Some marriage partners just cannot comprehend boundaries.
Divorce usually lays down some significant and definitive boundaries, but not everybody gets the message.
People can still treat an ex like a current spouse and have unrealistic expectations.
That is often hurtful and causes tons of drama.
Redditor Vfact found herself in a personal dilemma regarding her relationship with her ex- husband and his elective surgery, so they turned to the “Am I The A**Hole” (AITAH) subreddit for feedback.
Similar to AITA, the AITAH subReddit allows posters to ask for advice and post about ending relationships—both things that are banned on AITA. However, there are no required voting acronyms—only suggested ones—and no official final judgment declared.
She asked:
“AITAH For Telling My STBXH I Won’t Drive Him To His Vasectomy Appointment?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“First, ‘STBXH’ means soon-to-be ex-husband.”
“My husband (56 M[ale]) and I (52 F[emale]) are in the process of getting a divorce.”
“We are divorcing because he was constantly on dating apps.”
“He says he is addicted and can’t stop himself. “
“I also want to note that I am the breadwinner and pay all the household bills, while he only pays his specific bills – car, phone, etc.”
“We also still live together until he saves up enough to move out.”
“This morning, he told me he wanted to schedule a vasectomy appointment and wanted to know if I would drive him there.”
“I told him no and that I thought it was extremely insensitive of him even to ask that.”
“He said it’s a medical procedure and he will be in a lot of pain.”
“He then got upset that I wouldn’t take him.”
“I said, it’s a procedure for you to not have to worry about pregnancy scares, so you can f**k younger women.”
“He was always going after the younger women on the dating apps and has it in his head that most younger women want an older man.”
The OP was left to wonder:
“So AITAH for not taking him to his ‘medical procedure.’ By the way, if it was anything else I would have absolutely taken him.”
Some Redditors weighed in by using the AITA voting acronyms:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was NOT the A**hole here.
“I’d say, give him his 2 WEEK notice 2 weeks before he gets snipped.”
“And, yeah… he needs to have one of his screw buddies drive him there and back to his appointment, as well as ‘take care of him’ after his appointment.”
“As for him still living w/you ‘until he saves up enough to move out?'”
“Good F’in luck.”
“He’ll drag that out for as looong as he can, and most likely flaunt his screw buddies around, since ‘well… we’re divorced, I can do what I want.'”
“Don’t let him crap on you anymore.”
“He’s had plenty of time to start looking for a new place to live, now that divorce is on the table.”
“You’re NTA.”
“His actions have consequences.”
“Time for him to put on his big boy britches and act like an adult.” ~ Quirky-n-Creative1
“NTA. Dudes got… balls.” ~ FormSuccessful1122
“I’ve had a vasectomy.”
“It wasn’t that painful.”
“I wouldn’t want to drive myself home, but Mr. F**k around can take an Uber home.”
“Also, OP, tell him you will not be taking care of his cheating @ss when he gets home, so he should make plans accordingly.” ~ American31415
“Absolutely NTA!”
“The entitlement never ceases to flabbergast me.”
“If he wanted wife privileges from you, he should have been a better husband.”
“You’re divorcing.”
“The whole point of that is that you no longer give physical or emotional labor to this piece of crap.”
“He’s getting a vasectomy so he can go boink other females without the worry of getting them pregnant.”
“WTF would you take him to that?!”
“Tell him to go to hell!” ~ Vivid-Win-4801
“NTA. I don’t know how long you were married, but given his entitlement and insensitivity, I suspect it was too long.”
“Good luck with the divorce.”
“I hope you find the happiness, peace, and love you deserve.”
“My wife and I both had 20+ year bad first marriages.”
“We are in our late 50s and happier than we imagined was possible.” ~ BlatantEgg4314
“Holy sh*t, NTA.”
“This was almost exactly my situation.”
“I was the main breadwinner, and my phone-sex cheaty, lazy-a**, 58-year-old husband was convinced the ladies would flock to him.”
“Spoiler: They did not.”
“Now he’s all alone, in a crappy and probably filthy apartment, with no money to pay for phone sex.”
“I’m alone and free and couldn’t be happier, doing things I like, traveling, living my best life without that millstone around my neck.” ~ plutosdarling
“So the younger women wanting older men thing is because they assume the older men have money and stability.”
“You both get that right? “
“You’re subsidizing that man’s lifestyle.”
“If he can afford to date and get procedures, then he can afford to rent a room elsewhere.”
“NTA but wow.”
