School presentations are not everyone's cup of tea.
Standing up in a room full of peers -many still strangers- having to be fully knowledgeable about a particular topic can be frightening.
People have anxiety and lifelong nightmares about it.
That's why it can be daunting when someone decides to make it more difficult.
Case in point...
Redditor Huge-Still-5737 wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback. So naturally, she came to visit the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit.
She asked:
"AITA for embarrassing a guy in my lecture by telling him I'm not going to answer his questions?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"I (20 F[emale]) had to do a group presentation as part of my end-of-year assignment and I think it mostly went great."
"The presentation was 15 minutes minimum with a 15-minute question session afterward."
"There's one guy in my course (John- 21 M[ale]) who many people in the course dislike."
"He's the epitome of a 'well actually guy' who likes to be the devil's advocate for things that shouldn't have a devil's advocate."
"He's embarrassed himself more than once by asking ridiculous and pointless questions to our professors that have no relevance and he's very full of himself."
"I'm aware that this all may seem harsh, but this has been consistent behavior for the past 2 years and his smarminess has isolated himself from many people in our course who don't want to deal with him."
"After our presentation, he says he has 'several questions' and proceeds to ask some of the most irrelevant questions."
"For example, in the presentation, I mentioned that one of my inspirations for the project was a trend in 2020 where grown men (usually 30-40-year-olds) would duet teenage girls (13-17) TikToks mocking them."
"From how they liked their coffee to their prom dresses."
"John's question was 'Don't you think they should get criticism for posting online?'"
"Not only was this not relevant to the project, but you could sense the tension in the room."
"So many people rolled their eyes and even his friend gave him a 'shut up' nudge."
"After a few more questions which were all directed at me, not the other 3 people in the group, I admittedly got annoyed and said 'Listen, mate. I'm not going to answer any more questions from you. You're clearly trying to grasp at straws here.'"
"The rest of the questions from our other peers were great and actually of substance."
"And overall, I feel the whole thing went well other than that one hiccup."
"As we were leaving the hall, I hear John complaining to some of his friends and then I saw him going to talk to our lecturer."
"I got an email from our professor asking me to join a TEAMs meeting where I was expected to apologize for 'embarrassing' John and something about how we were supposed to create a 'safe space' for our fellow peers."
"And by being rude I didn't do that."
"He said if we can sort it out before Thursday (tomorrow) by ourselves, then great."
"So I sent John a quick message saying I didn't mean to be short with him but he was clearly asking pointless questions."
"He just replied 'You didn't have to be a b**ch about it' and then blocked me."
"AITA?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the A**hole.
"NTA. Write down the questions John was asking, as exactly as possible."
"Get help from others present, if you can - ask them how they felt about John's questions."
"Take this to the TEAMS meeting."
"Say you responded to several of them, though they had no direct relevance to the project, there WERE only 15 minutes for questions and you felt that John was not creating a safe space for the others in the room by asking these kinds of questions."
"Read out your approach to him and his reply."
"Ask how much time John SHOULD have got for those questions, how you SHOULD have replied in answer to them."
"Ask how you could have created a safe space for the WHOLE group."
"Oh, and please update. Please." ~ Enough-Process9773
"DING DING DING! This is the angle right here."
"They insisted on making her communicate with him, and he called her a b**ch."
"They need to hear about this sh*t and rethink how much condoning of the sh**heads of the world they want to do."
"The professors do not understand that THEY work at the university and the OP does NOT."
"THEY are supposed to be creating a safe space for her at least as much as they are for John, and they want to blame her for their being idiots." ~ ManaFrmHeaven
"I have been a corporate trainer and adjunct professor for the past 30 years."
"I'm here to tell you there's at least one John in every class."
"Your prof should know this, and in addition to mentoring you on your presentation content, they should also be mentoring you on presentation style."
"As John continued to get wound up, they should have seen you getting into the weeds and stepped in to stop it."
"The end."
"The demand for you to apologize and have a STEP meeting about it is totally unnecessary and allowed John to call you a b**ch (I hope you saved that email for the meeting) and offered him yet another opportunity to gain attention."
"NTA. You did the best you could, and that prof made the situation worse."
"The way I handle my 'Johns' in class is after they've hit the two question/comment mark, I'll say something like 'OK John, I'll take one more question, but then we really need to move on so we can get to some of the others in the class.'"
"'But, I appreciate your feedback.'" ~ hugosmommy
"The whole quote is 'It is unlawful to harass a person (an applicant or employee) because of that person's sex.'"
"'Harassment can include 'sexual harassment' or unwelcome sexual advances, requests for sexual favors, and other verbal or physical harassment of a sexual nature."
"Harassment does not have to be of a sexual nature, however, and can include offensive remarks about a person's sex."
"For example, it is illegal to harass a woman by making offensive comments about women in general.'"
"And I'm not trying to be difficult, but I think it's worded weirdly - they change from the term sexual harassment in the first paragraph to just the word harassment in the second.'"
"'So I'm a bit confused as to if it's still counted under S[exual] H[arrassment] and feel free to clarify.'"
"If this is the legal definition of sexual harassment, I'm happy for this a-hole to be slapped with that label, and I think he should face harsh consequences."
"And the professor should face some as well and take some sort of anti-discrimination seminar because it screams lazy and complicit never to have addressed the frequent interruptions of class that clearly is sexist in nature."
"The OP should absolutely be reporting this series of events to someone higher up the food chain at this school." ~ Glad-Talk
"Tip for now and the future: CYA. Cover Your A**."
"When something is happening you don't agree with, document everything to protect yourself from fallout."
"Someone in class is purposely trying to discredit and invalidate people?"
"Make records of their actions to show your complaint is the tip of the problem."
"Something at work seems dodgy?"
"Make sure you have records of you sharing your concerns with higher-ups, so when sh*t hits the fan, you've got proof you did all you could to avoid it and were ignored."
"Good luck." ~ Turbojelly
"NTA. Under those circumstances, experienced lecturers have fob-off phrases that are politer than yours."
"'That is beyond the scope of this presentation' or 'I'd love to take more of your questions, but I'd like to get questions from other students too,' then look at the other students for help."
"'Or' that's an interesting question, but discussion on that would take up more time than we have here.'"
"You get the idea. He's a pain, but there is one in every group."
"You need a polite but firm shutdown phrase, see how your lecturers handle similar situations, and make a mental note." ~ anemoschaos
"I was thinking what a ridiculous thing for you to get in trouble for until I saw that he called you a b**ch, and I realized you're a woman."
"If a man had shut him down there would be no further action from anyone. NTA." ~ attabe123
"Soooo... that TEAM meeting, no one pointed out that that question was..."
"1- Unrelated to the discussion at hand, and..."
"2 (and more important) essentially virtue shaming those girls?"
"HE NEEDS A SAFE SPACE, MY A**!!" NTA." ~ palabradot
"NTA. You were creating a safe space by preventing all the eyeballs in the classroom from being permanently stuck in the reverse position." ~ HIOP-Sartre
OP came back with an update...
"There were 3 guys and 1 girl (me) in the group, and the professor is a guy also."
"To everyone asking why I didn't handle this 'professionally'..."
"This is the first time I've done something like this, and I was already nervous because of the grade/assignment aspect, and I get major stage anxiety."
"This was the first time in my whole life that I've had to do an academic presentation."
Well, OP, it sounds like Reddit is with you.
You did the best you could.
You weren't rude, just to the point.
Hopefully, this will all be resolved peacefully.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.