We've probably all known someone who seemed to have everything handed to them in their life.
And when they get something we were really hoping for and working for, it can be hard to swallow, agreed the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor Legacy-Ad8754 was having a nice time at the New Year's Eve party with his family.
But when his sister-in-law called him out on his privilege, the Original Poster (OP) was not having it.
He asked the sub:
"AITA for taking a 'nepotism baby' joke too personally?"
The OP wasn't interested in a conversation happening on New Year's Eve.
"At our family NYE get-together, the topic of nepotism came up. I'm assuming it's something on the top of some people's minds as a result of the 'New York Magazine' cover."
"I (27 Male) had seen some buzz about it online, but I can't say I had given it much thought myself. The number of celebrities I care about is a small one and there's a good chance I don't know anything about their family tree."
"Because of a lack of interest, I didn't participate in the initial conversation. The topic was brought up my by brother-in-law's (BIL's) wife, and I listened for a while before turning to a conversation with my husband."
The OP was pulled into the conversation.
"After a few minutes, my BIL's wife said something along the lines of, 'I want to know OP's thoughts on this since he's a nepo baby.'"
"It was said somewhat jokingly, but I was still confused, so I asked her to explain."
"She said that since I work for my dad and was basically handed a job when I graduated college that I was technically a nepotism baby."
"I replied, saying it was a little ridiculous to compare me to actors and models who were making millions from their parents' names while my husband and I were just regular people working to support ourselves and each other."
"She said it was beyond just 'regular people working to support themselves' when I made [$$$] in a year."
The OP felt the conversation had gone too far.
"I thought the whole thing was wildly inappropriate to be discussing in front of all these people, and I told her so."
"She said it was just a joke and I was overreacting."
"The atmosphere was obviously a little tense following that, and she all but forced my BIL out the door before the night was even over."
"There were mixed feelings after she left with some people saying I took the joke too personally and other people saying she went too far."
"AITA?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some understood how frustrating it was for a family member to stir up family drama.
"Why did she have to 'call out' anyone? Like if I'm at a party with friends relaxing, I shouldn't be getting called out for anything." - Strainedgoals
"That conversation could have continued without directly bringing him into it. Even if he was the only one she knew of, there was no real reason she needed to call him out by name and push the question after he didn't want to talk about it."
"Her pulling the 'it's just a joke' card after he said it was inappropriate to push the issue in such a big group (which it is) is an AH move. I don't think he's an AH for not wanting his finances and job discussed in detail." - AshesandCinder
"She probably just wanted to make him look bad in front of friends. And she probably is jealous. She brought up the topic with OP on her mind, and when he didn't engage, she decided to pull him in." - azzaro253
"She also shared his salary, which is super rude." - majolie1970
"They just spent the night talking about how 'those people' suck and don't deserve what they have, and then she turned and pointed at OP and said, 'You're one of those people who we all just established we hate and don't think deserve anything they have.'" - Noodlefanboi
"She was clearly trying to stir the pot, come on. OP was staying out of the conversation and she went out of her way to put attention on him to embarrass him. Let's not be naive here and pretend the SIL wanted to hear from the nepo baby for research purposes."
"It would be like if I had a family member who cheated on his wife and got a divorce because of that, and at a family gathering where we're discussing cheating celebrities and he's staying out of the conversation, someone went, 'I'd love to hear so-and-so's opinion on this since he's a cheater.' Technically true, but still clearly malicious, confrontational, and inappropriate." - Winter_Ad_9922
"It's just stupid when the kids have grown up in the business. Sure, sometimes the kids have no clue about the business or the industry, but most of the so-called 'nepo babies' that I've ever met have probably been working in the family business since they could see over the front counter or handle the required equipment."
"We have kids that may or may not return to the family business. They've been working alongside us since the age of three or four, which means by the time they hit college age, they'll have almost 20 years of entry-level or higher experience in the business. That absolutely means something."
"I also have been known to hire the kids of other business owners, we have an office worker who has been filing paperwork since the age of 12. She's obviously at a higher level than the employee who got their first job at 20/21." - Independent-Face-959
Others pointed out that a family business still counted as a less extreme form of nepotism.
"I think the actual problem is that you're not understanding that nepotism can have nuances."
"Hiring/promoting someone, because they're a family member, is always nepotism but that doesn't mean all such situations are the same and have the same moral weight."
"If part of your reason for a hiring decision is your familial relationship to the other person it's nepotism, that's just what the word means." - majere616
"Every family member who works on the farm or in other small family businesses: automatic nepo baby."
"I honestly think there should be no shame to receive a privilege."
"However, the recipients should recognize that not having to battle 100 other applicants for a job is a huge leg up even if the job itself is just meh. Many people will give up a lot just to have a job." - OddEpisode
"ESH. She was rude but also right. I was never able to get a job in my field after college while classmates who got those jobs had no problems and are doing a lot better than me financially, because of their connections."
"So yeah, OP, you benefitted from nepotism even if you're not as rich as Elon Musk or Brad Pitt." - vcraftauthor
"Why is she out of line? They were already discussing nepo babies, and OP is one. Asking him what he thinks isn't out of line. If you don't like being confronted with living your life in easy mode, maybe stop doing that." - OrneryDandelion
"I agree that it is nepotism and that OP should recognize it but the way it was said, the moment was completely inappropriate and passive-aggressive."
"I would have taken it badly too and have a difficult time being honest with my situation when put under the spotlight like that without a way to get out gracefully."
"Small ESH but to me, the sister-in-law is the biggest in all that." - Gobadorgosleep
"ESH. Your BIL's wife made a tasteless comment, and she made herself the a**hole by pushing the conversation even more when you were against the comment and took offense to it. The conversation became very inappropriate once you showed how uncomfortable you were."
"On the other hand, you are failing to see that you are a nepotism baby."
"Your family started a business and you got to experience an easier time getting your first job out of college because of it. It is very possible that you did a lot of hard work to get yourself that job and it is also possible that someone else just as qualified for the same job got passed over because your family owns the company."
"You did nothing wrong by taking the job and your family has not done anything wrong by giving you the job. But you should recognize that you were lucky to receive a privilege in life that most people don't get to have."
"I understand that people may not like the term and, yes, the term itself is usually used in a negative way."
"I believe the OP is in the wrong by not seeing how nepotism does apply to them. They seem to generally think nepotism happens with the rich and famous only, and I want to make OP aware that the small business and hard-working people can fall into nepotism, as well." - 808Gemma
Like the OP's family, the subReddit was divided about the sister-in-law's behavior and the OP's reaction to the conversation.
Some took issue with the sister-in-law calling out the OP and assumed she was either jealous of the OP or simply did not like him.
But others pointed out that, though the OP wasn't a celebrity, his work situation was still a form of nepotism. They argued that if the OP was feeling insulted by the conversation, he might need to think about what that says about him.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp