It’s alarming the extent some people will go to in order to keep something terrible they’ve done, like have an affair, a secret.
But secrets aren’t kept forever, cautioned the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITAH) subReddit.
When Redditor Safe-Lifeguard68 discovered her husband was cheating on her, which quickly led to their divorce, only for them to discover that he had fathered children with his wife and affair partner at the same time.
But when years later the Original Poster (OP) discovered they had raised the affair baby to believe she was the one who had the affair and not his father, the OP felt the need to correct that bit of information.
She asked the sub:
“AITAH because I told my ex-husband’s son the truth about why we divorced and how he came to be?”
The OP discovered her husband was having an affair.
“I (45 Female) used to be married to D (46 Male). We were together for four years and married for five years, from age 18 to 27.”
“I thought the relationship was going well until I discovered D was having an active affair with C, who was 25 at the time and is now 43 Female. During that time, I collected evidence, consulted a divorce lawyer, and presented D with divorce papers.”
“D did not protest and left me for C as she was pregnant, and I had trouble conceiving.”
The OP then discovered that she and C had something in common.
“As the divorce proceeded, I discovered I was pregnant. Through my moral judgment, I decided to keep the baby and have primary custody, as D was enamored with his new fling with C.”
“I would give birth to a healthy baby boy, M, and C would give birth to N.”
“D would initially deny paternity of M, but with a DNA test, it was proven he was the father of both boys. He eventually started taking M for weekends and the occasional holiday, and N visits me.”
“The boys would grow up to become friends and have a solid relationship despite the tense nature of what transpired between D and me.”
“I never discussed with N in explicit detail why I and his father didn’t work out, as it only came up in that particular conversation.”
“I explained it to M when he entered high school, and I asked him his opinion on me dating as he is getting older but has a relationship with his father to an extent, and he seemed fine with it.”
N went to the OP for help with a problem he was having.
“The boys are now 17 and entering their senior year of high school.”
“N was over last weekend and seemed different. His mood was sour, and he seemed upset.”
“Sitting down with him, I asked what was wrong, and though he appeared apprehensive, he opened up to me about some relationship problems he had been going through.”
“His girlfriend of two years had cheated on him, and he was having trouble dealing with the drawbacks of it. He asked me whether or not two individuals could reconcile after infidelity.”
“I was honest with him and said that it depended on the individuals, though it was often better if both parties moved on as the trust between the two had been broken and was not easily repaired.”
N then asked the OP a much tougher question.
“He seemed to take the answer in stride but then asked me a question I wasn’t sure I was prepared for, ‘Is that what happened between you and my father?'”
“I confirmed that it had, which is why D and I divorced, that his father cheated on me with his mother, which resulted in his birth.”
“He seemed conflicted and responded, ‘So it’s all been a lie?'”
“I asked him about that statement, and apparently, his father said that I cheated on him.”
“I corrected him on that point and stated the reason for our divorce was infidelity on his father’s part, and I had evidence for it.”
The other household lashed out at the OP for telling the truth.
“He thanked me for the conversation and said he needed to go home now as it was getting late.”
“I wished him safe travels and thought nothing else of it until a few hours later when I received an angry phone call from C blasting me for why she argued with her son.”
“He went home to have it out with his father over the situation, but he wasn’t home yet and couldn’t wait. He had a very contentious verbal spat with C, calling her some unpleasant names I would not repeat.”
“She is calling me a homewrecker (the irony in that statement) and that I’m an a**hole for poisoning her son’s mind.”
“AITAH for what I discussed with him?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some reassured the OP that she had taken the high road and handled this well.
“OP wasn’t trying to be vindictive and make it sound as bad as possible. The kid asked if that’s what happened with his dad and her. OP had every reason to believe the kid was already aware of the situation because he just said he did.”
“And did they really expect OP to sacrifice herself to protect the people who really did the cheating? Of course not. There’s a reason they didn’t sit down and ask her to lie about this from the beginning. Anyone would have laughed in their faces.”
“Honestly, I hope the kid gets some therapy. That’s a rough truth to really shake up his self-identity.” – Outofwirds
“For starters, he opened up to you and asked the questions 1) about your opinion on his relationship, and then 2) if ‘that’ had happened with you and his dad.”
