Money does something strange to people, especially when a person realizes that someone they know has a significantly higher income than they do.
But while it might be okay to dream of making the same amount of money as they do, if not more, it's not okay to feel in any way entitled to their money, pointed out the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor goodneighbourta was mildly surprised when her sister-in-law (SIL) invited her to attend her bachelorette party dinner, since she wasn't in the wedding party.
But when the end of the evening came, and she was asked to foot the bill, it became clear to the Original Poster (OP) why she'd been asked to come along.
She asked the sub:
"AITA for embarrassing my Sister-in-Law (SIL) after she expected me to pay her and her friends' dinner bill?"
The OP's husband and sister-in-law (SIL) were very different people.
"So I (25 Female) went out for dinner for my SIL's (28 Female) bachelorette party this past weekend."
"Between my SIL and my Husband (26 Male), SIL has always been the golden child of the family. Growing up, my in-laws coddled her and gave her everything that she wanted while my husband always got the s**tty end of the stick."
"She was always the popular girl in school, a cheerleader, lots of friends, and all the boys loved her. My husband was always a little nerdier and got picked on quite a bit, even my in-laws would give him a hard time about this and say he needed to be 'more like his sister.'"
"Fast-forward to today, both my husband and I went to top schools, got our degrees, and currently have very well-paying jobs in tech. I'm not trying to sound braggy, this is just for context, but we live a very, very comfortable life."
"SIL still currently lives at home with my in-laws who foot all of her bills, she had my niece (4 Female) with her ex and is currently going into her second marriage."
The OP was somewhat surprised to be invited to her SIL's bachelorette party dinner.
"This past weekend I was invited to this fancy upscale restaurant in my city for my SIL's bachelorette party (she just wanted to do a nice dinner). There were eight of us in total."
"At the end of dinner, the bill came out and the waiter handed it to me..."
"I was sitting there, confused for a second, until SIL spoke up and said, 'My parents and I were talking and were thinking you and my brother can handle the bill for this, as a wedding gift, since you're not financially contributing to my wedding.'"
"The bill was close to $1,000 USD."
"I stared at her, shocked for a moment and then was like, 'And you didn't think to bring this up to me beforehand?'"
The OP's SIL saw nothing wrong with her request.
"She started going off about how we're so well-off so what's the big deal, and she's sure her brother wouldn't have an issue with it."
"I asked her why her fiancé doesn't foot the bill, or my in-laws, and where in her right mind she thought it was okay to spring this on me."
"She started going on about how we're the wealthiest in both her and her fiancé's family and that she didn't think I would act like this and would say yes."
"I told her, 'Well, sorry, but I'm not your parents, don't expect handouts from me.'"
"She called me selfish."
"I called her an entitled brat, paid for my portion of the bill, and left the restaurant."
The family was split on how the OP handled the situation.
"To be expected, my MIL, SIL, and even some of the cousins and aunts on my husband's side have been absolutely furious with me and are expecting me to apologize for my comments."
"I told them, 'Over my dead body.'"
"My husband is 100% on my side, and we are debating on not going to the wedding."
"I was talking to my mom, and she thinks I took it too far with the comments, and should just apologize to keep the peace."
"AITA?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some were outraged by the level of entitlement in the family.
"NTA. The 'you've got money and a nice life, so you can do this for me.' No, just plain no. She's a spoilt little princess who needs a wake-up call."
"And you're not contributing to the wedding? Would that be because it's not yours?"
"All the upset relatives can get stuffed as well. Entitlement at its worst."
"Oh and springing it on you: an indication of what the future holds. She expects access to your money. I'd run." - Top-Put2038
"I would be embarrassed if I were one of her friends who were there. I'm sure SIL's behavior is nothing new to them. But seeing it in person is a whole different thing."
"I'm sure they were told this was pre-planned and taken care of. After hearing the stunt SIL pulled, I would hope at least one of her friends is second-guessing their relationship with her. I am, however, giving the benefit of the doubt for normal human manners, which might be lacking all around here." - CatmoCatmo
"NTA."
