorities change. Hangin' with college buds who are crashing with you stops being as important." - IBeTrippin
Others agreed and entertained the idea of how terrible of a housemate he would be.
"NTA in the slightest!!! You have to do what's best for your family and anyone who doesn't recognize that, without a shadow of a doubt, would not be suitable to live with." - MyCeLimm77
"NTA. Absolutely not. I've been in this situation a few times (boundary issues!), and I can tell you now that it won't just stop at renting a room."
"He'll take over your living space, he'll eat your food, he'll invite his friends over, he'll bring pets in without asking your permission and expect you to take care of them."
"And if you try to set boundaries, he'll gaslight you and guilt trip you because you let him do it."
"Do not let this guy in your home! It's your home. Stand firm." - WendyWindfall
"NTA. It's reasonable to assume that a couple with a baby isn't going to want a housemate. If you had wanted one, you would have offered."
"This guy wants to freeload off of you and seems to have no problem guilting you about it. His first thought wasn't to be happy for you and your family but to see how your good fortune could benefit him."
"He's not your friend. He's a parasite." - Malkom1366
"NTA."
"His attitude when you said no also reinforces why you should not rent to him."
"You have a family. You're not a share house."
"What's next? he moves in. Eats your food. Doesn't contribute to bills. Invites his friends over and Makes you feel like an intruder in your own home."
"He has no self-responsibility, he won't even rent a place himself. You would be inviting a mooch into your life."
"Plus, your husband gets a say too."
"Tell your friends they can let him live with them." - Status-Pattern7539
Some agreed and questioned the critical friends' motives.
"NTA, and I'm going to take a wild guess that the friends who are in favor of letting Derren "crash" in your new home don't have kids themselves."
"Your family's well-being is more important than the opinions of some guy you went to college with. If some of your friends are still on the fence, maybe they can give him a couch or a parking spot for his van." - Redfish_St
"The friends are calling her selfish because they want to be done with Darren's mooching a**!"
"It'll be harder to get rid of him if he has a bedroom rather than just crashing on the couch, and they won't have to deal with him again!"
"Also, OP, make no apologies. You are well within your rights to say no, and you don't need to justify your inheritance. Whether you bought the house or not, he has no claim to it." - Throwaway_fml_T_T
"NTA. Your husband has objected to him moving in with you. It seems that everyone, Darren included, who are calling you selfish have forgotten that you are married with a kid."
"You could say, 'Darren, I am no longer single and have a child. My husband doesn't want you to live with us and I have to take his feelings into account.'"
"You should also add, 'Also, I don't think you understand just how loud and chaotic it is with an 8-month-old baby in the house and it will only get worse as the baby gets older. You wouldn't get any peace and quiet in my house due to this.'"
"Remind your friends, who are siding with Darren, that you aren't single, have a kid, and your husband doesn't want Darren to move in."
"I think most, if they have any common sense, will realize that you aren't being selfish."
"Also, you said, 'Darren got all p**sed off and said, 'You didn't even buy the house and didn't do anything for it.' That's rich coming from a guy who has refused to either buy or rent his own d**n place and instead mooches off the kindness of his friends." - naranghim
Though the OP was a little torn after hearing criticism from her friends, the subReddit reassured her that she was not selfish for not wanting someone else to live in her new home, and they also pointed out what a mess it could potentially be.
While helping out a friend is all well and good, it only works if the friend contributes in some way, and after Darren's response, that's likely not what would be happening here.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.