Trust is a difficult thing to quantify.
How much or how little you trust a person can vary wildly from task to task.
You might trust someone to change your tires but not rewire your electricity, for example.
Still, what happens when the trust you feel you’ve earned isn’t given in return?
This was the problem facing Redditor and Original Poster (OP) deedeedaa1 when she came to the “Am I the A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for an outside opinion.
She asked:
“AITA for being mad that my husband wanted to use his dad as his emergency contact instead of me?”
OP got directly to the problem at hand.
“My husband (25 Male) just got a new job, and was filling out his paperwork at home.”
“He casually mentioned that he was putting his dad as his emergency contact since there was only one spot.”
“He said that he would add my number in the ‘home’ phone section as a compromise, but my number would be under his dad’s name.”
Then went back to give some more clarity.Â
“For context, his dad lives several states away, and if he needed to drive to us, it would take about 7 hours.”
“I (24 Female) told him that it didn’t make sense for his dad to be his emergency contact since he isn’t close and I actually live with him and am his wife.”
She even broke down her thought process.
“My line of logic was that if God forbid something happened, I live with him, am married to him, and should be the first person to know, especially since I would be the one who would be able to be there and help with whatever needs to happen next.”
“I wouldn’t want his Dad to be contacted before me since he wouldn’t actually be able to do anything.”
“His line of logic was that he doesn’t feel ‘100% comfortable’ of me being in charge, since he doesn’t know how I would handle an emergency situation.”
She was left to wonder.
“Am I the a**hole here? Am I overreacting?”
Having explained the problem, OP turned to Reddit for outside opinions.
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided: NTA
Some pointed out that her husband’s decision doesn’t make sense.Â
“NTA.”
“I’m sorry, but that’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard.”
“Spouses are first legal next of kin and he CHOSE you.”
“Unless you’ve bought some life insurance plan and he’s thinking you’d tell doctors to pull the plugs.”
“He clearly doesn’t think very much of you or your decision-making skills. So why marry you?”
“Maybe he should marry Dad. 😆”~Issyswe
Or,
“Why did he marry you if he doesn’t consider you to be his person?”
“It’s not just groceries, watching movies and dates.”
“Your spouse is your legal, medical and financial directive when you’re incapacitated.”
“It makes no sense to put his dad there.”
“He needs to sort his feelings out because he should respect your role in his life as an equal valid partner.”~moonpea
Comments suggested that there might be deeper issues.
“He is not filling out a power of attorney in the event that he is incapacitated, he is filling out who to notify if something happens to him at work.”
“If he doesn’t think you are mature enough to manage his medical care he needs to speak to an attorney, and you two should see a counselor to talk through what you both actually want in these situations as well as deal with the slap in the face that this is”~Apprehensive-Jelly42
And,Â
“NTA. this is a really weird line of logic. i would be worried there’s another reason he doesn’t want to put you down.”~plasticinsanity
Others just found it insulting.
“I’m really fed up with people (sigh, ok MEN) thinking that anyone who has emotions is somehow incapable.”
“I’m sorry OP, your husband is an a*s.”
“So you have emotions?”
“Like, that’s normal for human beings, and it doesn’t mean you suddenly become useless at being an adult.”
“I cannot understand why he would marry you and make you his life partner if he thought you couldn’t act as his life partner.”
“Maybe you need to show him this thread so he’s got something to consider while you go elsewhere till he wakes up to himself?“~KittenMadeOfStardust
Also,
“NTA NOT OVERREACTING.”
“You husband doesn’t trust you plain and simple.”
“And if he doesn’t know how you would handle a situation why wouldn’t he ask?”
“Why don’t you ask?”
“Like if he’s in a coma do you pull the plug etc. etc.. “
“You should def have these types of discussions now that you’re married.”
“Communication is key OP.”
“You want a successful marriage you both need to start doing the work.“~ButteryBisquit
There was also the practicality to consider.Â
“NTA.”
“I have my mother as my secondary emergency contact because she lives close enough to be of use if there’s an accident and my husband cannot be reached.”
“And while I’m super used to her taking care of me and it was tempting to just keep her as my emergency contact after I got married, it doesn’t make sense logistically or practically.”
“My husband is my next of kin and therefore also my medical proxy.”
“So unless your husband has also designated his father as his medical proxy to make decisions for him if he’s incapacitated, his father and/or the hospital is just going to have to call you too.”
“And what if his father is so freaked out that he hops in a car or to the airport to get to him and doesn’t call you about the emergency.”
“I can’t imagine that he couldn’t just email someone at work and have them add a second emergency contact even if ‘the form only has one line’.”
“Here’s the thing.”
“I think I’m pretty good in an emergency.”
“But if I need help, then I can be the one to call someone for additional emotional or logistical support.”
“We’re in our 40s so our parents are in their 70s.”
“It’s not fair to them as they age to leave them with this kind of responsibility.”~Purple_Sorbet5829
Trust can be a difficult thing to quantify.
The lack of trust, though, is easily identified.
Be mindful of the people you give your trust to, particularly when that trust isn’t given in return.