We always want the very best for our loved ones, and sometimes we think we know better than they do about what is best for them.
But when we are wrong, we should listen, advised the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor throwRA33554 needed her family to learn this, and fast.
But when she stood up for herself and her family pushed back, the Original Poster (OP) wondered if she went too far.
She asked the sub:
“AITA for walking out of the surprise party my family threw for me?”
The OP went through a significant life change after she got married.
“I (26 [Female]) have been married to my wheelchair-bound husband, Adam, for 2 years.”
“His disability was a result of a major car accident shortly after we got back from our honeymoon.”
“His injuries were too severe and no one thought he was going to get better.”
“My life certainly changed, because now I have tons of responsibilities, but I’m happy and blessed to still have him in my life.”
The OP’s family didn’t appreciate these changes.
“Before the accident, my family used to invite Adam to events and dinners and visit all the time but not anymore.”
“They don’t see him much, but they help out with our financial struggles.”
“I have been told that being a caregiver is huge and unfair since I’m young.”
“My mom tried to set me up with a guy named James (her friend’s son) by inviting me to lunch with him or giving him my number/SM (social media) accounts.”
“I told her it won’t work. I love Adam and will care for him for the rest of my life if I have to.”
“I put space between my family and me and said unless they stop bringing James, who was disrespectful towards Adam around me, I won’t visit them.”
“Mom apologized and I haven’t seen James in months, which was a relief.”
That was, until the OP’s birthday.
“My birthday was days ago and I had to work that day but planned to celebrate with Adam in the evening.”
“At 3pm I got a phone call from mom, asking me to stop by once I get off work.”
“I arrived at mom’s house to find my entire family there setting up a surprise birthday party.”
“I was thrilled, I didn’t think they’d even pay for a party after already helping me with money.”
“I asked if I could go bring Adam so we could celebrate together, but they stalled, saying my brother will bring him.”
“But the door rang and there was James.”
“I was confused, and I asked what he was doing there.”
“Mom said I should relax as she invited him and his mom.”
“I remained calm and took the gift James brought after so much hesitation.”
“I opened it and there was some jewelry piece.”
“He made a snide comment, asking if Adam was ever able to afford such a piece of jewelry.”
“I closed the box and gave it back.”
“They insisted I take it but I grabbed my bag and said I was leaving.”
The family couldn’t see eye-to-eye with the OP.
“Mom said I should stay because the family, sisters, brother, aunt, and nephew came together to do this for me.”
“I told her it was rude of her to catch me off-guard and invite James to the party.”
“She and dad followed after I walked out, asking me to return, but I kept walking.”
“Mom and aunt left messages, saying it was disrespectful to walk out like that after the efforts they made to celebrate my birthday.”
“They said I had plenty of time to celebrate with my husband and I shouldn’t have made a scene and embarrassed them in front of their friends.”
“They said I screwed up and overreacted by being hostile towards those who were trying to be nice and take my mind off the stress.”
“I haven’t told Adam about it so he wouldn’t be burdened with family issues.”
“He’s still emotionally recovering and I’m being careful about the stuff that would upset him.”
“I found him asleep when I got home. He usually sleeps as early as 5pm.”
“We didn’t have a celebration but talked in the morning.”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some agreed the OP absolutely was NTA.
“If they hadn’t invited James, this would have been reason enough for you to walk out. If my family had ever organized a surprise party for me without my fiancé I would have left immediately. Them inviting James on top of this makes it soooo much worse.” – ladancer22
“NTA but at this point, you should go NC (no contact) or LC (low contact), because they will keep trying, and James is weird.” – Plushydior
“James comes off as a textbook NiceGuy. OP is definitely NTA.”
“She ought to have a coming to Jesus talk with her mom 100% and tell her to knock it off, and for her and her friend to knock it off with playing Cringey Cupids by encouraging James’s Nice Guy Behavior.” – CoacoaBunny91
Others thought the family and James were TA.
“Blind dates with a guy who has no problem going after a married woman, repeatedly, even after being shut down repeatedly…& who makes comments like that. He sounds like he’d be a controlling narcissist.” – Realistic-Animator-3
“NTA. Do not let your family manipulate you. Your family’s behavior is beyond disgusting. I’m so sorry that you had to go through that. James seems like a total creep.” – whisker-kitty
“That is the most sickening part of all of this. Adam is now disabled so they have no further use for him.”
“And this James person, good grief I could write a freaking novel about what a total creep and a**hole he is.” – thepurplehedgehog
Some also advised the OP to share what was going on with her husband.
“Wouldn’t surprise me that they start going for her husband to have him leave her using the same bs (bulls**t) excuses soon… if they haven’t already. Only too easy to do, considering he’s already struggling with his mental health.”
“NTA OP, but might be wise to give your husband the heads up on what’s going on. If you’re not telling him but they are, you keeping it from him could make it worse. Tell him you have zero intention of leaving, reassure him you love him and will stay, just he does need to know.” – Missykay88
“OP – I know you think you are protecting your husband by shielding him from all of this, but by keeping it a secret you are giving your family leverage to try and bully him out of your life in the interests of ‘protecting’ or ‘saving’ you from a lifetime of being dragged down by him.”
“He’s in a very vulnerable state right now and probably feels like he is doing more damage to you by staying than by leaving – don’t let them get in his ear first about this. You need to let him know what your family are trying to do and tell him yourself that you choose him.” – Fraerie
“If this story is true, one of them in the not-so-far-future will go directly to Adam without OP’s knowledge. They will tell him that he’s holding her back blah blah drama… so, their marriage is in real trouble with that family.” – rashhannani
Though the OP thought she may have been walking out at the party her family had planned, the subReddit was certain the OP had no reason to feel that way. Not only were they pushing a relationship on her, but they were potentially sabotaging her marriage.