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South Asian Woman Balks After Dad Demands Her White Husband Sleep On Couch While They’re Visiting

Photo by Mert Kahveci/Unsplash

Remember when we were growing up and we couldn’t have co-ed sleepovers in our parent’s houses?

Or if a “friend” of the opposite sex came over there was no going upstairs, or leave the door open, or stay this many inches apart?

That was stressful and a lot to remember.

Well what happens when you get older and meet a significant other?

Do these rules still apply? And why?

Case in point…

Redditor throwawaymom11_ wanted to discuss her story for some feedback. So naturally she came to visit the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit.

She asked:

“AITA for accidentally sleeping on the couch with my husband?”

The Original Poster (OP) explained:

“My (24 f[emale]) husband (24 m[ale]) and I are visiting my family.”

“My husband, kids and I were getting ready to go to our room for bed when my parents started acting really awkward.”

“Like something was off.”

“I asked them what was wrong and my mom quietly told me that my husband should sleep on the couch in the living room.”

“I was a bit shocked because… why?”

“Apparently my dad doesn’t feel comfortable.”

“I called her and my dad weird and told my husband to ignore them.”

“We finally put our kids to sleep and are getting ready to sleep when my mom barges into the room while we’re changing and says that she doesn’t want us in the same room alone in her house.”

“My husband is freaking terrified at this point because he was in the middle of changing so he leaves for the couch.”

“And my mom says she’s sorry but she’s not in the mood to deal with my dad’s complaining all night.”

“I pointed out that my younger sister (21f) and her husband have slept in the same room at their house MULTIPLE times and she’s never said anything and she goes “well… your husband is white so your dad feels weird.”

“I was over it so I said fine.”

“I got up at like 4am to drink some water and I saw my husband wide awake just lying on the couch.”

“He said the couch is uncomfortable as hell (which yes it is) so I sat down next to him and we both accidentally fell asleep.”

“I woke up later to my mom freaking out.”

“She was whisper yelling (so she doesn’t wake up my dad) and asked if we’re that codependent on each other that we can’t spend one night alone.”

“I tried explaining that it was a mistake but she kept calling me disrespectful and said that I was selfish etc.”

“I was upset but my son called for me so we ended our conversation.”

“Now I’m wondering if I really am the a**hole in this situation?”

“My mom says I am because I was being selfish, disrespectful and completely disregarded how difficult her life would’ve become if my dad found us.”

“My whole thing is that it was an accident, I’m 24, my dad is being weird and my sister’s husband doesn’t have to do this so why does mine?”

“My family and I are south asian.”


Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA?:

  • Not The A**hole
  • YTA – You’re The A**hole
  • NAH – No A**holes Here
  • ESH – Everyone Sucks Here

Redditors declared our OP was NOT the A**hole.

It’s a tricky situation.

Let’s hear some thoughts…

“OP please stand up for your husband.”

“This is such bad behaviour from your parents, especially given they seem to have no problem with your sister.”

“Not allowing parents to treat your spouse like shit is a hill every spouse should be willing to die on.”  ~ elag19

“OP, suggest that you, husband, and your parents have a discussion.”

“You tell them that it is your impression that you and your husband staying in the same room together in their home makes them uncomfortable.”

“Ask if that is correct. If so, then you know that any future visits will require you to stay in a hotel, with relatives, or AirBnB.”

“It may result in fewer visits because of the added expense.”

“I would not even suggest arguing with them because their reasoning is racist.”

“I am unsure if you could convince your father.”  ~ iadggm

“NTA. WTF! What kind of shenanigans is this?”

“I don’t see why your dad has any issues with you sleeping in the same room with your husband.”

“You guys have kids so clearly sex has happened.”

“And why is it any different that he’s white? Why are your parents racist?”

“Do they treat your kids differently because they’re half white?”

“If they do, you need to step up and protect your children from your bigoted parents.”

“And step up for your husband, too.”  ~ Paper-crane82

OP responded quickly…

“Right? I’m glad that I’m not the only one who thinks my parents are being very strange.”

