There's no denying that parenting has its tough moments. Sometimes kids get sick or get their hearts broken or start asking tough questions.
This last one is really hard for some parents to navigate, truth be told.
Some parents try to avoid tough conversations altogether, pointed out the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
That includes a friend of Redditor Pomlemonde who tried to avoid the subject of who her kids' father was by avoiding men entirely.
When the friend balked at her refusal to get involved, the Original Poster (OP) wondered if she should be more supportive.
She asked the sub:
"AITA for telling my friend her kids not having a dad isn't my problem?"
The OP was supportive of her friend, Stacy, and Stacy's children.
"I've been friends with Stacy since we were in elementary school."
"When Stacy was in her early 20s, she was a wild party girl and ended up getting pregnant twice (before anybody asks, it was consensual; she just liked going to 'parties')"
"I helped her look for the father of both kids, but many paternity tests later, she still doesn't know."
"I'm the godmother of both of her kids and I love them to bits."
But then Stacy made an unexpected request.
"My son's birthday is next week (which is allowed where we live) and Stacy asked me if my friends don't bring their husbands."
"I was very confused and asked why?"
"Stacy told me her eldest daughter has been going through grief that she doesn't have a father in her life."
"Stacy didn't want her daughter to see the kids being happy with their dads."
The OP had to decline.
"I felt terrible, but I told her I'm not going to do that since my husband and I are friends with them."
"She had the audacity to call me selfish."
"I told her, 'I'm sorry, but my god kids not having a dad isn't anybody else's problem, but yours.'"
"AITA?"
The OP also reflected on why she was so honest in the comments:
"I always felt like I enabled Stacy because I was always excusing her behavior. I know it sounded harsh, but I felt like she needed a reality check."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some said that Stacy sounded incredibly entitled.
"NTA. People who demand that everyone cater to their issues are obnoxious. Sure, it's nice to be considerate, you try not to drink wine in front of an ex-alcoholic or have blinking lights if someone is epileptic."
"But from there to demand that everyone cater to their demands and accommodate for them at every turn? You're gonna see happy dads with kids all over the place anyway. In movies, books, in school."
"You can't get away from it, and you need to learn to live with it. Just like an alcoholic can't demand a shop removes all their liquor because it triggers him. It's incredibly entitled." - tuviapollack
"NTA."
"I'm perplexed as to why she thinks it's ok to put restrictions onto others because of her own mistakes."
"She effed up by effing around - I'm sorry, that's her problem, not yours." - DiamondHeist1970
"NTA. That's honestly quite entitled of Stacy, she can't expect the rest of the world to pretend to be fatherless just because her kids are."
"I have no issue with partying and casual sex but honestly, this is extremely irresponsible on her end. Obviously, I don't know the details of her encounters and birth-control can fail, condoms can break, but you'd think after the first oopsie pregnancy she would be a little more careful." - pacifiedperoxide
Others agreed and said further enabling her would not help.
"Sounds to me like you have been a wonderful and supporting friend. Sometimes, our friends require a little attitude adjustment, even if it means you have to drag them kicking and screaming back into the world of reality."
"After all, if you can't depend upon your friends to save you from yourself, who will? NTA." - TheDissentingGopher
"NTA. She got pregnant not once, but twice by one-night stands and chose to keep both kids. She had to know that sooner rather than later her kids would want to know about their fathers."
"You are not obligated to pretend that your son's friends don't have fathers in order to make Stacy's life temporarily easier. Even if you did, this problem isn't going away, she should get her daughter into therapy." - Consistent-Leopard71
"Husbands are banned? OMG, this woman needs help. Actually, if her daughter is really struggling, SHE needs help. If she's having a hard time processing her feelings about her family life/lack of a father, she deserves a place to be heard."
"I wonder if the request really came from the daughter or if Stacy is feeling insecure." - AffectionateBit3827
"It's unrealistic and stupid. It's her fault, not yours, and you all shouldn't have to hide your husband's like they are some toy all because your godchildren don't have a father." - Ok-Complaint8368
A few kept pointing out holes in Stacy's plan.
"What happens if there is a single dad? Or, two gay dads? Or, if the mom can't drop the kid off and the dad can?"
"It is much better to acknowledge that the daughter is feeling sad, and point out that families come in all shapes and sizes. Some have a mom and dad, some have more than one dad and/or mom, some have only a mom, and some have only a dad. And all are ok." - Glittering_knave
"It is unrealistic. Instead of coming up with an age-appropriate way to explain why her kids don't have fathers, she's creating a world where men and fathers don't exist."
"It's not going to help the kids." - Ok-Raspberry7884
Though the OP had mixed feelings about how she approached her friend's request, the subReddit agreed she had done nothing wrong. Her phrasing may have been harsh, but they inferred that it was time for Stacy to hear it, and that obviously it would be wrong to demand someone to limit their child's birthday party guest list.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.