Besides the love story of it all…
A marriage is an agreed upon partnership.
Equal partners is all aspects.
A part of that contract is “for better or worse.”
And in those times, naturally one partner might be pulling a heavier load than the other.
But sometimes, the load can start to be too hard to carry without help.
Case in point…
Redditor aitacoffeepurchase wanted to discuss his experience and get some feedback. So naturally, he came to visit the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit.
He asked:
“AITA for telling my wife I’ll purchase the coffee I want, because I’m the one with a job?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“I’ve lately come to enjoy some nicer coffee than I usually drank.”
“I brew it at home, so we’re not talking daily $7 drinks or anything.”
“Instead of getting a giant bulk bag of Kirkland coffee, I’ve come to enjoy a $12 bag from the grocery store.”
“It lasts a bit over a week, maybe two. Instead of $15 for about 5 weeks.”
“My wife doesn’t work. I work from home.”
“She also unfortunately isn’t doing a lot around the house right now because of a medical condition.”
“I’ve been picking up most of the slack while she sits around.”
“This has been going on for 6 months for the household, years for the job.”
“Yes, she has depression, yes she’s getting treatment for it.”
“I try my best to do what I can, but often times I have to ask her multiple times to help with even simple tasks to share responsibility.”
“We’ve had discussions on how I know she’s working on the issue, but I can’t do everything on my own.”
“I make plenty to be able to have my coffee be a splurge.”
“She’d previously commented on the cost, and I said ‘It’s well within the budget, and I like it. It’s fine.'”
“I’d shown her the grocery budget, which is nearly always under-budget every month for the past few years.”
“I brought home another bag the other day, and she made a comment along the lines of ‘You’re spending way too much on this fancy coffee. You need to go back to the other stuff.'”
“Having had to make the grocery run again, after doing other household chores that morning, I snapped.”
“I said, ‘The one with the job gets to make the grocery choices. Work again or contribute to the household and you can have a say in what we buy.'”
“She called me a cold-hearted a**hole and stormed out of the room.”
“So AITA for my reaction to being called out on coffee buying?”
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the A**hole.
“Just another NTA and good wishes.”
“You are getting some good suggestions from folks with personal experience.”
“You are clearly a loving and caring husband, and I hope some of these suggestions help turn things around.” ~ swillshop
“If there is, at all, a way to share with her some of the things that are said to encourage the both of you here, I’d say do that.”
“She needs a bit of a wake up call to understand what she’s doing.”
“I was diagnosed bipolar just shy of 20 years ago.”
‘My entire life, even before that, was learning how to navigate relationships along with my crippling depression (unless it was mania but that’s not what we’re discussing).”
“One of the things that I learned and still keep in mind is the fact that anyone around me is not obligated to stay around me.”
“Family, friends, even when I was married… They can all leave.”
“They can be pushed away.”
“I was lucky enough not to have done that, but many people in our situation don’t have this wake up call.”
“And never realize until it’s too late that they didn’t do what they needed to do, and they lost what they loved because of it.”
“There IS such thing as treatment resistant depression, but that requires your wife to actually participate in treatment in order to know if that’s something she has.”
“It will take a long time and a lot of trial and error with therapy and medications.”
“I say from experience, it is very very worth it.”
“She needs to try to find that peace.”
“You, OP, are NTA.”
“And you need to do what’s right for you.”
“At some point, even if it’s a few years from now, please know that it’s OK to walk away from someone who won’t fix what’s broken.”
“I call it broken leg syndrome.”
“If someone broke their leg, and they didn’t go get it set it would seem pretty ridiculous right?”
“This is, on many levels, the same thing.”
“Mental health can be more difficult to address but it’s still something one can’t ignore.”
“If she does, it’s ridiculous and it’s reasonable for you to be upset, and to take care of yourself.”
“I really wish you both the best.”
“I truly hope she sees the support she has in you and how easy it is to lose it.” ~ CraisyDaisy
“Hey OP, as someone who has been there and is currently supporting their husband through it, it’s really difficult.”
“We work from home with him as my employee, so we have a similar dynamic.”
“You’re allowed to be frustrated and occasionally short with your wife. You’re human.”
“Your feelings are just as valid as theirs are.”
“Household chores are something we are struggling with right now so I understand this entirely.”
“Perhaps suggest some counselling together so you can discuss how you can support her as she fights this demon and in turn, what you would like her to prioritize, even if that is therapy itself.”
“You’re NTA. You’re not even close.”
“Maybe ask her if there’s anything she’d like to splurge on once a week.”
“Or just bring her favourite cake or flowers home when you buy your coffee.” ~ Informal-Suspect298
“NTA, not at all.”
“This has absolutely nothing to do with coffee.”
“I suffer from severe depression and anxiety.”
“The more I sit and do nothing, the worse it gets.”
“All the treatments in the world are totally useless if I don’t follow through with my actions.”
“Time for her to find another therapist and develop a real plan for getting back to participating in life.”
Fattdog64
OP responded…
“Thank you for your insight.”
“She’s actually been putting off therapist appointments for a while.”
“I should encourage her to make one and check in on that.”
“Maybe even just gently prodding her into going for evening walks again like we used to.”
“I really, really want for her to be well and enjoying life.”
“I know my post comes off as grouchy and I did apologize for what I said to her.”
“I love her like crazy, this post is just a snapshot of our lives.”
“It’s not everything by any means.”
Reddit continued…
“Agreed it takes effort and also exercise.”
“Exercise is so good for depression.”
“People think there’s a magic pill but you have to work with the meds, it can’t perform a miracle.”
“No effort on her part means you can live like this forever, she can change, or you can leave.”
“NTA Don’t do this to yourself for too long OP, it will kill your mental health as well.” ~Pleasant_Tiger_1446
“He’s not the a**hole for buying the coffee he wants at all.”
“I do think it was a bit a**-ish the way he spoke to her.”
“He was right by what he said but if he said it to be condescending then that was an a** move.”
“I know what he is going through is probably unbelievably frustrating and I’m happy he is sticking by her.”
“I just think it’s important to remember to speak out of love to the people we love.”
“Best of luck to you both.” ~ CptKUSSCryAllTheTime
“NTA, but I do feel there may be more than the coffee issue going on for the response you gave.”
“Definitely better ways to talk about it than the response provided.” ~ OnceUponAMidnte
OP responded…
“I admit I’m growing resentful for having to be responsible for income, laundry, shopping, cleaning, and most cooking.”
“Even doing grocery pickup where I order online and all you have to do is call the store when you drive up is too much sometimes for her.”
“I have to ask or remind her multiple times to do shared chores.”
“Which half the time I end up doing anyway.”
Reddit went on…
“You’re human OP.”
“Every one of us snaps every once and a while.”
“And it sounds like you’ve been filling her cup in terms of compassionate care and you’re not getting it back because she’s struggling with depression.”
“I’m not advocating meanness, but sometimes for our own sakes we need to draw a hard line and, unfortunately, speak harsh truths so our partners understand us.”
“You should definitely have a talk with your wife so she understands that coffee=joy and by questioning or denying you that one small pleasure, after how hard you’re sacrificing to keep you two afloat, you snapped.”
“Apologize for the words you used, but if you’re really at your wits end in terms of resentment, don’t apologize for the sentiment.” ~ DenizenKay
Well OP, it sounds like Reddit is with you.
You and your wife both need some serious help in several aspects of life.
Hopefully you both can come to a peaceful understanding before it’s too late.