"The fact of her springing that on you at the end is unconscionable. It'd be one thing (still questionable) if they had approached you privately beforehand to see if you'd throw a dinner for them. It's another entirely to surprise you at the end of dinner and expect you to pay for not only her but six of her friends."
"Even more so that she did it publicly. My guess is she wanted to rely on you acquiescing to social pressure to do it without a fuss."
"Also, the fact that she expects contribution from you for her wedding; if you were her parent, that's one thing. But as a SIL? This is so wildly entitled on her part, and on the part of the family who's backing her." - worhal
"NTA."
"I guarantee you were only invited as a set-up to try and make you pay."
"Don't go to the wedding and I'd honestly consider how much contact you want to maintain with SIL and your in-laws moving forward. It's clear they see you and your husband as nothing but an ATM." - hannahsflora
"If they all got together during planning and decided that OP would be the one paying, I'm guessing they're probably a bit sour that OP is living comfortably while their own daughter is still mooching off her parents at nearly 30 years old and they didn't want another expense."
"They knew she wouldn't agree to it, so they didn't ask. And to add insult to injury, SIL clearly had to point her out to the waiter, tell him she was the one paying the entire bill, and probably told everyone attending not to worry about ordering, because they wouldn't have to pay." - trrrdbrrrglrrr
"SIL and her family have some audacity. The parents are going to be paying her way even when she puts them in Shady Pines."
"OP is NTA, and she and her husband need to go no contact (NC) with these toxic people. Also, OP's mom needs to stop expecting her to be a doormat."
"SIL needs to be told no and exactly what she is. Good on OP for saying no and staying with it. I wouldn't go to the wedding or send a gift. My going NC would be my gift if she really needed one." - DearOP_
Others applauded the OP for standing up for herself.
"This was 100% an attempt to spring this on OP on the assumption she would be too embarrassed to argue it in front of other people."
"Unfortunately for SIL, she didn't know about the shiny steel spine OP possesses." - shontsu
"NTA."
"You were not ASKED beforehand, you were VOLUNTOLD at the very moment the bill arrived."
"I'd have gone with, 'Well, it's nice that you decided that WITHOUT TELLING ANYONE, but I didn't bring my credit cards with me,' and I'd LEAVE." - proud_didi
"SIL knew she was wrong which is why she didn't say anything beforehand. She was hoping OP would simply cave to social pressure to not make a scene."
"I'll bet that SIL probably thought this was the smartest plan ever, and her parents encouraged her to think it was brilliant. And now she doesn't understand why OP didn't just play along." - PaganCHICK720
"SIL expected OP to cave to social pressure because that kind of entitled manipulation worked on scared high school kids. Now she's among confident successful adults but she still has a high school brain. Gonna be a rough ride for her, and she deserves it." - sympathy4deviledeggs
"There's a reason she waited to spring it on OP. She thought she could embarrass her into paying. How much did she pay for your wedding? She also doesn't get to choose your gift."
"I would boycott because they will try to attack you at the wedding. NTA." - babcock27
"My friend Zara's SIL, Jenny, did something similar. She insisted in front of both families that the groom's sister (Zara) had to make a contribution to their wedding and wanted Zara to pay for the honeymoon, which was a fair chunk of change."
"Zara asked for details and an invoice was produced for an obscene amount of money. I think it was in the region of $40K USD."
"She looked shocked, started shaking at the thought of having to pay that much money, but then said, 'When are we leaving and what time's breakfast? I don't enjoy hiking, so I'm happy to lounge around the pool. What time shall we meet for dinner every evening?'"
"When the family seemed confused by this, Zara clarified, 'If I'm PAYING that sort of money, then I'M COMING WITH YOU!'"
"Jenny was not happy at all, but Zara was the hero in my eyes! The level of entitled a**holery astounds me. NTA at all, OP!" - browneyedgal1512
While the subReddit was side-eying the OP's sister-in-law and most of her in-laws in general, they were applauding her for standing up for herself and covering a bill she really did not have to pay. Expecting someone to cover a hefty bill because they have a nice income is bad enough, but exposing that in front of a group of people, in the hopes that they'll cave to social pressure, just screams high school mean girl vibes.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp