The death of a spouse is not only emotionally difficult, but it also brings out a lot of complicated family dynamics.
Redditor Useful_Menu_5811 recently became a widower, and when his wife passed, his stepson had a controversial request.
The request drove the original poster (OP) to the subReddit "am I the a**hole?" (AITA) to ask,
"AITA for telling my stepson that his kids weren't my responsibility?"
Useful_Menu_5811 provided some backstory:
"My wife was a lot younger than me, and she had a ten-year-old son when we met. Her ex had shared custody."
"I had a couple of grown children from my first wife."
"My stepson Charlie and I never really bonded. He had a father, and he made it clear I wasn't his parent, just his mom's husband."
"I respected this, he was always polite and respectful, just distant."
"I helped pay for his university when he went, and we attended his graduation."
"When he got married, our invitation was made out to his mother plus one."
"That was kind of a slap in the face, but we still attended and gave them a substantial cash gift to start their life. The thank you card didn't have my name on it."
This was only the beginning.
"My first wife had passed away from cancer, and it broke me. I didn't want to go through that again."
"Her youth was one thing that attracted me to my second wife. I know it was selfish."
"But I liked having a beautiful young wife to take care of, and she liked me well enough. I didn't realize how much I loved her until she died."
"She passed away from a stroke. She was 49."
"Charlie came to the funeral with his family. His wife whom I had only met at the wedding and his kids."
"We had known he had kids, but he had never made the effort to bring them for a visit. My wife loved the kids but Charlie wouldn't make the effort to come see us."
"My wife only had a very small estate, and she left it all to Charlie. He also took almost everything of sentimental value that she owned before we got married."
"I didn't begrudge him any of it."
Then grandchildren got involved.
"My first grandchild just graduated cum laude last year, and I went to his graduation. My son and his wife have worked hard to get their kids into college and I am proud of them."
"My son mentioned that my grandson had a job waiting and would be debt free pretty quick."
"I asked how much he owed. Then I wrote him a check to pay it off. I plan to do this for all my grandchildren."
"I guess my daughter-in-law and my stepson's wife are Facebook friends or something. He found out what I did."
"And he came around to ask if I planned to do the same for his children."
"I don't really have any connections to his kids. I don't see them. They don't consider me their grandfather."
"I've personally only ever seen them at the funeral. I was really put off by him coming by to ask about money after ignoring me for years."
"I know that if my wife were alive, she would want me to help out her son. It just felt dirty."
"I said that I had money for them in my will, and if they needed it for university, I would give it to them early."
"He said I'm a petty little man and that his mom would be ashamed of me for treating his kids like this."
"I don't really think I owe them anything. They have a 'real' grandfather. I'm only including them in my will for my wife's sake."
"So AITA?"
Redditors joined the conversation by voting:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP should be free of any guilt.
"[NTA.] They have already inherited under your wife's estate. IMO, you don't have an obligation to include them in your estate."
"I feel you have been more than generous in your treatment of the stepson. For the stepson to try to shame you and call you "petty" is shameful."
"Your decision - but I would cut this parasite out of my life and never look back. They have a biological grandfather that could meet their needs."
"Are your biological grandchildren going to have three grandfathers leaving them money?"
"I suspect not, so why should your step-grandchildren get what would be a "bonus" inheritance in addition to the inheritance they will receive from their father and mother's parents and in addition to the inheritance they have already received from your wife?"
"Basically, you are not treating your own grandchildren fairly." - briomio
"OP is definitely NTA."
"It's ok for Charlie to not really want a relationship, but to then suddenly expect the same treatment as OPs children who are actively in his life is not ok, he can't have it both ways."
"Also the fact that the only time he initiates contact is to demand money does not make Charlie look good." - Sea-Ad3724
"NTA, and I'd consider crossing them out of your will as well."
"He had his right to keep distance, but he can't expect to gain [something]. Your kids were in your life, so you help their families that's how it works."
"He stated you are just his mother's husband, so he shouldn't expect anything" - Ok_Yesterday_6214
"NTA"
"I would tell Charlie that he has defined the relationship you have with him and his family. That relationship is one of acquaintances."
"Basically, strangers who just happened to have loved the same person in different ways."
"And that you would not wish ill on him or his family but will only be offering help to the grandchildren you have a relationship with."
"Then block him." - Intoxikate05
"NTA but why are you including them in your Will???"
"He got his mother's estate, you didn't."
"I could understand if you got your wife's estate to pass it along, but you didn't… and they're not acting like family… And he's acting like an entitled a-hole."
"You're not being petty. He's the one that obviously [has] unresolved issues." - justhadtocomment22
"NTA. I'm very sorry for your loss."
"I lost my fiancée when she was 27, and it still hurts almost 20 years later."
"It sucks that you never developed a better relationship with your stepson. It is kind of you to include his children in your will."
"It is also kind of you to offer this money early if they need it for school."
"Your wife would be proud of you for not being taken advantage of by someone who only wants to use you." - SecretJealous4342
"Sir, with all due respect, you would be nuts to give them anything."
"Unappreciative a**hole, her son is."
"I barely got past the part where your name was left off the thank you card without blowing a gasket. NTA." - nonamenancy2
"NTA. And to add, I would redistribute my remaining assets as well."
"It's normal for a child to be sh*tty to a stepparent, but as an adult, he can't expect to give nothing and receive anything…it's ludicrous."
"He can't expect to not have anything to do with you, not let you see his kids and expect a check."
"It's ludicrous. I am sorry for your loss." - LawyerBelle07
"NTA. He didn't want you in his life, which I fully support, but he's also pretty petty for coming to you for money."
"He just wants to hurt you and get what he can out of you, don't worry too much about it." - taketheredleaf
"You were never his stepfather, just his mother's husband."
"To address you as his mother's +1 is just nasty. He received an inheritance from his mother and will receive one from his father."
"He is the petty little man, not you. You owe him and his children nothing."
"NTA." - Historical-Goal-3786
"NTA."
"I will never understand why some people think it is appropriate to treat their stepparents as if they do not exist but expect them to act as ATMs or personal bank accounts when it is convenient."
"He has no right to ask for the money in the first place." - throwaway3377662'
"'I don't really think I owe them anything. They have a 'real' grandfather. I'm only including them in my will for my wife's sake.'"
"OP, you have it right. And not for nothing, after this comment:"
"'He said I'm a petty little man and that his mom would be ashamed of me for treating his kids like this.'"
"He doesn't reciprocate your feelings to being anything close to resembling a familial relationship, and as soon as you fund anything for this ungrateful child, you will never see him or his family again... unless they need another monetary contribution."
"You know this because that's how it has been or worked before."
"NTA. Your vows were to till death due us part."
"Sorry for loss(es) btw." - A1askaKnight
It is shameful to take advantage of someone's death for personal gain.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp