Even though parents are encouraged not to have a "favorite child," children do not necessarily have the same filter about their preferences.
In fact, it's normal for kids to gravitate to a default parent, reasoned the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor Alexandertheking loved spending time with his kids and was aware that he was spending more time with them than his wife because he got up and went to bed at the same time as the kids.
When his wife complained about the kids preferring him, the Original Poster (OP) pointed out how she wasn't spending as much time with the kids as he was.
He asked the sub:
"AITAH for bluntly explaining to my wife why our kids like me more than her?"
The OP's wife had started to complain about not being the favorite parent in the household.
"My wife and I own our own business, so we work the same job with the same hours."
"My wife has been complaining recently that our kids always seem to prefer spending time with me over her."
"They never go to her for anything they need. It's always me."
The OP thought the answer was obvious.
"I just answered that it's because I spend more time with them than she does."
"She stated that I don't, so I broke it down for her just point blank."
"Both kids are young and need parental supervision for everything."
"They wake between 5:30 AM and 6:00 AM every day. I am the one who gets up with them every single morning. My wife gets up at 7:30 AM on weekdays and at about 9:00 AM on weekends."
"Low end, that's 13.5 hours I spend more with them."
"I also do bedtime for both kids. That takes about one hour each night for baths and stories, etc."
"That's another seven hours per week."
The OP also did more of the out-of-the-house activities.
"My wife also says she gets stressed out or touched out a lot, so I often take the kids with me to the supermarket or to the park or something to let her have a long bath in peace or an afternoon nap."
"There's probably around three and a half more hours a week if we also add in that I'm the one who also takes kids to all extracurriculars and picks them up."
"She does love the kids. I think I just enabled her too much to have an easier life."
"What parent would say no to more sleep and some independent time? It started as something I did for her to have some chill-out time and has just spiraled."
"She does not ever have the kids on her own. The longest she does is the time it takes me to have a shower and get dressed each morning."
The OP's wife did not appreciate his feedback.
"So I just broke it down plainly like above. I effectively spend a full actual day more a week with them."
"I didn't say it in any kind of a moaning way or anything like that, and I don't think I was demeaning toward her. I do actually really enjoy spending time with them, so I'm quite happy with the arrangement."
"I just feel that she can't complain that the kids don't want to spend time with her when she spends proportionally so much less of her time with them."
"Am I the a**hole for pointing this out?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some reassured the OP that those little moments added up over time.
"My dad used to be the one to do breakfast in the mornings, tell us stories at night, help us with homework, drop off/pick up from ballet lessons. He'd take us all on individual days out where he really gave us personal time. He'd randomly just take me to art galleries or museums."
"He once, when I was probably six or seven, and we were visiting the UK because we were living abroad, took me for a surprise day in London to go see absolutely everything to do with the great fire of London and Samuel Pepys (I was very interested in it). He knew all my interests and encouraged them so much."
"This would be unheard of with my mum. We have nothing to talk about even today. I don't think she really knows me. I actually can't think of many childhood memories I have with her."
"They had a messy breakup. My mum is very cold with me but my dad was super emotional and was my best friend (he passed away in 2015). My mum has never been able to grasp how close I was to my dad and why I love him more than anybody, and it angers her, and she really resents me, and she lets me know that."
"She tries to list the more practical reasons as to why she's 'better' than him, but all kids ever want/need/care about is their parents' time. It's so simple." - Serious-Ad9032
"One-on-one time is so important. My mom, without a doubt, spent more time with me as a kid. She was a stay-at-home mom. My dad worked hard and was often out of town. But he was always there for important stuff."
"He took me and my brother out to do stuff and he'd take us individually to hang out. He always made time for us."
"I undoubtedly spent more hours with my mom altogether. But I'm way closer with my dad because the time we spent together was out of want and love whereas with my mom, it was because she had to be there. She never did anything with us 'just because.'"
"The quality of the time is far more important than the quantity. And kids aren't as stupid as people assume. They can usually tell when you don't really care about them. So I'm not shocked OP's kids aren't close with their mom." - FaintestGem
"My parents have been divorced since I was 18 months old; my dad had me on weekends, and my mom had me on weekdays. In my world, mom was always working and taking care of my half-siblings. She tried to get one-on-one time where she could, but it was difficult when she worked every day she had me."
"My dad was off on the weekends and we spent a lot of quality time together. He taught me how to read, how to garden, we cooked and baked together, we had a restaurant we'd go to every Saturday morning, we'd go to museums and on hikes (I hated exercise, but he always stressed the importance)."
