When a couple of two different races or backgrounds decides to get married, they may not realize at the time some of the differences between them and the challenges those may create.
One of those challenges might be how to care for their biracial children's hair, according to the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor Additional_One_2532, a White father, had decided to take his biracial daughter to the hair salon to make her hair more manageable, not realizing the damage he was causing to her hair.
But when he saw his Black wife's reaction, the Original Poster (OP) wondered if he made a mistake.
He asked the sub:
"AITA for straightening my daughter's hair without my wife's permission?"
The OP took care of his daughter while his wife was away.
"I (male 32) have a four-year-old daughter. Let's call her Gracie."
"Gracie is half-Black, her mother (female 31) being African American."
"Her mother overall handled all of Gracie's hair care and taught me how to do simple styles but even those 'simple' styles were difficult."
"My wife ended up going on a vacation with her friends to celebrate her friend's birthday and my mother came over to visit."
"I hadn't done Gracie's hair in a few days so it became nappy and unmanageable. When I tried to comb her hair the comb broke."
"My mother said that I should get my daughter a perm so her hair would be more manageable so I took her to a salon and got it permed."
The OP's wife did not agree with the perm.
"My wife got home and when she saw our daughter she was livid."
"She screamed at me and then at my mother for even suggesting that but I think she's overreacting because it's just hair."
"Then she brought up our wedding."
"My mother had tried to get my wife to straighten her hair for the wedding but my wife refused because she wanted her natural hair on her wedding day so she could be as natural as possible."
"My mother often comments on my wife's and daughter's hair and I agree with my mother."
The OP and his wife could not agree.
"But now my wife's telling me that perms chemically burn and damage hair to change the texture and that I 'damaged' our daughter's hair."
"Now she's thinking of getting our daughter's hair cut so her hair can 'heal from the damages' but I still think she's overreacting."
"Besides, I don't want my daughter's hair to be cut. She looks so cute now."
"Am I the a**hole for straightening my daughter's hair without my wife's permission, even though Gracie is my daughter too?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some said the OP needed to respect his wife's and daughter's hair.
"Your daughter is half-Black... You're married to a Black person and you used the words 'nappy' and 'unmanageable'."
"Besides that, you sound like you haven't learned how to care for your daughter's hair nor tried to learn how to care for curly/coily hair."
"Not to mention, it sounds like you haven't learned to respect your wife's boundaries."
"YTA. Go watch a couple of videos on curly hair and stop listening to your mum!" - Toolz01
"No Black person would straighten their child's hair at such a young age, it's just not done. And for your info, hair isn't just hair in the Black community."
"Furthermore, you knew your wife was against straightening your daughter's hair. Did you ever ask her why?"
"You were absolutely wrong, educate yourself and then apologize to your wife and daughter. YTA." - kreeves9
"Cosmetologist here. I have refused chemical services on anyone under 13."
"It doesn't matter if they have booked an hour or more of my time. I always tried to explain why is not a good idea."
"If the little one is super insistent-bratty, I speak with the parent away from them and most of the time pretty much always force them to act as the parent, not as a friend."
"Any service between 13-15 is to enhance never to change dramatically."
"I'M SPEECHLESS. DAD, GRANDMA, AND STYLIST, JUST AWFUL." - ewillbefine1
"Her hair will be well. It's the fact that her dad put chemicals in it to straighten it while we are in the midst of a natural hair reclamation."
"It's a time for embracing our locks, no matter the texture. OP's daughter's hair will grow back as the perm grows out."
"Think of it's growing out hair dye. This sucks big time because the description sounded as though her hair was thick and beautiful."
"The thing that made me feel sick was him saying that, 'She looks so cute now.' He didn't think that she did before?"
"Dad needs to get some education about the beautiful women around him, one he created himself." - GnatGurl
Others were angry the OP didn't take care of her hair sooner.
"He could have actually taken care of her hair the days mom was away!!!!"
"My kids have straight hair and if I did nothing to it for a few days it would be an absolute mess." - Eelpan2
"He neglected his daughter's hair and then had to go to extremes to fix it!"
"And based on some of what he wrote, I wouldn't be surprised if he did it on purpose because he thought it was 'too hard' to keep up and figured he could get away with a few days of not caring for her hair properly."
"Sigh." - burninginfinite
"No parent should straighten their child's hair at that age. Those chemicals on such sensitive skin can easily burn the scalp."
