It's alarming the extent some people will go to in order to keep something terrible they've done, like have an affair, a secret.
But secrets aren't kept forever, cautioned the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITAH) subReddit.
When Redditor Safe-Lifeguard68 discovered her husband was cheating on her, which quickly led to their divorce, only for them to discover that he had fathered children with his wife and affair partner at the same time.
But when years later the Original Poster (OP) discovered they had raised the affair baby to believe she was the one who had the affair and not his father, the OP felt the need to correct that bit of information.
She asked the sub:
"AITAH because I told my ex-husband's son the truth about why we divorced and how he came to be?"
The OP discovered her husband was having an affair.
"I (45 Female) used to be married to D (46 Male). We were together for four years and married for five years, from age 18 to 27."
"I thought the relationship was going well until I discovered D was having an active affair with C, who was 25 at the time and is now 43 Female. During that time, I collected evidence, consulted a divorce lawyer, and presented D with divorce papers."
"D did not protest and left me for C as she was pregnant, and I had trouble conceiving."
The OP then discovered that she and C had something in common.
"As the divorce proceeded, I discovered I was pregnant. Through my moral judgment, I decided to keep the baby and have primary custody, as D was enamored with his new fling with C."
"I would give birth to a healthy baby boy, M, and C would give birth to N."
"D would initially deny paternity of M, but with a DNA test, it was proven he was the father of both boys. He eventually started taking M for weekends and the occasional holiday, and N visits me."
"The boys would grow up to become friends and have a solid relationship despite the tense nature of what transpired between D and me."
"I never discussed with N in explicit detail why I and his father didn't work out, as it only came up in that particular conversation."
"I explained it to M when he entered high school, and I asked him his opinion on me dating as he is getting older but has a relationship with his father to an extent, and he seemed fine with it."
N went to the OP for help with a problem he was having.
"The boys are now 17 and entering their senior year of high school."
"N was over last weekend and seemed different. His mood was sour, and he seemed upset."
"Sitting down with him, I asked what was wrong, and though he appeared apprehensive, he opened up to me about some relationship problems he had been going through."
"His girlfriend of two years had cheated on him, and he was having trouble dealing with the drawbacks of it. He asked me whether or not two individuals could reconcile after infidelity."
"I was honest with him and said that it depended on the individuals, though it was often better if both parties moved on as the trust between the two had been broken and was not easily repaired."
N then asked the OP a much tougher question.
"He seemed to take the answer in stride but then asked me a question I wasn't sure I was prepared for, 'Is that what happened between you and my father?'"
"I confirmed that it had, which is why D and I divorced, that his father cheated on me with his mother, which resulted in his birth."
"He seemed conflicted and responded, 'So it's all been a lie?'"
"I asked him about that statement, and apparently, his father said that I cheated on him."
"I corrected him on that point and stated the reason for our divorce was infidelity on his father's part, and I had evidence for it."
The other household lashed out at the OP for telling the truth.
"He thanked me for the conversation and said he needed to go home now as it was getting late."
"I wished him safe travels and thought nothing else of it until a few hours later when I received an angry phone call from C blasting me for why she argued with her son."
"He went home to have it out with his father over the situation, but he wasn't home yet and couldn't wait. He had a very contentious verbal spat with C, calling her some unpleasant names I would not repeat."
"She is calling me a homewrecker (the irony in that statement) and that I'm an a**hole for poisoning her son's mind."
"AITAH for what I discussed with him?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some reassured the OP that she had taken the high road and handled this well.
"OP wasn't trying to be vindictive and make it sound as bad as possible. The kid asked if that's what happened with his dad and her. OP had every reason to believe the kid was already aware of the situation because he just said he did."
"And did they really expect OP to sacrifice herself to protect the people who really did the cheating? Of course not. There's a reason they didn't sit down and ask her to lie about this from the beginning. Anyone would have laughed in their faces."
"Honestly, I hope the kid gets some therapy. That's a rough truth to really shake up his self-identity." - Outofwirds
"For starters, he opened up to you and asked the questions 1) about your opinion on his relationship, and then 2) if 'that' had happened with you and his dad."
