Hair is everything.
For many, it is part of one's identity.
And when it's a child's hair, parents can be very protective.
Case in point...
Redditor throwRAcurlyhairrr wanted to discuss his experience and get some feedback. So naturally, he came to visit the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit.
He asked:
"AITA for flipping out on my sister?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"I (26 M[ale]) am a single father to my son (4 M)."
"My son has the most beautiful curly hair ever that he inherited from his mother who is afro-latina."
"I am white."
"My family all has straight hair except my mother who has curls too."
"Hers are way looser than my son's though so she doesn't really know what to do with his hair."
"He's very tender headed so we usually keep it short."
"For the past few months, he's refused to get his hair cut."
"I thought he was getting nervous because the barber's is usually packed but I tried to do it at home and he freaked out so now his hair is about chin length."
"I've taken some classes and used YouTube to care for it and he loves his hairstyles."
"My girlfriend (22 F[emale]) is black and she helps me with his hair too."
"I recently had to work late and my sister (32 F) was the only available person to watch him."
"She was taking her family to the zoo so my son was going along with them."
"When I picked my son up, his hair was straightened."
"I have never used heat on his hair besides a blow dryer (with a diffuser) and I immediately freaked out."
"I asked my sister what happened and she said that she tried to brush his hair before they went out and it looked 'messy' so she straightened it."
"I have made it clear before that no one can brush my boy's hair but me and my mother and heat is not allowed."
"She said she forgot she couldn't brush it and she didn't want him outside looking messy."
"I told her she should've just tied his hair up in a pony tail or bun after that."
"We ended up arguing and I took my son and left."
"My son was very upset and I had to call my girlfriend for advice."
"She came over and we managed to revert his curls with minimal damage."
"Now, my sister and her husband are demanding that I apologize."
"They're saying that I had no right to fight with them after they babysat my son and took him out."
"I honestly don't know if they're right or wrong because I've asked 10 people for their opinions (majority family) and they're spilt 50/50 on my side or hers."
"Everyone who agrees with her is saying that I should've reminded her of what to do with my son's hair when I dropped him off."
"Because I shouldn't have expected a white lady with white kids to know any better."
"My son's hair was in cute finger coils done by my g[ir]f[riend] when I dropped him off."
"AITA?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the A**hole.
"NTA. Who puts heat on a child's hair, especially when it's not even their child???" ~ TemptingPenguin369
"NTA. White people know damn well we don't know what to do with non-white hair."
"Even if you had never mentioned it, If she wanted to do something to his hair, she should have at least called and asked for advice." ~ Aggravating_Start411
"Also saying that his hair looked 'messy' is racist."
"Just because his hair doesn't look like a white person's hair doesn't mean it's bad."
"Also I have so much sympathy for this kid, I have very fine straight hair."
"It tangles even if I'm sitting still."
"Nobody could brush my hair as a kid without me breaking out in tears."
"It was genuinely one of the most painful things I've experienced."
"I barely let anybody near my hair now, almost 4 years without going to an actual hairdresser."
"I can only imagine how painful this was for his kid and traumatic."
"Just because he's a kid doesn't me he doesn't deserve to have consent for what happens to his hair."
"He's also learning at such a young age that there's something different about him, that should be 'shameful.'"
"I hope his dad never lets his sister babysit him again, for the sake of protecting his son from pure racism. NTA." ~ screechingraspberry
"I'm a white person, could straightening it with heat damage it?"
"My hair is just starting to become curly, but I would never touch anybody else's hair… come on."
"NTA I would have freaked out too."
"You don't change any child's hair!" ~ Jeterzhoni
"I have slightly curly hair."
"Wake up with a lion's main, but I'm able to put into a pony with light waves."
"I am not sure where to put it on the chart, but think about 60% of a classic Scottish and/or Irish wavy type."
"When I was in high school my mom wanted me to use a curling iron on my hair every day instead of putting it in a ponytail."