"He had 4 years to learn basic upkeep of his child. Never mind him ignoring the fact that hair is a major part of black culture."
"Never mind that he could have called her family, not his mom who is also not black. Never mind the sexism and racism in the post."
"PSA OP - Your daughter also needs sunscreen!!! If anything, it's more important for people with darker skin since it's harder to see the early signs of skin cancer thus leading to a late stage diagnosis." - Rumpelteazer45
"YTA. It says a lot that I, a White person who lives in a super White area and has never laid hands on a single Black person's head, know more about Black hair care than a man whose own wife and daughter are Black."
"It tells me that Op is choosing to be willfully ignorant to these issues and that he is utterly failing both his wife and daughter because of it." - ShadowCast2550
After receiving feedback, the OP posted what he had learned.
"I've read the comments and came to a realization about my marriage and my wife and now I just feel horrible."
"My wife's mentioned in passing about her childhood and was always vague about it but after overhearing a conversation between her and my mother-in-law I just realized how much I truly messed up."
"My wife is dark-skinned and tall and she got bullied for that along with her hair. She went to a predominately White school in Bogalusa and that made her hate herself and her looks for a while."
"My god, my wording was horrible too. My wife is beautiful and so is my daughter and their hair isn't a problem."
"I'm the problem and so is my mother."
"After hearing my wife's conversations about me and my mother, I realized that my mother's a bully and I'm just a drone/follower."
"My mother constantly picked on my wife and I just stood by and blindly agreed because she's my mom. But that woman who I married is my wife and I should have protected her from… my own ignorance and my mother's ignorance."
"I took something she took pride in and belittled it. I was too lazy to learn and took my mother's advice."
"Hell, my mother's said so many cruel things that I didn't think twice of until reading these comments."
"She'd always make sure my daughter didn't play outside when she'd go over to her house because she didn't want her to be darker like her mother and that comment made me uncomfortable but I took it as a weird joke."
"I'm cutting my mother off and I'm going to apologize to my wife and daughter and start watching hair tutorials again. I'm also going to sign up for a hair braiding class when the pandemic has slowed down once more."
"God, I'm a horrible husband and father. When my wife is willing to talk to me (I won't force her), I'll apologize and if she wants to leave me over this, it'll hurt like hell but I'll understand. I've just pushed her to the sidelines for so long and couldn't even see it."
"I am the a**hole. The biggest a**hole here."
The OP also tried to educate his mother.
"I just got off the phone with my mother."
"My wife listened in on the phone call, I didn't realize she was in the living room with me until she put her hand on my shoulder during the call."
"My mother is well, livid. She freaked out on me and threatened to call CPS when I told her I didn't want her coming around my wife and daughter and refused to even try to understand what we did wrong."
"Then I mentioned the damage that the perm could cause to my daughter, (I read a small article by a Black-owned hair care company about childhood perm horror stories along with the history behind perms, and I'm just… disgusted with myself and my mother) and my mother said my wife was being a drama queen."
"When I told her my daughter might need a haircut behind this, she flipped out and said, 'I won't let my granddaughter look like a bull d*ke!' And I was mortified."
"She said she'd take my daughter from me and my wife and raise her the way God intended."
"That caused a screaming match. My wife put her hand on my shoulder in the midst of it and took the phone from me and told my mother if she comes to our home again the police will be called and then she hung up."
"I put our baby to bed and then we talked. My daughter and wife are beautiful and I don't understand how for the life of me I thought those horrible things."
"Maybe it was like that SNL sketch 'diet racism.' Hearing those things from your parent and just blindly listening no matter how horrible it sounds."
"My wife is still mad at me (rightfully so) but she told me she isn't leaving me over this."
"She said I have a lot to learn and that if I want this relationship to last I need to open my eyes and realize that the world I live in is different from the one she lives in and different from the world our daughter will live in."
"I'm horrified at myself and horrified at my mother. My father called a few moments ago but I ignored the call."
"I'll talk to him in the morning about this."
"I thanked my wife for staying with me, even though she doesn't have to. Tomorrow we are asking our baby girl if she wants a haircut."
"Knowing her, she'll want to get one like her uncle. He has these cool designs shaved into his head. If she wants that, she can have that."
"She's my world and I refuse to ever be this ignorant and harmful to her again."
Though the OP definitely messed up, the subReddit hoped the OP's updates meant he had learned something throughout this situation and he would make better choices for his daughter in the future.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp