Cooking dinner for a group is not easy.
Preparation is key, and preparation needs time.
Chefs take all of this very seriously.
When this understanding is ignored, this get messy.
Case in point…
Redditor adopterdaddd1652 wanted to discuss his experience and get some feedback. So naturally, he came to visit the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit.
He asked:
“AITA for refusing to cook my boyfriend’s birthday dinner?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“I’m (31 M[ale]) a sous chef and I’m used to cooking for family and friends.”
“This past weekend, my boyfriend (32 M) decided to have some friends over for an early birthday celebration.”
“Which I initially thought would be some sort of a wine and cheese party.”
When I got there, however, I found out he had bought a lot of ingredients and was expecting me to cook dinner for 12!”
“For a split second I thought we had discussed about it and I simply forgot, but no!”
“He just assumed I’d up for cooking, because I cooked his birthday dinner last year.”
“But on that occasion he had asked me beforehand and we even went through the menu together.”
“And I ended up spending most of that party alone at the kitchen while everybody mingled in the living room.”
“Plus, that day I had worked the lunch shift, was felling tired and, most of all, I was PISSED that he just assumed I’d be his personal chef.”
“We had an argument and he told me to forget about it because people were arriving, so he just ordering some pizzas.”
“He spent the whole night ignoring me.”
“I’m torn about apologizing to him or not.”
“At the end of the day, it would just be easier to cook the damn dinner, but I felt I was right to put my foot down.”
“AITA?”
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA?:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared our OP was NOT the A**hole.
Let’s hear some thoughts…
“I mean, sure, OP can have that talk with him if he wants.”
“But no adult should have to be educated about why that was an uncool ask, plus he’d witnessed how much work it was the year before.”
“I seriously doubt that if the situation was reversed and boyfriend expected OP to essentially (surprise!) serve as an employee after a long day of work while he and his friends had a nice party, that he’d be all, ‘I’d love to!'”
“So why should boyfriend be shocked that the same is true for OP?”
“Only someone lacking basic empathy would fail to see this, full stop.”
“If you are unable to see things from someone else’s perspective and imagine how they would feel, especially after it’s explained to you once, you have no business being in a relationship.”
“Relationships are for people who understand that their partner is a full human being with feelings and rights of their own, not a personal appliance.” ~ zepuzzler
“NTA… It would be basic communication and basic decency to ask.”
“On what planet did he think you would walk in and be happy to see a bunch of ingredients waiting for you after cooking for others?”
“Outrageous.” ~ RoyallyOakie
“My fiancée is a saucier, she loves to cook and loves to entertain.”
“That being said I’d never expect her to cook for people without a proper heads up.”
“Even for small gatherings (4-6 people including us) we plan days ahead of time.”
“I couldn’t imagine springing 12 people on her the day off. NTA.” ~ DrWhoop87
OP needed y’all to know…
“Edit: A lot of people who are speed reading are assuming I’m his girlfriend.”
“As stated below, we’re both men.”
“Also, I’m trying to see it as a case of miscommunication.”
“What he told me was that he was thinking about inviting everybody over ‘like last year’ and I said that sounded great.”
“He apparently thought I was agreeing to cook for everyone, ‘like last year.'”
“So in his mind he did ask.”
Reddit continued…
“Last year you planned. You discussed.”
“You laid out a menu ahead of time and shopped together. This year…<crickets>…”
“Look, I’m not in any way a professional in the kitchen… I’m a solid home cook, but my education is in, well, education – I’m a teacher.”
“My spouse and I entertain… regularly, I guess?”
“And it’s not uncommon to have some of my spouse’s team for dinner – they’re mostly 20-something single guys living with roommates who don’t really cook.”
“My spouse has never, in the decade+ we’ve been married, and almost two we’ve been together, invited more than one person over for dinner without checking with me.”
“NEVER. 12?! “
“Yeah, the closest we’ve ever gotten to that was we invited six folks for a teammate’s birthday.”