"If you were to ask me who my favorite parent was, it was dad because I was the center of my dad's world when I saw him." - This_is_fine8
"I know someone who is a doctor and during the height of the pandemic her son, still an infant, would sometimes not see her for one to two (even three) days at a time. Yet, she maintained breastfeeding, would duck home on breaks if she could, and sacrificed catching up on sleep to spend her days off with him instead of taking him to daycare."
"She is an active person so that meant going to the park, taking a bike ride, spending time in the garden, stuff that was a special thing to do with mom."
"As a result, kiddo is extremely bonded to her and goes to her just as much as he goes to his dad, who, at times, was admittedly more of a single parent. The timing of his birth was unfortunate because of the pandemic but they had tried so long for kids…"
"Luckily she has more time now, but she found a way when he was little to dedicate one-on-one no matter how hard it was." - aigret
"Until I was about 12, I was a real sticky momma's boy. She was just my parent, and my dad, for all the providing he did and for all the things we did do together (so I hesitate to call him uninvolved by any stretch) but he just wasn't nearly as present in my life as a young pup."
"At about 12, though, I started to become a lot more independent. I lived close enough to walk to school, and I sometimes woke up earlier than my mom and little sister, but not my dad. We had breakfast just the two of us pretty much every morning. And I can't even recall any meaningful outcome of that other than it was just pleasant."
"This then continued when I got to high school and me and dad were up and out of the house before mom and sister even got out of bed. Again, no deep father/son talks, no bonding over anything. Just time spent in each other's company."
"I think there's something to be said for the fact that he wasn't my main parent as a little kid. He seemed to have a much easier time getting on board with adolescence and treating me (increasingly) like a grown-up than my mom did, who it honestly took until I was closer to 28 than 18 to really get on board with having an adult child. That made those mornings a little more special, just hanging out not being parented every minute of the day."
"I guess the picture I'm trying to paint is one where neither parent was absent in my life despite one being around a lot more, especially as a youth. And the point I'm trying to build to is that maybe look forward to when they're a little bit older, and you can have that morning time before school/work." - thefalseidol
Others applauded the OP for keeping the conversation neutral and hoped his wife would step up.
"The thing is, is she so bothered that she's actually going to do anything about it, or is her 'me time' and her hours of extra sleep more important?" - idkwhyimdoingthis2
"To be fair, that sort of thing can sneak up on you. I was a pretty checked-out parent for much of my daughter's first year. It was just because I was so tired all the time, but I had to have some real raw, honest talks with my wife before I understood how that was affecting her. But once I did understand, I took steps to make positive change."
"Now that wife can no longer plead ignorance, the ball is in her court to either make a change or double down on how she's been doing things." - LorkhanLives
"OP's wife doesn't really seem to enjoy spending time with the kids, which they definitely will pick up on if they haven't already. There's a big difference between a parent working and a parent who just doesn't want them near her." - Mrsbear19
"NTA. You were honest with her. She probably just was hoping you would lie and say, 'the KiDs Don'T preFeR ME tO yOu,' and stroke her ego."
"I actually had family in a similar situation to yours. When I grew up my mom was the one who we spent more time with and if we got hurt we would cry and want our mom. My cousins spent more time with their dad and he did the parenting."
"Like, when both parents got home from work, dad would take care of the kids, start dinner, etc., and mom would play games on the computer or grab a bag of chips and watch TV. So when the kids would get hurt, they would want their dad or cry for their dad. For instance, if we wanted to go do something and I would go ask my mom out of habit, they would go ask their dad out of habit."
"The kids prefer you because that's what they know and it's a direct result of the amount of time your wife spends with her kids." - TTIsurvivors
"This is a common occurrence, one parent complaining about not being the favorite, but it's just usually with reversed genders. I may be a little harsh here because I do not have children. But by telling your wife this you are empowering her to change the situation."
"Therefore I think by plainly setting it out you are making her face reality. I didn't have children in part because I was sure it would overwhelm me. However, I did childcare quite a bit and this is just how it works. It's not just about quantity of time, either."
"The person who performs the children's routines (predictable and familiar) with them regularly is the person children go to in need. Parents can make it even enough that no parent is really preferred."
"So, if she doesn't like it, she has to work to change the situation."
"NTA." - Raisins_Rock
After receiving feedback, the OP gave an update.
"My 18-month-old woke at 5:30 AM this morning. It's now 7:30 AM, and she's still in bed, so clearly our conversation had no impact."
"I don't really care or have any desire to change things because I quite like how they are so I don't plan to push it."
The subReddit applauded the OP for doing the math and for being honest with his wife, which would empower her to make a change or not, depending on what she truly wanted.
Not getting enough time with our loved ones can really sneak up on us, but if it matters to us, it's something we can absolutely work on.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp