Hypotheticals are a real problem sometimes.
Someone asks you about something you have given no thought to and you answer.
Usually, the answer to the hypothetical doesn’t land well and you find yourself having an argument.
This was the problem facing Redditor and Original Poster (OP) iwishitwasfriday0705 when she came to the “Am I the A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for clarity.
“AITA for telling sister that BIL wouldn’t be in my wedding?”
She started with the background.
“So for starters. I’m not even engaged.”
“But my sister Katie (24) has been hinting that my boyfriend of 6 years, Ryan (28) is going to propose.”
“I don’t know if she knows something I don’t, but yesterday she came over and brought it up.”
Katie raised an interesting question.
“She then asked who I would have in my wedding party when the day comes.”
“I’ve always envisioned who I wanted in my wedding, so I told Katie she would be my maid of honor(MOH) and listed the other girls I would choose.”
“One of them was my childhood friend, Annie. (This is relevant later).”
OP answered the hypothetical easily enough, until…
“She then asked about the men.”
“Obviously, I can’t choose who he would pick, but I guessed he would pick his two brothers, his two best friends, and our brother, Danny.”
Katie had a suggestion for the party.
“She immediately got kinda crappy and asked “well what about Alan? (22, her husband).”
OP explained her stance.
“I told her that none of us were close to him and I didn’t see Ryan ever picking him to be in a wedding.”
“She said she would feel uncomfortable if Alan wasn’t in the wedding.”
“For one, there ISN’T a wedding as of now, so why even worry about it?”
“For two, in the 3 years they’ve been together, I’ve never felt close to Alan at all, he doesn’t hardly talk to any of us when he’s around, and Ryan has only talked to him maybe 5 times total.”
Katie wasn’t finished making her case.
“She later texted me saying she doesn’t understand why I would have Annie but not Alan, as Annie and I don’t stay in contact much anymore.”
“I told her that while Annie and I don’t talk every day like we used to, we were still inseparable growing up and I know she’s still there when I need her.”
OP had a question of her own.
“I made the comment that Alan didn’t have Ryan as a groomsman in their wedding, so what’s the difference?”
“She says I’m being insensitive to her and Alan’s feelings, over a wedding that isn’t even a true thing yet.”
OP returned to make a few parting statements.
“I’ve commented this a few times but just in case comments aren’t gone through by a new reader, Ryan was not even invited to Katie’s wedding.”
“She told me that as the MOH, I would be ‘too busy’ to entertain a date.”
“I was upset but respected her choice and never brought it up again”
“This is a very odd thing to get bent out of shape over, trust me I know, but this also isn’t the first time that Katie has gotten totally off hinged by hypothetical situations”
“Our son was the ringbearer in their wedding.”
Having made her case, OP left the decision to Reddit.
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided: NTA
Some were quick to point out Katie was out of line.
“I mean, the gall to think she gets to dictate who her sister’s maybe-future-husband will choose for his groomsmen.”
“Alan probably wouldn’t even want this for himself, it’s just Annie wanting her husband in the wedding party with her. I’d tell her to drop it or she won’t be in the wedding party at all herself.”~TellSomebodyIt_
“I think the sister just wants to be able to walk down the aisle with her husband again, make it more her day.”~Zsazsabinks
Others pointed out the double standard.
“Next time she complains I’d reply with that, ‘Well I was thinking you’d be too busy to have Alan there…’ “~LimitlessMegan
There was a reminder about who decides what about the wedding party.
“The bridal party should be made up of close friends and relatives of the couple, and the groom chooses his groomsmen.”
“Being married to the bride’s sister doesn’t automatically mean he should be in the wedding.”
“Your sister is being… odd.”~Fit-Bear
Some asserted the wedding party isn’t all it’s cracked up to be.
“Honestly being in a wedding party isn’t that great. you’re at a separate table usually a long one so sitting by at most 2 people, everyone watching you eat, wearing rented clothes…”
“I’m totally ok not being included, even if my spouse was.”~mikeyj198
One commenter tried to get to the root of the issue.
“I guarantee Alan has no desire to be in the wedding”
“Your sister is taking offense to him being excluded because SHE has jealousy issues with regards to Annie.”
“My guess is that your sister was jealous of how close of friends you were with Annie growing up…and now harbors resentment because of it.”
“Now she feels as if Annie is being prioritized over her again and it’s bringing up all those old feelings. That’s the reason for the text about her not understanding why you prioritize Annie in the wedding since yall aren’t as close as you once were. She’s been competing with Annie in her own mind her entire life and she’s still competing with her.”~The__Riker__Maneuver
Hypotheticals are a real problem sometimes.
While it’s always good to think about what might be, it’s always important to acknowledge what is.
Hopefully, Katie and OP work out this particular set of possibilities, but maybe we can all take a lesson here: avoid hypotheticals.