Parents and children eventually find their roles in life have reversed when the adult children take care of their elderly parents.
In many cultures, adult children are open to taking care of an elderly family member when they are unable to live on their own.
Redditor throwaway00224466881– an expectant mother-to-be who bought her first home with her husband – was faced with a proposition she may have considered were it not for one problematic situation.
She visited the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA) subReddit and asked:
“AITA for not allowing my husband’s grandmother to live with us.”
The Original Poster (OP) wrote:
“Here’s a preface: this is not an issue between my husband and I. It’s an issue between my in laws and us. So I suppose it’s more ‘Are we the a**holes.’”
“My husband and I recently bought our first home and are expecting our first child, a baby girl, in September.”
“My husband’s grandmother has gotten to a point where she can’t live on her own. She’s not senile or anything but she has mobility issues and can’t drive, and there are no grocery stores who deliver near her.”
“My father in law is an only child, and both my husband and my sister in law have moved out so they have the space.”
“Here’s the issue, Grandma is very misogynistic.”
“She has a very blatant favoritism towards my husband compared to my sister in law, and my mother in law and her haven’t seen each other in years due to her behavior, so she does not want her to move in with them.”
“My father in law asked if Grandma could move in with us, but I am very wary since I am a stay at home mom, and will be having a baby girl, and she has made comments towards me already about how disappointing it is that I’m not giving her a great grand son, and how she doesn’t think I need to be a stay at home mom and that women these days are lazy.”
“My husband and I discussed it and we decided against it, but my father in law called us selfish and said now she’ll have to go into a home since my mother in law won’t let her live with them either.”
“I do feel guilty, but at the same time, I feel as if my concerns are valid.”
“Am I the a**hole?”
Strangers on the internet were asked to declare one of the following:
- NTA – Not the A**hole
- YTA – You’re the A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everybody Sucks Here
Most Redditors thought the OP was not the a**hole in the situation.
“NTA. Funny how your inlaws don’t want her there too but they are not considered selfish.” – UltimateBe
“Concurred.”
“I work in the LTC industry and this is a common routine we’ll see from family members. They themselves are somehow unable to care for the ‘loved one’ in question (usually backed with BS reasons) but will demand somebody else do it.”
“OP, caring for an elderly family member would be a full-time job on top of having a newborn to take care of. Even if granny was sweet as peaches it’d be a hard pass.” – m053486
“I work home care and there is ‘out of town syndrome’, family that does nothing to help but constantly complains about the family caregivers who are doing everything. Put up or shut up.” – eatthebunnytoo
“NTA – at some stage grandma may need even more help and you will be signing up for that by taking her in.”
“She has dug her own grave here by being an unpleasant person. Put her in a home.” – coconutville
“NTA. FIL has known all along he was going to put grandma in a home rather than have her live with him. He just wants someone to blame for it.” – JeepersCreepers74
“NTA your immediate family comes first. It’s very telling that your MIL doesnt want her living with her either.”
“Guarentee FIL knows his mother is a issue but it is easier to try to pretend shes not. Stand your ground.” – Zombiemommy1980
“NTA your home your rules.”
“If your father in law feels so strongly about it, why does his wife not want her either?”
“Not your circus Not your monkeys.”
“Not the a**hole.”
“Congrats on the baby and good luck keeping this excellent boundary.” – SensitiveAutistic
“NTA. It’s unfortunate that she’s going through this but that doesn’t mean you need to be uncomfortable in your own home, especially with a nee baby.”
“You’d be caring for her AND an infant. I don’t understand why she can’t live with your husbands father?” – ChocCheesecake08
“NTA. A new baby is stressful enough, you don’t need to add eldercare on top of that because your FIL feels guilty about not taking in his mother. (To be clear I don’t blame your MIL either, it’s kind of a no-win situation.)” – Outrageous-Ad7264
“NTA. The lady has two other good options but she won’t use them because of her misogynistic attitude.. An attitude which I’m sure will cause serious problems in YOUR home if she moves in.”
“Besides, you have a baby to take care of – if grandma has mobility and other issues you can BET that she will expect you guys, especially YOU the woman, to wait on her hand and foot, drive her everywhere she wants to go, cook what she likes, help with her personal care etc.”
“Even if she was a nice lady you would be overburdened having to take care of both baby and grandma. The stay at home mom gig is HARD. I know cos I’ve done it. Best of luck to you.”
“NTA. Care of our elderly relatives is difficult and never equitable among family members.”
“You will end up doing back breaking work, under emotionally abusive conditions with no support from other family.”
“You describe a very difficult older person. It is best she is cared for in a reparable LTC facility with professionals who are trained to handle theses issues.” – PrisonNurseNC
Overall, many Redditors saw the father-in-law as the a**hole for suggesting the grandmother should move in with the OP even though she would be having her hands full with the stresses of being a new mom.