“Like I don’t know what they’re so afraid of considering we have literal kids??”

“They treat my children well.”

“If they even dared to say something to them I would definitely not be in good terms with them.”

“I’m the first person in my family to marry a white person so I understood the initial shock when I told them but that was years ago and I thought that they had gotten used to it.”

“Because of you know what, this is my husband’s first time staying over so I didn’t know this was going to be an issue at all.”

“I’m still pissed but my husband keeps telling me it’s fine and that we’re leaving anyways.”

“However now that I’ve gotten a few comments I’m thinking of talking to my parents about how weird they were being.”  ~ throwawaymom11_

“I think the reason mid 20s people post here so often is because your 20s is an absolute minefield for crap like this.”

“You’ll still run into the same crap with your parents that you had to deal with as a teenager, except now, you don’t have to deal with it.”

“You’re dealing with parents who still see you as their kid rather than an actual adult, and husbands or kids who need you to step up for them and set appropriate boundaries.”

“I’m going NTA for the question as posted, but OP needs to step up and deal with the underlying issue.” ~T heDisapprovingBrit

“Why in the WORLD did OP put up with this?”

“Her parents displayed staggering racism and utter disrespect for OP, her husband, and their marriage.”

“I would have thrown a fit and packed up my family right then, no matter what time of night it was.”

“And I would have told dear old dad that he would see me and my family again only once he could offer a sincere, heartfelt apology to my husband.”

“ETA: Elsewhere OP said it was snowing, the roads were icy, and the nearest hotel was some distance away.”

“So I understand spending the night.”  ~ calligrafiddler

“I think by ‘strange,’ you mean ‘straight up racist.’”  

“In case it matters, I am the product of a South Asian/White marriage.”

“I have been very lucky not to feel like either side of my family looks down on my ethnically different parent, at least as far as I have observed.”

“There is some disappointment that I don’t speak my dad’s mother tongue but hey, my primary caregiver was born in Detroit, not India!”

“Interestingly enough, they seem to be particularly pleased that I have a fair complexion even though it is pretty obvious why!”  ~ kalyknits

“OP I am south Asian too and I don’t take any of this crap from my family anymore.”

“If I had CHILDREN with my partner and they were still pulling this crap, we would have no relationship with my family.”

“I don’t even put up with the couch crap nowadays (they only meet partners of 1.5+ years anyway).”

“9/10 times they will choose you over this pettiness.”

“Your husband is telling you it’s fine now but it won’t be in 5 years and 10 visits later.”

“Don’t spend the night. Check the weather next time. Best of luck!”  ~ themonkeytamer

“NTA for falling asleep on the sofa next to your husband, but what are you going to do next?”

“Here’s what you should do, set clear boundaries that if your husband will not be respected by your parents, then you can no longer visit their home that includes an overnight stay.”

“You are married, you have kids, they are the priority.”  ~ Yogafunkgirl

OP came back to give us some more details and background. 

“Edit: Yes, I know a lot of this has to do with my husband being white and them being racist/prejudiced.”

“I called my parents weird/strange/awkward because of what they were doing (glaring at each other, swearing at each other under their breaths, randomly going quiet out of nowhere etc).”

“They do this pretty often and have been doing it for as long as I can remember.”

“So much that my sister and I call it the “weird mood.”

“Like ‘keep an eye out for mom and dad, they’re in their weird mood.’”

“Sorry for so many edits but this should be the last one. I’m getting a lot of people asking the same thing so I’m just going to copy one of my replies.”

“My kids were not in danger.”

“We live over 8 hours away, it was snowing HEAVILY and the roads would’ve been icy and pitch black.”

“it was after 11pm, my sons are 2 and 3 and the nearest hotel is pretty far away.”

“Not to mention my husband and I had been driving for literal hours and were completely exhausted.”

“Trust me, we definitely thought about it and BOTH my husband and I decided to stay the night.”

Well this is a whole mess of a situation.

It almost feels like OP has to choose between families.

That is never an easy battle.

Good luck and get some sound rest before you tackle this.