The division of labor in a household can be challenging.
What chores get assigned to which member of the house can make or break the happiness of the whole family.
What happens when the jealousy of chore assignment boils over and someone who isn't accustomed to the task takes it on?
What happens when the task is more than the newbie bargained for?
This was the problem facing Redditor and Original Poster (OP) roleswapaita when she came to the "Am I the A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for clarity.
She asked:
"AITA For giving up when I tried snowblowing and shoveling and making my husband do it?"
She began with the background.
"My husband and I live in a northern climate and have gotten quite a bit of snow over the last couple weeks."
"Usually, my husband does all of the shoveling and snow blowing."
"But we have 3 kids under the age of 10 and he takes forever to clear the snow off and sometimes is outside for almost 2 hours."
OP had theories about what was really going on outside.
"I'm pretty sure he just uses it as a way to get a break from the kids and drink beer in the garage, but I feel it's unfair that I don't get the same kind of break."
"We both work full-time and I'm a nurse so I've been exhausted for the last 2 years while he works an office job and works from home 3-4 days of the week."
So she decided to take on the job herself.
"A couple days ago we got another few inches of snow and I told my husband that I am going to clear the snow this time and he can watch the kids."
"He said fine and gave me a quick tutorial on how to use the snowblower and got me off and running."
"But I couldn't figure out a lot of it and it kept clogging because the snow was heavy and wet."
"I got frustrated and went to ask him for help and he unclogged the chute thing for me and it worked ok for a bit more but then clogged up again."
"I went to ask him for help again but he said he was in the middle of making dinner and told me to shovel the snow if I can't get the snowblower working."
Everything was fine until...
"I tried the shovel for a bit but the snow was way too heavy and it hurt my back and shoulders and I slipped and fell so I pretty much threw the shovel down and gave up."
"When I got back inside my husband said 'Oh, done already?' with a little smart-*ss smirk on his face."
"I was p*ssed and frustrated and I told him it's as done as it's going to be."
"He looked out the window and said that I didn't even get halfway done."
"I told him the snowblower doesn't work and the snow is too heavy to shovel and he started asking me how I was doing it and I just snapped at him that if he wants it done more than that then he's going to have to do it himself."
"So after dinner and putting the kids to sleep he went out and finished it and somehow got the snowblower to work."
"Funny, he didn't seem to have the same problems I was having."
"When he got done I asked him how he got the snow blower to work and he said he just used it like he normally does."
"I got mad and accused him of not showing me the right way to use it and setting me up to fail."
"He told me I was being ridiculous and offered to show me again how to use it."
"I told him not to bother since I was never going to offer to help with it again and he can have his little break away from the kids each time it snows."
"He told me I was being dramatic and that it's not that hard to clear the snow and I should have just stuck with it and figured it out."
"I told him I don't want him to mansplain it to me and he said, 'OMG, why are you being an a**hole about this?' "
"I told him he's the one who spends hours outside every time it snows instead of spending time with his kids, so maybe he's the real a**hole."
Having explained the situation, OP turned to Reddit for clarity.
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided: YTA
Some pointed out husband was doomed either way.
"YTA."
"You assumed he was deliberately taking his time in order to not watch the kids so you asked to swap roles."
"He was fine with this, didn't moan cooked dinner, and by all accounts looked after the kids."
"You found the snow clearing much harder than you thought and couldn't finish the job."
"You assume he deliberately showed you wrong then accused him of mansplaining when he tried to explain how he does it."
"He couldn't win could he?"
"Even if you had found it easy you'd have been annoyed."
"On a separate note I am also a nurse and work long hours etc and am struggling to understand how being a nurse is relevant to your post?"~ hobalotit
And...
"Honestly it doesn't sound like OP likes her husband at all."
"She so desperately wants to believe that he's a lazy dad and husband that doesn't pull his weight that she's angry when her disparaging assumptions are proven wrong."~ Confident_Profit_210
Others decided to summarize.
"TLDR: Lives in northern climate, does not know how to shovel snow."
"Does not understand snow can be wet."
"Thinks husband uses the snow blower to avoid being a parent."
"Has snit fit."
"YTA" ~ResoluteMuse
Or...
"YTA."
"Sounds like he had no trouble spending time indoors with the kids this go round."
"The grass was not greener under all that snow, apparently." ~ HappiestApple
Comments pointed out how unreasonable OP was actually being.
"YTA - I want to leave you, and I don't even know you."
"You are still blaming him for spending hours outside, to get away from the kids, when you just experienced, first hand, that it takes time longer than you thought?"
"Mansplaining is when a man starts explaining something to a woman, BECAUSE she is a woman, and he ASSUMES she doesn't know, because of that."
"If you have shown you don't know how to do something, and you even ask for help, then its just plain old 'explaining'.
"I guess next time you ask him how to do something, he should just tell you watch a youtube video and figure it out."~Himkano
Like we said earlier, the division of labor in a household can make or break a home.
Who gets what chore can cause jealousy or anger, even resentment.
Of course, it's important to let go of that resentment when you find out the other person is working just as hard as you.
Right?
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.