"She told me to use it for ten seconds."
"I thought she meant hold it for ten seconds."
"Thus I burned the lower inch or two of my hair due to improper heat management."
"That was from miscommunication rather than borderline malicious intent that OPs sister had." ~ Ok_Whereas_Pitiful
"NTA - but the kids 4 years old."
"Who cares what his hair looks like?"
"Why should the sister even care?"
'Too bad that someone at the zoo might think you have a kid with you with untidy hair."
"It seems crazy to me to even worry about it." ~ IgnotusPeverill
"Oh NTA."
"You don't mess with anyone's kids' hair no matter the ethnicity."
"Don't cut, color, straighten, curl, etc."
"She was way out of line." ~ herdingcats2020
"NTA. So imagine if a blonde kid was dropped off and came back with brown hair cause the family thought that blond hair looked thin and brown would look thicker."
"That is a similar level of crazy to what went down here."
"There is no reason to freak out over a 4-year-old having messy hair, or to change their hair because it's messy - that does not impede trips out of the house."
"A 4-year-old is fine to go out the house as long as they are reasonably clean and clothed."
"That's it. Hair styling is 100% optional."
Your sister was WAY out of line." ~ thirdtryisthecharm
"NTA. She knew what she was doing, and you are right to protect your kid."
"And keep looking out for him—I predict this is the tip of the racist iceberg."
"Well done OP for being a great dad and stylist to your kid." ~ camellia_s
"NTA. Your sister was both ignorant and racist."
"This is a microaggression."
"The fact that she could not see it and now they are wanting you to apologize says a lot."
"This is your child they had no right to touch his hair." ~ ChimiJae123
"NTA. She used the word 'messy' as a bad excuse for wanting your son's hair to fit her idea of an acceptable appearance." ~ AzureNope
"NTA - She skipped calling/texting you for input."
"If it is not your child you do not change the hair."
"She overstepped and is stating it was 'good intentions.'" ~ DesertSong-LaLa
"NTA, and I'd keep her away from your kid."
"She called his hair messy, even though it was styled by his mother in a cute, natural style."
"At best, she's wilfully ignorant, and at worst, actively dislikes his racial heritage."
"Either way, her criticism of his appearance (and obliquely, his mother's) will damage him."
"I'd feel differently (same vote) if she seemed open to learning, but she already violated your boundary and then doubled down on it by demanding an apology." ~ Randomized_Tiger
"NTA- Race has nothing to do with understanding that if the child is not your child you do not significantly alter their hair without parental consent." ~ GothPenguin
"Altering a minor child's appearance and grooming (especially one with part Black heritage) without at least consulting the parents (let alone without knowledge or consent) is a big 'Hell, no!'"
"Not even gonna get into insensitivity regarding Black hair."
"Ask her if it was her child, would shaving their head be okay with her? NTA." ~ Old_Leadership_5000
"NTA. I'm white. And I know nothing of curly hair."
"Though my hair has a bit of a curl to it when long."
"Nothing massively curly."
"But even I know you ask before doing anything with or to someone else's kid."
I don't care if it's simply just giving them a cookie. Or even a carrot."
"I ask their parent before I do it."
"I make sure to write down any allergies they have or restrictions."
"Your sister really should have called you when she 'forgot' about your rule with his hair."
"You do not mess with another person's child."
"I have to say at the very least she did not try to cut it."
"That would have been a lot worse."
"What she did was reversible."
"And wouldn't take a long time to reverse."
"I say get a babysitter that you trust."
"Make sure you write down your rules and post them where they can see them."
"Like on the fridge."
"And make sure your son knows where they are so he can tell them to look at them if he is uncertain." ~ Psycuteowl
Well OP, Reddit hears you and clearly agrees with your reaction.
It sounds like you and your sister need to come to an understanding about boundaries.
Hopefully she's willing.
Good luck.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp