Anyone who has ever gone on a big trip with friends or family with hotel and travel accommodations knows that the arrangements require a lot of planning.
It would be really rude for the trip organizer to suddenly be uninvited from the trip, agreed the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA) subReddit.
After all the work she’d put in, Redditor snowboardingblues was shocked that the men in the group had decided to uninvite her because one of the other women could not attend.
Knowing she was in control of all the travel plans, the Original Poster (OP) debated what to do.
She asked the sub:
“AITA for not wanting to be disinvited from a trip I planned?”
The OP made extravagant plans for a friends’ skiing and gaming trip.
“I (27 Female) planned a ski trip with my boyfriend (29 Male) and some of our friends (mostly his friends).”
“We booked in advance. I told them about it and let them know they could come or not.”
“We planned on bringing our computers to have a LAN party while we were there (my boyfriend and I game together) once a few people wanted to go. We were really excited.”
But then the OP received an unfortunate surprise.
“Recently I learned as we arrived at someone’s house to watch a game together as a group, that I am not ‘invited on the trip any longer’ because one of his friend’s girlfriends couldn’t come due to work, and now it’s going to be a ‘guys’ trip.'”
“I feel pretty hurt. I got upset and asked them what right they had to disinvite me from a trip that I planned and to basically make it ‘no women allowed’ for some odd reason (we plan things all the time and I attend; we share the same interests a lot of the time so I am confused and bothered by the implication that I’d be distracting/in the way/make it less fun).”
“They brushed it off. So they are going now, without me or anyone else with a vagina, I guess.”
The OP’s boyfriend didn’t want to get involved.
“My boyfriend feels torn. He is kind of a people-pleaser and doesn’t want to make waves.”
“His friends say weird s**t sometimes about women (and say they are joking) but this makes me feel like they actually meant those things, and don’t even think of me as a friend (straw/back situation as some other things have happened that were similar but I brushed it off as my misunderstanding, at the time).”
“Instead of also being their friend, I’m just their friend’s girlfriend, which really hurts because I’ve really been there for a lot of these guys and gone out of my way for them (ex. one of them projectile-vomited in a bathroom at a friend’s house everywhere, and got embarrassed and didn’t know how to clean it while drunk, so I cleaned it up for them).”
“I have hosted at my house and always tried to make it fun. I don’t understand.”
“I told them it was fucked up and I planned the trip, so they don’t get to decide that. They basically acted like I was being emotional and just needed to get over it. I have refused to talk to some of them since then.”
The guys disregarded any of the OP’s comments.
“Everyone is acting like I don’t want them to go and do things with ‘just the guys’ and I am being controlling. The narrative has been lost among our friends and I am being painted as a villain compared to other women who were going, who are ‘cool with it.'”
“When actually, I don’t give a s**t (they go out all the time for ‘guys’ nights’ and guys’ trips), I just want to enjoy the trip I planned, regardless of being a girl, or not.”
“I don’t think telling them I’m coming anyway would even do anything; I can’t imagine going now, with how they clearly feel. That would be really awkward probably.”
“But it has created a rift between my dude and his friends and they are telling him I’m being unreasonable and overreacting, and he is talking about not going and is really p**sed at them but doesn’t want to ruin the friend group dynamic.”
“I know I can just plan something else, but this sucks.”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some pointed out to the OP that these guys definitely were not the OP’s friends.
“These guys do not respect you. I don’t even know how you can remain friends/friendly with them in the future. I think you and bf have some serious choices to make that are much more serious than whether or not to attend this trip.” – No-Elderberry2072
“Your boyfriend needs new friends. They absolutely mean all the AH things they say. Go on the trip with just you and your boyfriend. NTA.” – AITAobsession
“Holy f**kballs, girl. Get out and find a quality guy. I hope you haven’t paid anything for this trip and if you did, can you get it back?”
“Did you make all the hotel arrangements? Etc? Cancel them.”
