It’s both expected and accepted that couples make compromises to make a relationship work.
The bends may not have a major impact, i.e. where to have dinner, what to watch on TV, etc… but we all give and take and carry on knowing that it feels good to make someone happy (and that we’ve got ours coming).
But sometimes compromises are impossible, especially when it comes to the likes of political beliefs and religion.
A woman on Reddit filed for divorce after uncovering her husband’s secret “very conservative” beliefs, so she turned to the “Am I The A**hole Here” (AITAH) subReddit to seek feedback from fellow Redditors.
Redditor NotPositiveThrowRA asked:
“AITA for filing for divorce after discovering my husband’s very conservative beliefs?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“I (26/F[emale]) have been married to my husband (27/M[ale]) for two years now.”
“Our relationship has had its ups and downs, but recently I discovered something that has shaken me to my core.”
“I have always been open-minded and quite liberal in my beliefs; I volunteer at a shelter for people experiencing homelessness and work at a center specializing in youth mental health.”
“My husband, on the other hand, portrayed himself as similarly minded when we first met.”
“We fell in love, got married, and I have been the primary breadwinner while he pursued various career interests, none of which panned out so far, and he is currently unemployed.”
“The trouble started when I stumbled upon some online activity that revealed he holds very conservative views on social and political issues.”
“These were views he never expressed before, and when I confronted him about it, he admitted that he had deliberately hidden them from me because he knew how important my progressive values were to me.”
“I asked him about the ‘women belong in the home’ posts he had made and asked him if he thought I would be better at home.”
“He told me that yes he thought I should be a housewife.”
“This revelation has hit me hard.”
“It’s not just about the difference in beliefs itself, but the fact that he kept this fundamental aspect of himself hidden from me.”
“I feel like I don’t truly know him anymore, and I’m struggling to reconcile the person I thought I married with this new reality.”
“Especially because his views in this case are unrealistic, especially due to him not even having a job.”
“I’ve always believed in open communication and honesty in a relationship, and now I feel betrayed.”
“It’s not just about politics; it’s about trust and respect.”
“I am the one supporting us financially, and while that doesn’t bother me inherently, the fact that he misled me about something so significant does.”
“I filed for divorce and gave him the papers today.”
“He pitched a fit and got really angry at me when I told him that I was leaving him.”
“He flew off the handle when I mentioned I was glad the prenup kept our finances separate.”
“He told me I can’t leave him like this and that I was an @ss and a b*tch for dumping him like this. That I promised to be with him for richer or poorer and in good times and bad.”
“I feel a bit guilty about leaving him in this way, though I can’t be with a person who thinks the way he does about women.”
“AITA?”
Redditors weighed in, with many agreeing OP is NTA (not the a**hole).
“NTA.”
“So he is living off your welfare (ie, you supply the money) and has conservative views?” – csunya
“NTA.”
“He literally admitted that he lied about who he was in order to form a relationship with you.”
“Even if you put the politics aside, that alone is enough to justify walking away.”
“He manipulated you.”
“To be clear, though, you should not put politics aside.”
“Conservative men need to learn that their beliefs have consequences.” – TelFaradiddle
“Of course you’re not the a**hole – the audacity of that man to think you’re going to continue financing his life.” – River_1026
Several had a good laugh over the irony of her husband’s “women belong in the kitchen” stance even he was the one at home unemployed.
“This is actually pretty hilarious.”
“The thought of him quietly typing away, women belong in the kitchen,’ ‘the man is the head of the household!,’ ‘wormens shouldn’t be aloud to vote’ and so on, all while sitting at home doing jack sh*t while you—notably, a women—earn all the money and (going out on a limb here, but only a very small step) probably do all the housework as well.”
“You, the breadwinner, have every right to kick this freeloading POS to the curb.”
“If he wants to be a good housewife, he needs to find a real man to take care of him.” – BeansPa
“Funny, if he really thought you belonged in the kitchen, he’d be employed.”
“Divorce him if you want to.”
“I’d laugh in his face and ask how his job search is going before telling him to go make me a sandwich since he has nothing better to do.” – Hachiko75
“Nah, his views aren’t conservative, not really.”
“Otherwise, he wouldn’t be kicking back and letting a woman finance his existence.”
“The men who yell the loudest about wanting ‘traditional’ wives want absolutely nothing to do with being a traditional husband.”
“‘Traditionally,’ the deal is that he earns all the money, and you run the household.”
“If you’re doing both, he’s just a freeloader.”
“He’s also a raging misogynist, and you’ll be well rid of him.” – Istarien
“If he ‘really’ believed a women should be in the home then he would get off his backside and get a job that can support a family.”
“Your husband actually has NO core values and just has too much time on his hands.”
“NTA for leaving a dead beat.” – Sharp_Replacement789
“NTA”
“lol I want to know what he’s actually mad about?”
“He wants a housewife but can’t afford to give the wife a house.”
“Make it make sense.”
“And oh, shocking, this guy is a hypocrite and has the worst views on humankind.” – Lov3I5Treacherous
“Wait, he’s a conservative who thinks you should be a housewife, but he’s the one without a job?”
“Ain’t that a b*tch?”
“But in all seriousness, this revelation should tell you he doesn’t value you as a woman or a human being.”
“And more importantly: he essentially told you to your face that you don’t deserve rights.”
“NTA” – HarukoTheDragon
“A hypocritical conservative… never heard the like before”
“living off of his wife while demanding wives stay home .”
“Shocked I tell yah .. shocked 😂” – Peanutsandcheese2021
Many also echoed OP’s claim that her husband isn’t the same person she thought she married.
“NTA, I had a boyfriend once who did something similar. He hid these parts until he felt secure enough to show them. I kept thinking it would all work out until it got to the point where it was scary.”
“I stayed 3 years until I realized this is genuinely who he was. I fell for someone I could never see eye to eye with, and he would never accept me or my values.”
“Because of these differences, every part of our lives would be an argument.”
“And frankly, he was a bully.”
“Don’t stay. It hurts now but you’ll see it’s for the best.” – pudding30
“Honestly, you could get an annulment instead of divorce.”
“He married you under fraudulent circumstances, so unless you’re in a state that doesn’t allow this, get an annulment instead of divorcing.” – TaylorMade2566
“Every conservative’s accusation is a confession. He committed fraud, got called out, & now has to blame someone else so he doesn’t have to accept responsibility for his own actions.”
“Extremely typical of the RW lunatic set. NTA” – Cara_Caeth
“A misogynistic men’s rights guy lied to get chicks? SHOCKER.”
“Though I have to wonder how thick your love goggles were on if you never saw any sign of it…”
“You promised to be with the person he portrayed himself as.”
“Now that you know that’s not who he is, this pr*ck in front of you is a stranger you promised nothing to” – Cute-Profession9983
“You promised ‘through sickness and in health’ to a facade of the man, not the man himself.”
“I’d go for an annulment, not a divorce.”
“On principle rather than for legal reasons, as it sounds like prenup already has you sorted.” – Dry_Wolverine8369
“You made that promise to be with him for richer or for poorer, in good times and bad under false pretenses.”
“He lied about something that would otherwise be a deal breaker because he knew you wouldn’t be with him if he told you.”
“He is literally not the person you thought you were marrying.”
“Reducing it to its simplest, he lied to you to get into your pants.”
“I hope you two don’t have kids.’
“NTA” – Astute_Primate
According to her fellow Redditors, OP had every right to file for divorce.
Her husband won’t change his views, and OP is definitely steadfast in hers.
Hopefully, having her affairs in order makes the process smooth for her.