"You gave your advice/opinion on the first, and then when you answered the second, you had no idea he'd been lied to."
"And, since you're not a deceitful cheater, you just told the actual truth of what had happened."
"He then realized he had been lied to by his dad and mom. That's not your problem. You most certainly did not have to defend them nor act like you were the one at fault. Frankly, it's amazing the real truth hasn't come out sooner."
"He called a spade a spade. I have no sympathy for her, though I'm sure it hurt." - MackinawDreams
"NTA. You handled that with a kindness he never would have gotten anywhere else." - tjthemadhatter
"NTA. Three important truths here:"
"The victim never has to stay quiet so the villain can save face."
"Never let someone lie about you, especially when they're attacking your character."
"What is done in the dark always comes to light." - LouisV25
"The audacity to cast as the OP as the villain. She's the innocent person and wounded party."
"How f**king dare they lie about her character. And she's supposed to stay quiet? For what? She owes the kid the truth." - aitaisadrog
"N wanted the truth after being lied to (cheated on), so why should OP lie?! She has a right to tell her truth."
"His parents lying about their cheating is their cross to bear."
"He probably already suspected, given that he and his half-brother are a few months apart. It doesn't take a genius to realize something is wrong with the story when a man claims his first wife cheated on him, but he has two kids with two women within four months of each other, and he is married to one of the women after divorcing the other." - sikonaut
Others agreed and felt the problem was clearly with David and Claire.
"NTA. David lied about you, trying to make you out to be the cheater and homewrecker when he and Claire are the bad guys instead. You had every right to clear your name and tell your truth."
"Claire's opinion means nothing. She and David need to lie in the cheater bed they made." - friendlily
"NTA. All you did was tell him the truth. It's funny how she's calling you the a**hole for poisoning her son when they've been the ones poisoning his mind since birth."
"I find it hilarious that she called you a home wrecker when she was the reason for ending a marriage." - Wolfgang2026
"NTA. Those types of secrets never stay secret."
"My husband found out he had a half-brother when he was 31. His dad had cheated on his mom, and the other son lived in a different province. The other son was born 10 months before my husband, and his mom didn't know anything."
"However, the half-brother's mom was well aware. Their dad had little to do with either, but much more with my husband because he was legally responsible within the agreements of their divorce (unrelated and before my husband was born)."
"The half-brother contacted me through my work after a lot of Googling, and that's how it all came out. N found out by going to a person he trusted, OP, about something that was bothering him."
"Secrets don't stay secret." - manda14-
"The wildest part of this to me is that not only did they lie about who cheated, but they concealed the fact that these two are brothers. Were they just banking on nobody ever talking or doing a 23-and-Me? Wild."
"She was asked a direct question and answered it only then. She didn't bring it up, and the only other option was to lie. And even though he's lost faith in the parents who lied to him for his entire childhood, imagine if he lost faith in all three of them because she continued lying to him and then he found out none of the adult figures in his life ever told him the truth?"
"It's gonna be hard enough as it is. At least the OP supported him in his concerns and treated him like the adult he is coming to be."
"NTA." - BojackTrashMan
"The absolute audacity of David telling his son this lie. I'm a huge fan of not involving children in the details of infidelity, but this one definitely needed a correction by OP."
"There's an age-appropriate way of explaining it so that it's not a big secret and kids still feel like they can love their cheating parent(s). Lying to their kid was not the way to go."
"At age 17, the boys are old enough to live independently (with parental permission), or be learning a trade, have girlfriends (or boyfriends), and they are very close to being legal adults."
"If something can be destroyed by the truth, then it deserves to die."
NTA." - PawAirMah
Though involving children, even teens, in adult conversations is never advised, this is one of those rare situations where the subReddit felt that the OP involved her ex-husband's son the appropriate amount in her business.
Since he had come to her for help, and since she had only supplied him with the truth when his parents had not, the subReddit could only see where his parents had gone wrong: cheating and trying to cover it up.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp