Marriage isn’t a necessity for more and more people in this progressive age.
Indeed, for many people, love and commitment are all that matter.
For others, however, the legal securities provided by a marriage are something of a necessity. So much so that if marriage is off the table, they may end their relationship, no matter how much they may love their partner.
Redditor Over-Supermarket4833 had been with their partner for over 20 years.
Even so, the couple still never made it to the altar.
Upon learning more about where he saw their relationship going, however, the original poster (OP) felt some drastic measures might be necessary.
Leading the OP to take to the subReddit “Am I THe A**hole Here (AITH).
While similar to the “Am I The A**Hole” (AITA) subReddit, AITAH allows Redditors to ask for advice on issues that are not permitted on AITA, such as asking for advice or posting about ending relationships. Nor are voting acronyms required or a final judgment declared.
The OP asked fellow Redditors:
“AITAH for thinking of leaving him after 20 years and 3 kids?”
The OP explained why she felt it might be necessary to pull the plug on her relationship:
“I ‘36 F[emale]’ and my fiancé ‘41M[ale]’ will make 20 years together this summer.”
“We both began dating very young and had our first child in 2007.”
“At this point in our lives, marriage was the last thing on our minds.”
“We had enough struggling being parents and financially in a very bad position, even living in his mother’s house.”
“Once we finally got our own apartment, we later had our second child in 2011 and our last kid in 2016.”
“I finally went to school and recently graduated as an RN.”
“Now we are finally in a position where marriage makes sense since we are finally financially stable with both combined incomes.”
‘I feel like before we always were in ‘hustle mentality-financially’ I brought this up to him recently on finally getting married, and he said at this point in our lives if we get married it will only ‘JINX’ us, and regardless, it’s just a piece of paper.”
“I can’t help but feel disappointed and also put the blame totally on me for allowing this in the first place.”
“I should never have allowed myself to play married with a person without ever getting married.”
“I don’t want a big wedding, but I just would like to hold the same last name as the rest of the family I created and to feel that my husband wants to still be with me after all these years.”
“He has no assets, and I’m the breadwinner in the relationship since graduating, so his thinking I’m going to stay with his things in case of a divorce is less beneficial for me and more beneficial for him if anything.”
“I can’t help but feel sometimes to move on while im still in my 30’s with my life and one day be with someone that will give me my fairytale of one day finally getting married.”
“Or shut up and deal with the bed I made for myself for not putting boundaries from the beginning !?”
“Please help Reddit.”
Fellow Redditors weighed in, with some using the AITA voting acronyms:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Just about everyone agreed that the OP would definitely be doing the right thing by leaving her partner, with many expressing that she probably should have done so long ago:
“OP, I think you and he have different reasons for not getting married in all these years.”
“Your story that you’ve been telling yourself for 20 years is you were too young and poor and busy for marriage.”
“Having a baby as a teenager, no money between you, living in his mother’s home, then in an apartment.”
“Having more babies.”
“Life was too busy, and you had to go back to school to become a nurse.”
“But his reasons for not getting married were not these reasons.”
“He never intended to marry you.”
“He took your youth and your work and your money, but never did you the courtesy of making you his bride.”
“He never will.”
“Not even now that he knows how much it means to you.”
“Truth is, he always knew, and he never cared.”
“You have to forgive yourself for being duped by him for so long.”
“Yes, leave him, and go live on your own.”
“Get to know yourself.”
“Set up your own home on your own salary.”
“You can do it better without him as a burden weighing you down.”- LakeGlen4287
“‘I ‘36F’ and my fiancé ‘41M’will make 20 years together this summer’.”
“Oh no.”- aeroeagleAC
“16.”
“I’d take my income and my sole breadwinner probably does most of the work and set myself and my kids up in our own place.”
“If you want to share a name, just change it legally ¯_(ツ)_/¯ but really what does he bring to the table besides audacity, and an appetite for more?”
“Nta time to pack.”- HuhWelliNever
“NTA.”
“You just said it yourself, ‘I can’t help but feel disappointed and also put the blame totally on me for allowing this in the first place’.”
“Stop allowing it, it will be tough, but 36!?”
“You have more than plenty of time, go find your husband!”- SilasSaun
“You’ve been together for half your life, he can’t possibly think a ceremony and party is going to ‘jinx’ that.”
“Besides everyone knows the marriage jinx is name tattoos and vow renewals.”
“Is the issue perhaps you’re both thinking maybe you settled down too early and wonder if you missed out on something better?”- LoveLolaHeart
“OP, what exactly does this man bring to the table?”
“Seriously?”
“We are all happy you pulled yourself up and achieved a meaningful career that allowed you to support you and your children.”
“What has he done to deserve marrying you at this point?”- ThePythiaofApollo
“Don’t marry him!”
“Take your income and go.”- TarzanKitty
“As to the ‘It’s just a piece of paper’, mentality: there is much to be said for being able to make important health care decisions for your partner.”
“If something drastic happened to either one of you; would he be comfortable with either set of parents making life or death decisions?”- robbiea1353
“NTA.”
“I would not have given the kids his name and I would not be financially supporting him either.”
“Unless he is pulling his weight by being a sahd who does all the childcare, cleaning and mental work for the family, but (and I could be wrong) something makes me think he is not contributing that much.” – Both-Enthusiasm708
“I am 80.”
“So my opinions are probably out of date.”
“But first, I am so happy that you finished your education.”
“Congratulations!”
“What an excellent example you are setting for your children.”
“Next, I wonder if in your State or province, you are already technically considered to be a common law couple.”
“You might look into your legal position.”
“Also, try to dig down into why you want an official marriage.”
“Is it for a beautiful celebration and formal exchange of vows, plus a great party?”
“Is it to feel more secure in your relationship?”
“Identify your motive.”
“Finally, and forgive me if my question seems intrusive, do you really want to spend the rest of your life with this man?”
“Because, he is already showing his loyalty.”
“It doesn’t sound, to me, that you are in danger of being dumped or cheated on.”
“I might suggest that you examine more deeply… what you want for the rest of your life.”
“Might even get a couple of sessions with a therapist, on your own.”
“For 20 years, you have been striving toward a goal of security.”
“Now that you have completed that challenge, perhaps you are searching for something to replace it.”
“You haven’t enjoyed many years of security, especially financially.”
“Your present frustration may simply be the resulting empty space in your life goals programme.”- boomermonty
“NTA.”
“He never intended to marry you.”
“Cut your losses while you’re still young.”- Tessie1966
“OP, your oldest is about to turn 19.”
“They were two years old when you were their age.”
“Please, go live and achieve without this man in your life.”
“NTA.”- Vegetable_Stuff1850
“You have every right to finally want to live a real life after living life for this person and your kids for the first half of yours.”- No-Examination-4850
“He’s 41 and presumably has been working for twenty years or more.”
“Why doesn’t he have any assets?”
“Why are you the breadwinner?”
“What does he do?”
“What does he bring to the table?”
“Is he the main caretaker of the children then?”
“Somehow I doubt that, but then the question remains.”
“Why do you want to marry him?”- One-Acanthisitta-210
It’s not unusual for a couple to wait to get married, even after moving in together and having children.
However, it seems that marriage was never something the OP’s partner was interested in, and the OP waited in vain.
If marriage is that important to her, it sadly seems she will need to find that with someone else.