Where work is concerned, sometimes we have to make tough decisions, like whether or not to apply for a position, or to move, or to ask for a raise.
But some of these decisions manage to break up families, according to the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor SweetDoggoLove had to make the decision recently whether it was worth moving or staying in the same place.
But when her family had mixed feelings about it, the Original Poster (OP) wondered if she made the wrong decision.
She asked the sub:
“AITA for refusing to move for my dad’s wife’s new job?”
The OP recently decided not to move with her family to another state.
“My dad’s wife got offered a promotion recently, but it’s in another state.”
“She, my dad, her son (11), and my half-siblings (3 and 5) all moved for her job, but I (16 [female]) stayed behind to live with my grandparents.”
“I refused to move away from my family with them, and it caused some issues.”
Her family was against the idea.
“My dad tried to demand I come and tried to talk me into it.”
“His wife said I was being unfair and holding the family back, etc.”
“I said I had my family here and I’d be fine; they should go without me.”
“My dad almost insisted on it, but then my grandpa reminded him I’d only have a year and a half of living there before I could choose to move back and that he might breed resentment in me.”
The dad wanted to know what the OP was thinking.
“My dad asked why staying close to my mom’s extended family (and my dad’s) was worth not seeing my parents and siblings.”
“I told him I never considered his wife my parent, and that while I’d miss my half-siblings and him, I would be losing a whole lot more family.”
“I knew that it would not bring me closer to his wife like I knew he was expecting.”
“He didn’t even try to deny he was thinking of it.”
The family was still upset after the decision was made.
“So they left, but my dad and his wife are still p**sed.”
“She called me selfish and told me my dad was miserable without me there.”
“My dad is p**sed that I wasn’t willing to give it a go.”
“But I’m honestly so happy I’m still here, and I love living with my grandparents and my uncle’s family (they all live in the same house).”
“AITA?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some said the OP had every right to take care of herself.
“OP, you are not responsible to manage the feelings and emotional well-being of your parents or step-parents. That is literally their job – to help you be emotionally and mentally well- adjusted, and to establish quality coping mechanisms. So, NTA.”
“I will say that OP’s dad may be hurt more than p**sed, but it’s not acceptable to take it out on OP. I think we expect our parents to be a bit emotionally bulletproof, and it’s tough to navigate sometimes.” – hoppityhoppity
“NTA. You have every right to refuse to move, and if you lived with the kind of people who are going to guilt-trip you and would force you to move with them even when you clearly didn’t want to, not going with them is probably the best choice. I wouldn’t advise visiting them anytime soon.”
“Also, there’s nothing wrong with not liking your dad’s wife. My parents split ages ago, and if either of them remarried or started dating, I’d hate it too.” – DanHeppell
“NAH”
“You seem to have a good understanding of your emotional needs.”
“You also have the support of your grandfather and presumably other extended family, so you’re not striking it out on your own or anything.”
“There is nothing wrong with taking care of yourself.”
“Your dad doesn’t seem ready for you to grow up (understandable) and your SM’s reaction is understandable as well. Not right necessarily, but at least understandable.”
“Is what you’re doing selfish? Sure. But also, so what? You’re not being malicious and you’re not going out of your way to hurt anybody. Selfish is not inherently bad.” – drgruney
Others said the timing would have been horrible for the OP.
“Also starting over socially at 16 sucks. Depending on where their birthday lands, OP has one or two years left, after a year and a half of God knows what kind of pandemic high school experience.”
“It makes sense to stay and finish with grandparents even without factoring in the stepmother relationship, who btw (by the way) really sounds like a charmer.” – Apprehensive-Jelly42
“Even if Dad truly wants all his kids together, it’s still incredibly selfish and inconsiderate of him. At 16, your life is mostly your friends and school. He’s wanting her to abandon her whole established life, start again from scratch, so he can interact with her in person for what, a couple of hours a day at most?”
“If you love your kids, you do what’s best for them, not what’s best for you.” – —fork—
“By that same token, the parents were selfish to want to uproot a sixteen-year-old from their friend group and extended family.”
“People can have competing best interests and not be selfish.”
“It’s in the stepmom and dad’s best interest to move to where the job opportunity is.”
“It’s in OP’s best interest to not move away from their entire extended family AND switch school system and leave their well-established friend group* with only 2 years of high school left.”
“People can have competing best interests and not be selfish.”
“*no, really, it’s rough. not only do you leave all your friends behind but making new ones is hard because the other students are settled into their own friend groups and not particularly looking to add anyone. OP wouldn’t be the a**hole based on that alone.” – owl_duc
Some questioned the parents’ behavior, as well.
“The grandpa is incredibly smart, as well. He seems to understand psychology. And good thing dad listens because it would have absolutely breed resentment.” – D**n_Crow
“I also wonder if he had the same inkling as I did… that the parents were actually p**sed because they were losing out on an extra hand to help the younger kids get used to the new area/school/schedule.”
“And with her not knowing anyone, she’d be available to babysit more… maybe.”
“I mean, I know it’s a reach… but unless the parents are clueless, they already knew how their daughter felt about everyone/everything… it’s not like it’s a brand new marriage (if the oldest half-sibling is 5…). After all that time?” – Meep42
“NTA”
“What is selfish is your father’s wife expecting you to give up your friends and family to make her feel better.”
“She is trying to make your move so she can feel better about herself, because as it stands she is a huge part of separating your dad from you (and vice versa).”
“You need to do what is best for you!”
“Your dad and his wife are adults, they are responsible for managing their own emotions; you are not responsible for making them feel better.” – Witch_26435
Though the family was divided on this, the subReddit was not.
There were questions about the legality of the OP being a minor and not moving with her father and stepmom, but if an arrangement was reached among the family, that’s another thing entirely.
But most of the sub understood where everyone was coming from, leading to a rating of a blanket NAH. The father was clearly sad to see his daughter not move with them, but the OP had valid reasons to want to stay behind.