It's always hard for children when one or both of their parents remarry, no matter how old they are.
Be they children of widowed parents or children of divorce, it's always difficult to accept that there is a new person in their parent's life, ostensibly taking the place of their mother or father.
Most of the time, all hesitation goes away after a year or so, and they grow to love their stepparents as if they were their own mother or father.
Sadly, not all families are so lucky.
Redditor Some-Year-8211 and his siblings did not take their father's re-marriage in stride, feeling that they were losing part of their mother by his doing so.
In order to keep her memory alive, the original poster (OP) and his siblings found a special way for the three of them to hold on to her.
However, when the OP's father, stepmother, and stepsister found out about this, they were not pleased at all and scolded the OP and his siblings for excluding the rest of their family.
Wondering if they had, in fact, done anything wrong, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**hole" (AITA), where they asked fellow Redditors:
"AITA for making a family memory book with just my full siblings and not including my stepsister or half siblings?"
The OP explained why their stepmother and stepsister took offense at the way they commemorated their late mother.
'My mom and dad had me (17 M[ale]), my sister (14 F), and brother (13 M) together.
"Mom died eight years ago."
"Dad remarried six years ago, and it was not easy for the three of us."
"Dad's wife, Rose, has a daughter who's like 11 now."
"They also have a 4 and 2-year-old together."
"About a week after their wedding, my siblings snuck into my room in the middle of the night, sad about dad being married and the changes that had happened."
"They asked if I felt like mom really gone now and I said yeah."
"I asked them if they'd like for us to have something just for us, no new family involved, where we could remember mom and talk about that stuff."
"They said yes."
"So I raised the money to buy a pretty nice scrapbook, and about once a month, my siblings would sneak into my room at night, and we'd put photos in and write memories we had, and I'd share the stories I remembered of mom since as the oldest I remembered her best and remembered the stories about her I'd heard."
"We never added Rose, our stepsister, or our half-siblings when they were born."
"We also didn't talk about it to dad or anyone else."
"I knew he wouldn't love that we were doing it."
"I kept it hidden in my room."
"Three weeks ago, my Rose went through my stuff and found it."
"She claims she was cleaning up in my room, but I know she was snooping because I had it hidden in a place that she wouldn't be cleaning."
"She went through it, showed my dad, and they sat my siblings and me down and told us that was a really unfair thing to have in the house and how mean it was to do something like that without all the siblings involved."
"My brother said it was just for the three of us as real siblings."
"Dad told him that was a sh*tty attitude and what are our stepsister and half-siblings if not real siblings."
"My sister said it would always be different."
"Rose said we should never have made something in the home we all shared when it excluded three of our siblings and would hurt feelings."
"She said we should have done something to bring us all together."
"My sister said that wasn't what she wanted."
"My dad sent them out of the room, and he and Rose told me I never should have gone along with it and how much it hurt my stepsister when she saw the book and heard what we'd been doing."
"Rose said it hurt her too."
"That she tried to make us all one family, and we made sure never to close that divide in the last six years."
"Dad told me he expected better from me."
"AITA?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
The Reddit community unanimously agreed that the OP was not the a**hole for leaving their stepsister and half-siblings out of the scrapbook.
Everyone agreed that as the scrapbook was meant to be a memorial to their late mother, there was no reason their stepsister and half-siblings needed to be included.
Many wondered if Rose simply wanted to cause drama as she was snooping where she wasn't supposed to anyway.
"The only reason your father's wife has hurt feelings is that she snooped through your private belongings."
"The only reason her daughter is hurt is that she showed her your private belongings."
"This hurt was created by your father's wife, who is older and should know better."
"There is nothing wrong with trying to keep your mother's memory alive in a scrapbook."
"Your father and his wife chose to blend their families."
"You did not, and you have every right to hold onto the memories of your life before your mother died."
"NTA."- type1error
"'Dad, I understand you and Rose want us to include step and half siblings.'"
"'But you need to know that we three are remembering our mother, a person that neither Rose, the steps, and the half-siblings never knew.'"
"'She was and still is our mother.'"
"'This scrapbook is a way for us to bond and grieve and has nothing to do with anyone else.'"
''You said you expected better of me'."
"'I'm still a teenager and doing my best for me and my siblings.'"
"'I am, as are my siblings, very hurt you and Rose are trying to erase our mom.'"
"'Pushing us to include them in some that has nothing to do with them is hurtful and shortsighted.'"
"'We lost our mom, and we cannot replace her.'"
"'Please respect that this activity hurts no one.'"
"'But taking it away will cause you to hurt your relationship with us.'"
"'Kindly, you need to stop.'"
"'We're hurting no one.''
''You're hurting us.'"
"NTA."- Beck2010
"NTA."
"It sounds like that is a vital way you all grieved your mom's death, to re-affirm what you had with her."
"You were all more than old enough that losing her left an irreplaceable hole in your life."
"People all grieve in different ways."
"None are more right than others."
"And there's no specific timeline for it."
"Your stepmom was a total AH for snooping through your stuff."
"And your dad was an AH for not understanding this is how you all grieve your mom's death."
"It sounds like your dad and stepmom just want The Happy Blended Family, no matter how you all feel about it."
"And they want you to ignore any feelings otherwise."
"This firmly makes them the AHs."
"I'd advise you talk to a grief counselor about this WITH YOUR DAD AND ROSE PRESENT, so they may understand your feelings are valid."- bmyst70
"NTA."
"There is nothing wrong with making something special to remember your mother."- Super-Breath6350
"NTA."
"It sounds like this wasn't about excluding your step- and half-siblings. It was about trying to keep your mum's memories alive."
"Perhaps if you had been open about it, there could have been a scrapbook for memories of your mum and a second book started for your blended family as it came together and grew, but you were just a kid (11 if I've worked it out correctly) when you started the scrapbook."
"You were just trying to be a good big brother and muddle through your feelings as best you could."
"It might not be too late for that second scrapbook but, either way, I don't think you need to apologize for the first one."- geordiehippo
The OP later returned with an update, revealing that after her stepmother learned of his post, things went from bad to worse.
"They were going to destroy the book because Rose found this post, but I was able to save it."
"I can't speak for my siblings, but I am done with dad after this."
"I only have a few months left, and I won't be sticking around, won't be trying any kind of therapy with them."
"I'm just done."
"I'll be grounded or something for a while, but I don't care anymore."
"At least it will just be me."
"My sister called our grandparents after everything went off, and now they know."
"They want to try and help, but I don't see that working."
"Thanks for all the comments."
It's heartbreaking to think that the OP's father's impatience with his grief was so strong that it led the OP to want to leave home and never return.
Hopefully, the OP might reconsider this decision should his father and Rose change their ways, however.
So that he might be there for his two younger siblings in a way his own father wasn't there for him.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp