In the U.S., married couples handle their financial situations accordingly, as no one blanket rule works for everyone.
But things can be different for people living in developing nations like it has for this expectant woman’s husband.
Their agreement on money spending no longer worked for him when recent events involving her siblings became an issue.
When he confronted her on the issue, his wife responded in a way that led her to visit the Am I the A**hole (AITA) subReddit to seek judgment.
The anonymous Redditor asked:
“AITA for telling my SO that they are not entitled to my paychecks?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“I (25 F[female]) have been married to my SO (29 M[ale]) for 2 years.Currently 8 [months] pregnant.”
“I work in IT whereas my SO [significant other] work in pharmacy. We both earn decent amount to sustain ourselves.”
“After our marriage we have been living with my in-laws. For context we both have 1 sister and 1 brother. His both siblings decided to settle abroad so we financially help them.”
“I gave my entire paychecks to his family so that I could financially support them. Because of this, we have zero savings in our name.”
A further development changed things.
“Now both of my siblings have decided to stay in the country and pursue further education. I informed my husband that I will be using small amount (40%)of my payment to help my brother and sister out with their tution fees.”
“I also informed that he is not obligated to use his paychecks to help my siblings and he is free to do whatever he wants to do with his money.”
“He suddenly became defensive, saying that how will he manage the expense and I should not help my siblings financially.”
“I calmly told him that I helped his siblings when they needed help so I should be able to help my siblings when they need help and again that he is not obligated to spend a single penny on them.”
“He called me and AHOLE for making him and his family feel that by helping them out, I did a favor on them and by saying that he is not entitled to my paychecks.”
“AITA?”
In edit, the OP explained:
“Let me make it clear: his siblings moved abroad last year. When I supported them financially and we had no Savings.”
“Starting this year, from January, I started adding a small amount in our joint account for our baby, which added up to 60k to date.”
“Today, I checked that account statement, and it had zero balance. When asked, he said he gave my savings to his father. Please keep in mind he did not contribute a single penny in that saving amount.”
Anonymous strangers weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH – No A**holes Here
Many Redditors thought the OP was not the a**hole (NTA) here.
“Your husband stole $60,000 you saved and gave it to his father???????!?”
“NTA.”
“The fact that he stole any amount of money and gave it to his family means your child will ALWAYS come second to his family. Open new accounts that he can NOT access and protect the money you earn for your child.” – Open-Incident-3601
“Bruh I don’t know if you know this, but you’re really not in a good situation. If you can afford to give your entire paycheck to look after your in laws, I’m sure you can find a place to live away from them no?”
“This whole situation is suspect. Your husband stole your money, you’re working to sustain someone else’s kids, your husband is refusing to let you assist your own family.”
“Are you aware that you’re being financially abused ?”
“Since when did you have to buy a prescription and pay someone and their family so that you can be married and have kids with them ?”
“Do you sign a contract? How long will the term last ? How much do you owe them for buying their son?”
“On a serious note, though. The vertebrae of my spine is itching at thinking of what it must be like being in your situation. No man.” – Apprehensive_Pie4940
“Makes a lot of sense’ considering where OP is from. In many Asian countries, it’s still an unwritten rule to give all your salary to your husband.”
“It’s like the husband and his family are entitled to the wife’s entire income, while the wife might need to beg for her own money from her partner if she wants to help her family. It’s like they see the wife’s income as the extension of the dowry.”
“It hurts to see so many women working hard and yet having to beg their husbands for money. Mind you, this is for some emergency situations like helping your family from some serious thing, you can’t even dream of getting something for your own, like an outifit/an ornament /even a chocolate bar despite earning on your own.”
“It’s like, you have a job of your own, yet you can’t be independent. Of course this scenario is changing a lot in certain places, especially cities, but for most, this is still the case.” – summercloudsadness
“The crazy thing to me is that OP’s husband seems to have convinced her he saw it as her money at first, but only because she was giving all of it to his family, but as soon as she disagreed with how to use it, his true colors came out.” – No-Contribution-7797
“I struggle with Reddit here because there can be such a vastly different cultural lens that people consider normal. If OP were in the US, I would absolutely call this financial abuse, extremely odd generally, and wonder what has happened to her that she doesn’t see how insanely wrong this is on so many levels.”
“But even though I would not want to live like this, I have no basis to understand what OP would think is fair here. Do you resent giving money to family? Is there an amount you’re comfortable with?”
“Is it not expected that you should build your own savings? Is it taboo to talk to your husband about finances? Did you get to know him well before marriage and agree to these expectations?”
“An American (and I’m sure many other cultures) would likely tell you to run away right now and raise your baby without these people because they are abusing you and treating you like a slave. But I don’t think we have any understanding of what parts of this situation are acceptable/normal to you.” – isawsparks27
“He stole that money, and he expects you to give up your paychecks to support his grown adult siblings and father. That’s ridiculous.”
“Stop helping. You need to open up your own bank account.” – CODE_NAME_DUCKY
“Simran behen – rupees ho ya dollar – please realize that you are married to thief and misogynist jerk. Not only does he think that you are entitled to help.his family but also he does even let you help your own family with your own money.”
“Ask your in laws to give you the money back. Open a new account only in your name, and do not contribute even a penny going forward. Let them pay you back for everything that you spent on them and everything they stole from you.” – GoodIntelligent2867
“I don’t give a damn if it was in alien money, he took money from YOUR BABY to help his dad. His family needs way too much help. And you clearly need to get separate accounts from him since he thinks you should prioritize his needy family over yours.”
“NTA and say it LOUDLY to him that you DID do his family a favor and he DOESNT have access to your hard earned money.” – Mandiezie1
“As a fellow Desi woman, I can understand what you may be going through, however as a person I can tell you that there is no solution to this problem without breaking the social conditioning done to young women/men.”
“It is this conditioning that makes your husband believe that he needs to support his side of the family at the expense of his ‘new’ family, which is you and your baby, that he is entitled to your hard-earned money and can make unilateral decisions about how to use it or take it out of the account, knowing that you would disagree.”
“If you think carefully he considers you and anything you earn/own as his property. He doesn’t consider you to be a person, who has her own life and has the right to make decisions for herself. Know that you CANNOT change his thinking by just talking to him, especially if he doesn’t think that what he did was wrong.
“You are also conditioned to ignore all these red flags – what your husband and family are doing is considered financial abuse, which is masked as ‘duty’/‘responsibility’ in our desi society.”
“You helped his siblings because that’s what we have been taught. We are taught to give, give, give, sacrifice our savings, future, and life in the name of ‘duty’—all of this is just BS. Unlearn.”
“There is nothing wrong in helping family, but family should never ask/expect to sacrifice our life or our kids future for them. Find what you can afford to give to your family / in-laws and stick to that number, and save the rest for emergencies and your kids future.” – Homosapien2706
The majority of Redditors believed the OP was NTA and that the husband and his family were unfairly taking advantage of his wife’s money.
It appears many of the comments made an influence on the OP to make some changes.
In an update, she wrote:
“Thank you for making me realize that I have been a doormat to everyone in my life. I have opened a separate savings account and all my paychecks will be directed towards it.”
“I have also confronted my husband about my 60k savings, and according to him, he did the wrong thing by giving my money to his father without any discussion, and he is expected to give me that money within a week.”
“I also had a long discussion with him that he needs to match up with me regarding savings for OUR baby and he needs to set boundaries with his family.”
“Once again, thank you for your kind support. I will also learn to say NO to people.”