“There’s a reason he’s asking such ballsie questions.” ~ Glum-Mulberry-9430
“NTA. He needs to make his own arrangements for transportation as well as aftercare for when he returns home.”
“Is he expecting you to nurse him back to health?” ~ JazPrncess1
“HAHAHHAAHHAAHHAHHHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHHAHAAAHAHAHAA!!!”
“OHHHH GIRL!!!”
“I can’t wait for you until your divorce is finalized!!”
“Younger woman here, and NO, we are inundated with creeps like him.”
“Who also lie about their age, like we don’t have friends our own age.”
“And tbh the younger men (younger than me) are much more polite, chivalrous, successful AND progressive.”
“Like are caring, contributing, and respectful as equals.”
“He is living in delululand.”
“I can’t wait for your freedom party.”
“Why are you waiting until HE can take care of himself?”
“Sounds like he never has and never will.”
“This is an optional medical procedure.”
“He can wait and get a friend to take care of him since he thinks he’s so popular.”
“Women want to see men who have a good, healthy network of people.”
“OMG. NTA.”
“Please update me when you kick his a** out.”
“Especially with the money from his optional procedure, he can use for rent on an apartment.”
“Please get him out yesterday.”
“I will raise a glass to you when you update us that he’s gone!!!” ~ Comeback_321
“Definitely NTA.”
“You’re already letting him stay ‘until he saves enough to move out’ (he’s 56… one would think he’d have his life together by now, but apparently not).”
“Driving him to his appointment, too?”
“At that point, you might as well put on the red nose and clown makeup.”
“If anything, you’re just waaaayyyy too kind.” ~ mother_earth_13
“I let my ex stay in the house (it was my house, not our house), and even though we were amicable, a month was about all we could endure.”
“OP’s dude may never move out, if he decides to spend the money he should be saving.’
“Give him a hard deadline.”
“NTA. He’s not your problem anymore.” ~ Original_Pudding6909
“Here’s a thing.”
“My wife is a shockingly bad driver, brakes too late, accelerates hard, and corners sharply.”
“I broke my ankle in the garden, and she drove me, with my unstabilised ankle and in far more agony than I expected, to the hospital.”
“Another time, post vasectomy, she drove me home down some very bumpy roads.”
“So you have an option to make him wish he’d never asked.” ~ Antique-Ticket3951
“NTA. You should also point out to him that the women who are interested in an older man don’t want a broke one.”
“They are interested in older men because they have money.”
“A broke older man is useless to a younger woman.” ~ Spiritual_Ad6547
“I’m just commenting on the edit.”
“It took me more than 10 years to finally tell myself that I was in an emotionally and financially abusive relationship.”
“How could I if I were the intelligent person, the protector, the hard-working, etc?”
“Yes, it was hard but liberating.”
“You’ll see how much better life is without the dead weight.” ~ rarsamx
“You are divorcing and are only responsible for whatever division of assets the law requires.”
“Providing him with a home to save up for is above and beyond being gracious.”
“His wasting about $1000 to get his penis ‘post-divorce ready’ and expecting you to drive him is beyond the pale.”
“If he can afford the surgery, he can afford to move out.”
“Time to give him a deadline to leave. NTA.” ~ cgrobin1
“NTA. Tell him he should move out first.”
“How can he afford a vasectomy?”
“Do you live in a country with health care that covers elective surgical procedures 100%?”
“He needs to be saving his money for his own place.”
“Maybe it’s time you kicked him out.” ~ Historical_Agent9426
“Funny to me that he’s not much of a breadwinner but is hoping to start boinking a bunch of younger girls.”
“Hate to break it to you, bro, but younger girls want someone with some cash. “
“OP would have better luck with that than the soon-to-be ex.” ~ ComfortableAd748
OP returned to chat…
“I wasn’t expecting all of these responses.”
“I am truly overwhelmed, but in a good way.”
“I never thought I would be the type to be in an emotionally and financially abusive relationship.”
“It has completely destroyed my self-worth, and it has taken everything for me to pull the trigger on the divorce.”
“All of your comments have made my day and are making me realize that better days are ahead 😊.”
“I forgot to mention that, for the first time ever, right after I mentioned him f**king younger women, I told him to f**k off.”
“Some answers to common questions.”
“I own the house.”
“I bought it before we even started dating.”
“He will not be getting it in the divorce.”
“We also do not have children together, but he does have 3 from prior marriages/relationships.”
So glad to hear that you’re feeling better, OP.
Good for you for standing up for yourself.
Reddit is with you no matter what.
Keep Smiling!
And HAPPY DIVORCE!!!