“One of whom was the new resident, who didn’t realize it wasn’t an ‘official’ dinner and mentioned it to someone else and the team figured it was an open invite.”
“And even then, I got almost eight hours notice, and we were having lasagna and tiramisu (and my tiramisu was…”
“A) already made and…”
“B) is from my surrogate Nona, who ran a restaurant kitchen for 40 years.”
“It feeds 14 NO problem!”
“I had more than enough warning to scale up, had all the ingredients in my freezer/pantry.”
“And even then, my spouse was all about ‘Say the word and I’ll cancel the whole thing if you’re even a tiny bit stressed about this.'”
“Your boyfriend was either utterly clueless or got greedy.”
“I’m not sure which, but he owes you an apology and a promise to never do it again.”
“If those don’t happen, that tells you a lot.” ~ Sashi-Dice
“You still deserve an apology.”
“Even if it was an honest miscommunication, he was the one initiating the communication (in proposing a dinner ‘like last year’).”
“And so I see him as the one responsible for making sure he communicated his intent clearly.”
“Which he obviously didn’t, which is NOT your fault.”
“Add an apology on top of that for treating YOU like the one at fault because he didn’t clearly express his wants or consider your own needs.”
“I don’t get people who act like accidents by default don’t require apologies, or like their misunderstanding of a situation exonerates them.” ~ ettuyeezus
“Boyfriend wanted OP to cook for a 12 top with zero prep done.”
“Depending on what boyfriend wanted cooked, veggies could need to be cleaned and cut, pasta/rice cleaned and cooked, meat prep and cooking.”
“Like, that’s hours of work both cooking and cleaning, and a real bitch after working the lunch rush.”
“There are nights I just want to eat something I can toss into the oven to cook because I can’t be bothered to cook something fresh after working the dinner rush.” ~ RebeccaMCullen
“NTA. He doesn’t respect your profession.”
“Nobody would (I hope) dump a bunch of motorcycle parts on the floor and say ‘I want a working bike for my birthday tomorrow.'”
“He did the same to you, assuming that you can start from scratch, the same day, with a bunch of ingredients he chose, dinner for twelve.”
“That is something you ask for. Not assume, ask.”
“The way he did last year, and somehow lost that capability in the ensuing year.”
“Don’t apologize to him; he should be apologizing to you.”
“He allocated a big chunk of your time and energy and is now sulking because you didn’t have the time and energy available on demand.” ~ ThingsWithString
“NTA, he takes you for granted and you were right to put your foot down.”
“You should celebrate with everyone else, not work the entire night and for free as well!” ~ Ok_Yesterday_6214
“I feel like a decent partner would have noticed their paetner in the kitchen for most of the party, working hard instead of relaxing.:”
“And asked if that was okay or if they should try something different next time, rather than wait to hear a complaint.”
“I mean, a lot of people will do like you did, because it was a labour of love or they don’t want to sour the memory, so it’s on the person who received that gift to check in.”
“But also he knows the kind of planning and all that went into it last time, he was there.”
“That he figured he could skip anything like respect and just dump ingredients on you the day of … that would leave a bad taste in my mouth, were I in your place.” ~ brokeanail
“NTA. It’s amazing that he loves your food and wants to share it with others, but he’s not thinking of the practical side of it.”
“This is your job, and you’re tired, and you want to be able to enjoy a party as well.”
“I think this is an instance where you just need to tell him what you told us, that cooking takes planning.”
“You love that he wanted to share your food with friends but you need to be asked in advance and that doesn’t mean you will always say yes.”
“Sometimes you want to be a guest at a party.”
“Maybe sometime in the near future you all could host a dinner party.”
“He can handle the house and tablescape, while you do menu and cook. Best of luck.” ~ DaphneMoon-Crane
Well OP, Reddit understands your plight.
Hopefully you and the BF can have a chat and find understanding about what transpired.
Good luck.
Be kind to yourself.