Wedding guest lists have a tendency to unearth latent social dynamics.
Both members of the happy couple, when they sit down to decide who will and will not be present for the big day, are forced to come clean about they’re honest impressions of the people that make up the mixing social circles.
For one Redditor—OminousSodaCan, as she goes by on the site—a friend’s wedding shed some light on where she really stood in the eyes of the friend’s new fiancée. Long story short, she didn’t make the cut for their wedding and the reasoning didn’t feel fair.
When she felt stuck about how to respond, she reached out to the “Am I the A**hole (AITA)” subReddit for feedback.
She asked:
“AITA for thinking my [male] friend’s fiancée has no right to ban me from their wedding?”
Her post began with the dramatic backstory of her friendship with the groom-to-be.
“I went to post grad with my friend, we started when I was 22f and he was 25m. We were best friends and we were basically the ones that carried our friend group (3 girls 3 guys).”
“A few months after we met he told me he was in love with me. I didn’t see him that way, I told him that but we continued being friends nonetheless. He couldn’t really deal with that and our friendship took a hit.”
After that confession, the friendship was put on hold for awhile.
“As he was dealing with some serious mental issues I thought it’d be best if we don’t contact each other, kinda let ourselves navigate our emotions without relying on each other. Our friend group basically became non-existent.”
“Him & I stopped acknowledging each other. It sucked.”
But the distance seemed to be a healthy choice that ended well for her friend–and their friendship.
“Months later he moves on, falls in love with someone else and he seems happier. Like you can’t help but be happy for him, he’s doing so much better. We start making small conversation again and with time we regain our friendship.”
“(Except this time we do have boundaries, we don’t tell each other personal sh** like we used to, but we do check on each other and we talk regularly (since we have similar jobs and we ask for each other’s opinions usually)).”
“Our friend group reunites and we’re all glad we can be together again.”
Eventually, those boundaries appeared to pay off.
“We only hang out once every six weeks or so and it’s always all of us, it has never been just me and him. More months later he proposes to his gf (25) and everything is great.”
“All we’ve been talking about is how we’re excited to see one of us get married. The girls in the friend group are excited and we’re already trying to decide what to wear etc.. The point is, it is blatantly clear none of [us] would want to miss that wedding.”
But a sudden conversation with her friend’s fiancée proved very concerning.
“My friend’s fiancée suddenly contacts me and asks me not to come given our ‘history’ (there’s literally never been any history?) Not only does she want me not to show up, but she doesn’t want me to tell my friend that she told me not to come.”
She did not like the thought of him being left in the dark about her not attending the wedding.
“She just wants me to be the bi***y friend that skipped her friend’s wedding for no reason. She told me to just say I’m unable to come to avoid drama and to not tell the rest of the members in my friend group because she doesn’t want any of them to not come out of ‘support for me.'”
So she brought the issue to the helpful strangers of Reddit.
She asked how to navigate the entire situation and how to make sure the honest truth somehow got out.
“Now I know that it is her day, me attending when she clearly doesn’t want me to makes me the a**hole. But AITA for wanting her to take it up with her fiancée? Because he does want me to be there as far as I know.”
“I CAN not show up but I’ll have to tell him the real reason why, because frankly he knows none of us would miss his wedding.”
“So AITA for telling her it’s not fair for her to ask me not to come, and that the only reason I won’t be attending is if he tells me not to?”
Some Redditors took her side suggesting she explain everything to her friend.
They called the narrator “NTA,” for “Not the A**hole.”
“NTA. Contact your friend, explain that as his fiancee is so against you coming, you won’t be there, but assure him that it was not your choice.” — Imaginary_Marsupial
“NTA basically what she is doing is going behind your friends back. That’s not how a couple about to get married should function.” — citizensfund82
“NTA, this is something he should know she’s doing before marrying this woman. What else has she, or will she pull on him without his knowledge.” — mssheevaa
“NTA – it’s not ‘her’ day. It’s ‘their’ day. As a couple. 50/50”
“His future wife shouldn’t be going around his back on stuff like this, it’s not a good sign. Honesty is always the best policy!” — little_biscu1t
Others decided no one had done anything wrong.
They acknowledged that two difficult elements could both be true: it was her call to decide who comes to the wedding and honesty was important.
These responses often included the acronym “NAH,” for “No A**hole Here.”
“NAH. Your friend had feeling you didn’t share. He has made his fiancée aware of this and she feels threatened by this. Your platonic relationship with your friend clearly meant more to him than to you, so you aren’t in the best position to judge what is going on here.”
“Be honest with your friend, be understanding with the fiancée. You make yourself the a**hole if you do something which ruins their day or later damages their relationship.” — Smackroyd
“She’s well within her rights to not want you there. It’s her day but she’s going about it all wrong.”
“She should talk to her fiance and let him know she’s uncomfortable with it rather than doing underhanded things to make herself look nice.” — all-i-live-for
“I totally get her reasons though, there 100% is history in that he had feelings for you, just because you didn’t reciprocate doesn’t mean they weren’t real, even more so because he’s obviously told his fiance about it.”
“So you would be TA if you told her like that. But I think it’s fair for you to say it’s a shame because you really wanted to support your friend in this happy new chapter of his life with her, and that you don’t feel comfortable not telling him the real reason.”
“He’s obviously never going to ask you not to come so I think you need to respect her feelings as well as his but it’s fair enough you want to be honest.” — lucia50457
A handful of Redditors took the fiancée’s side.
They stated simply that the history of the friendship was just too much to realistically have her at the wedding.
“YTA,” short for “Your the A**hole,” was common in these responses.
“YTA, weddings aren’t the time to deal with strife between you and the groom (who did absolutely have feelings for you, so much so that y’all couldn’t even keep being friends).”
“I get that you want to support him, but honestly, I wouldn’t want someone at mine and my fiancé’s wedding whim he had feelings for either.” — Breh069
“He told you he was in love with you and you told him you don’t feel the same, and went no contact for months. Which is fine, but that is having a bit of history. He must have told her, and undoubtedly she knows he was hurt by it.”
“I’m not saying that you did anything wrong, but this is the bride telling you that you’re not welcome, not some mutual friend that you don’t get along with. Just wish him well and stay home.” — secondhandbananas
“YTA. Dude was IN LOVE with you. Doesn’t matter that it was unrequited and nothing happened. I don’t blame her for not wanting the person her fiancé was IN LOVE with at her wedding.”
“Plus it’s your friend’s AND HER wedding. Both have the right to decide who they want present. She doesn’t want the woman her fiancé was in love with there. Yes it would be better if she discussed this with him, but again, absolutely understandable.” — KayakerMel