“Maybe tell them that they are now uninvited from your trip. Ha!”
“Nothing to understand here. It’s them. Not you. They sound like they are 12, selfish, a**holes.”
“Stop making excuses for your boyfriend. He’s a people pleaser? I’d think he’d want to please his GF the most.”
“And these other guys? Oh yes, they mean those comments. Trust me.”
“And they do know how to clean up their own puke.”
“Dump these motherf**kers already.” – Punkrockpm
“This story breaks me because it hits home.”
“I’m a minority in gaming and my god, seeing people being misogynist sucks.”
“I dealt with so many friends who would use me as a target to ‘say hurtful stereotype stuff and as soon as I left them, I felt completely better and new.”
“Too many guys I see are ‘lonely’ but say, ‘oh, girls should be for the kitchen’ and are some of the great examples of karma I see. Oh but it’s online? It reflects their behavior in real life.”
“It’s great that OP got uninvited before and not during the trip. At least OP gets time.” – throwaway_Balloon92
“I wouldn’t ditch the boyfriend IF the boyfriend sees that he desperately needs a new bunch of friends.”
“This reads exactly as if OP got a boyfriend who’s the only reasonable guy in a pool full of raging misogynists.”
“Maybe he grew up with them. Maybe they’re his buddies from college. Whatever the cause, he thinks he’s stuck with them now. And they probably would have turned him into a raging misogynist, too, if he hadn’t met OP.”
“They all went and got themselves some nice, pliable, misogyny-internalizing girlfriends, anyway, judging from the way they quickly bowed out of the trip.”
“OP, every time you tried to be ‘friends’ with these guys by cleaning up after them, hosting events for them, etc., they thought you were just doing what women do. Host parties, clean up messes, all so they can enjoy their Dude Life.”
“It all fed into their sense of entitlement to a woman’s time and effort, without them being grateful or harboring feelings of friendship for you in any way.”
“Your boyfriend has been part of this crap all this time, and he’s not blame-free for never calling anyone out on it… but it’s time to cut loose. The two of you should make some new friends who don’t treat women like maids they get to have sex with.” – cottondragons
Others recommended what the OP could do for the trip instead.
“NTA. Unbook all flights and accommodations.”
“Book yourself a cool trip.”
“Make new friends.”
“Ditch boyfriend and have a fabulous holiday fling.”
“You are hanging around with a bunch of Incels who are not your friends. They have shown you what they think of your ‘friendship.’ Now listen to them.” – LetsGetThisPartyOn
“You organized the trip. They are major AH for trying to exclude you from the trip you organized, and your boyfriend is a major AH for not standing up for you. Get mad at him.”
“Remind him you organized this. Tell him this is time for him to stand up for you.”
“I am sorry you learned that these AH guys are not your friends. (Tip: never clean up after them again, doesn’t help them to see you as a friend.)”
“Insist that your BF respects you. And yes, of course, cancel all the reservations YOU made.” – lakehop
“Coming from someone married a decade, if he can’t advocate for you by now then book yourself a trip alone or with a friend and have fun. 27 is too young to be laden with such bulls**t. Find where you’re wanted.”
“NTA.” – TheMoatCalin
“INCELS! Incels incels incels. Drop the friends, maybe even the boyfriend (if he associated with these kinds, he’s infected, too, just better at hiding it than others).”
“And yes, 1000% cancel all reservations. All of them. Burn it all, because you deserve it for how their s**tty, antiquated ideologies made you feel. F**k ‘em up, OP!” – DillonDynomite
“Go anyway. This was a trip for you and your boyfriend and they were allowed to tag along. They don’t get to disinvite you from your own trip.”
“If the boyfriend is on their side, get your own room. No one would be making the trip without you. They have absolutely no control here. NTA.” – babcock27
The subReddit was left shaking its head over how the OP had been treated by her boyfriend and his friends, since they clearly were not also hers. As one Redditor pointed out, at least this happened before the trip, so she could make new plans instead.