When you marry someone you marry their whole family. Especially if your future partner has a child.
You should want to embrace their children and try hard to build a connection with them as well.
Redditor herbivorouscarnivore encountered this very issue with her friend. So she turned to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for moral judgment.
She asked:
“AITA for not trying harder to prevent my friend from getting married?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“A few years ago, my friend – let’s call her Nicole (30f) – got married.”
“She has two elementary school aged kids from a previous relationship. Her husband has one child in the same age group. Nicole’s kids live with her; her husband’s kid lived with his mom until recently.”
“Nicole has never liked her stepson.”
“In her own words, it’s because her kids are perfect and well behaved, and her stepson is not.”
“When she mentioned she was going to get married, a few of us in our friends group said it wasn’t a good idea. If you marry a parent, you have to plan for the stepchildren possibly living with you, and she clearly does not like her husband’s son.”
“She blew us off and said that would never happen.”
Nicole’s worse nightmare came true.
“Fast forward to now. For whatever reason, her stepson’s mom doesn’t want to parent him anymore.”
“Nicole and her husband fought because she said there is no way he can live with them. So her husband asked for a divorce.”
“She came to me for sympathy. I don’t know why.”
“Everyone in our group knows I have zero tolerance for stuff like this: my mom was abandoned by her parents, and she drilled into me that you never abandon your kids, or become involved with a parent unless you can accept their kids as your own.”
“I reminded Nicole that it was always a possibility for her stepson to live with them, and a good parent will choose their child’s well-being.”
“Now she’s mad at me because I should have tried harder to stop her from getting married, I’m not a good friend, etc.”
“AITA for not trying harder to dissuade her from getting married?”
Redditors gave their opinions on the situation by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Most Redditors agreed OP was not the a**hole.
“Whaaaaat? NTA, sounds like she just wants to blame someone else so she doesn’t have to take responsibility for her actions or own up to being a kind of crappy human being.”
“It sounds like you did tell her what you thought before she got married but she blew you off. What were you supposed to do, ambush her as she was walking down the aisle?” ~ design_dork
“That’s kind of what I was thinking. Does she think I should have kidnapped her, tied her up, and talked at her until she changed her mind? We’re all adults. I expressed my concerns once. I feel it was up to her to take it or leave it.” ~ herbivorouscarnivore
“It really sounds like she’s trying to deflect. I’m going to guess that she doesn’t own up to her mistakes often. Nothing is ever her (or her kids) fault probably. I’d be really interested in hearing what she thinks would have convinced her to not marry the guy….” ~ design_dork
“Just say, ‘You are a grown ass adult that makes their own decisions. We apprised you of concerns, what you did with that information was up to you.'” ~ bmoreskyandsea
“I mean, think of it this way: if you had expressed your concerns once, then popped on here and asked ‘WIBTA if I tried even harder to keep my friend from getting married?,’ no matter the method, it’d be a resounding ‘yes, you would be.'”
“She should’ve known better than to do it, especially since she was TOLD what could happen, but she chose to stick her fingers in her ears and hum until everyone shut up. Now she’s realizing she should’ve listened and it sounds like she wants to be mad at just about anyone except the only person she should be mad at- herself.” ~ Willowed-Wisp
Most argued that OP would’ve been called a “bad friend.”
“NTA.”
“If you had tried really hard to stop her, she would have resented you for ‘ruining her relationship’ and being a ‘bad friend.’ You can’t win with this person. I’d gently suggest that you end this friendship.” ~ Osolemia
“It looks like she blocked me on her social media, so I guess the friendship is over, or on its way to being so. Oh well.” ~ herbivorouscarnivore
“Good riddance. You don’t need such toxic ppl in your life. She’s an adult. She needs to take the responsibility of her mistakes.” ~ PerspectiveNo5207
“What an awful person your friend is. She wants her kids from a previous relationship to live with her but doesn’t want her husband’s kid to do the same.”
“Basically, she thought she found a sucker who was willing to put up with her kids, be there for them on a daily basis since they live together, be a step father on a daily basis and have it all without the inconvenience of dealing with her hubby’s kid.”
“She sounds massively selfish. She is such a toxic person if she feels that she can’t deal with hubby’s kid and do the Same thing for that kid that her husband is doing on a daily basis for her 2 kids. Thank god her husband is standing up for his child and kicking her to the curb. You do not benefit from the friendship of such a person at all.” ~ LifeAsksAITA
“NTA, I’m not the biggest fan of children but I can’t help but wonder what an elementary age child did/does to justify a you will never live with us ever. Isn’t that like 11 max?” ~ Consistent_Language9
“Yes, and I don’t think he’s in the double digits.”
“Everything she complains about sounds like typical kid stuff. He’s loud when he plays. He has ‘too much’ energy and can’t sit still.”
“Her children sit still for hours reading above grade level (according to her), so she thinks there’s something wrong with her stepson for not doing the same.” ~ herbivorouscarnivore
When you marry parents, their children become your family.