“You gave your advice/opinion on the first, and then when you answered the second, you had no idea he’d been lied to.”
“And, since you’re not a deceitful cheater, you just told the actual truth of what had happened.”
“He then realized he had been lied to by his dad and mom. That’s not your problem. You most certainly did not have to defend them nor act like you were the one at fault. Frankly, it’s amazing the real truth hasn’t come out sooner.”
“He called a spade a spade. I have no sympathy for her, though I’m sure it hurt.” – MackinawDreams
“NTA. You handled that with a kindness he never would have gotten anywhere else.” – tjthemadhatter
“NTA. Three important truths here:”
“The victim never has to stay quiet so the villain can save face.”
“Never let someone lie about you, especially when they’re attacking your character.”
“What is done in the dark always comes to light.” – LouisV25
“The audacity to cast as the OP as the villain. She’s the innocent person and wounded party.”
“How f**king dare they lie about her character. And she’s supposed to stay quiet? For what? She owes the kid the truth.” – aitaisadrog
“N wanted the truth after being lied to (cheated on), so why should OP lie?! She has a right to tell her truth.”
“His parents lying about their cheating is their cross to bear.”
“He probably already suspected, given that he and his half-brother are a few months apart. It doesn’t take a genius to realize something is wrong with the story when a man claims his first wife cheated on him, but he has two kids with two women within four months of each other, and he is married to one of the women after divorcing the other.” – sikonaut
Others agreed and felt the problem was clearly with David and Claire.
“NTA. David lied about you, trying to make you out to be the cheater and homewrecker when he and Claire are the bad guys instead. You had every right to clear your name and tell your truth.”
“Claire’s opinion means nothing. She and David need to lie in the cheater bed they made.” – friendlily
“NTA. All you did was tell him the truth. It’s funny how she’s calling you the a**hole for poisoning her son when they’ve been the ones poisoning his mind since birth.”
“I find it hilarious that she called you a home wrecker when she was the reason for ending a marriage.” – Wolfgang2026
“NTA. Those types of secrets never stay secret.”
“My husband found out he had a half-brother when he was 31. His dad had cheated on his mom, and the other son lived in a different province. The other son was born 10 months before my husband, and his mom didn’t know anything.”
“However, the half-brother’s mom was well aware. Their dad had little to do with either, but much more with my husband because he was legally responsible within the agreements of their divorce (unrelated and before my husband was born).”
“The half-brother contacted me through my work after a lot of Googling, and that’s how it all came out. N found out by going to a person he trusted, OP, about something that was bothering him.”
“Secrets don’t stay secret.” – manda14-
“The wildest part of this to me is that not only did they lie about who cheated, but they concealed the fact that these two are brothers. Were they just banking on nobody ever talking or doing a 23-and-Me? Wild.”
“She was asked a direct question and answered it only then. She didn’t bring it up, and the only other option was to lie. And even though he’s lost faith in the parents who lied to him for his entire childhood, imagine if he lost faith in all three of them because she continued lying to him and then he found out none of the adult figures in his life ever told him the truth?”
“It’s gonna be hard enough as it is. At least the OP supported him in his concerns and treated him like the adult he is coming to be.”
“NTA.” – BojackTrashMan
“The absolute audacity of David telling his son this lie. I’m a huge fan of not involving children in the details of infidelity, but this one definitely needed a correction by OP.”
“There’s an age-appropriate way of explaining it so that it’s not a big secret and kids still feel like they can love their cheating parent(s). Lying to their kid was not the way to go.”
“At age 17, the boys are old enough to live independently (with parental permission), or be learning a trade, have girlfriends (or boyfriends), and they are very close to being legal adults.”
“If something can be destroyed by the truth, then it deserves to die.”
NTA.” – PawAirMah
Though involving children, even teens, in adult conversations is never advised, this is one of those rare situations where the subReddit felt that the OP involved her ex-husband’s son the appropriate amount in her business.
Since he had come to her for help, and since she had only supplied him with the truth when his parents had not, the subReddit could only see where his parents had gone wrong: cheating and trying to cover it up.