Boundaries are a necessity in relationships to avoid confrontation, anger and upset.
People who refuse to honor other people's boundaries are either addicted to the chaos they create or just inconsiderate of others.
If a person disagrees with or dislikes another person's boundaries, they can discuss it, but ultimately everyone is entitled to their own boundaries. Don't like them? A person can always end a relationship or limit contact.
But plowing over or ignoring other people's boundaries is a definite a**hole move.
A woman whose in-laws run roughshod over her and her husband turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for feedback.
Glittering_Way4037 asked:
"AITA for leaving without explanation after my mother-in-law (MIL) pretended not to hear me?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"I (32, female) have a 7-month-old daughter with my husband (34, male).
"My country does ensure a long maternity leave for up to 2 years, however I am self employed and cannot afford to lose my clients so I try to work while my daughter is sleeping and during the weekends."
"Lately she's been teething so I'm operating on little to no sleep."
"I have an issue with my MIL. She does what she wants despite people asking her not to and then says 'oops' or denies doing it."
"She does this to everyone more or less. She's the kind of person who touches stuff at a museum and attempts to feed wild birds despite signs advising otherwise."
"My husband does have a sister, but she's lived abroad for ~15 years and I've only seen her twice. They are not close and she only calls her parents on Christmas and birthdays as far as I know—or at least that's what MIL says."
"As for FIL, he's not reasonable. He's a typical older man who demands respect everywhere he goes and is upset when he sees a person with an unusual hair colour."
"Anyway, things like that. It was annoying before the baby, but after she was born it has become insufferable."
"Husband talked to her and set boundaries, so she stopped doing that when my husband is present, but she was still doing it when it's only me in the room. So we agreed she cannot visit when husband is not at home and husband is not to leave me alone with her."
"Because of these boundaries, we did not see them for 1.5 months."
"They live 2 hours away and we did not find a mutually good time. They finally came over last Sunday."
"20 minutes into the visit my father-in-law (FIL) wants to see a lawnmower that has broken down, so my husband goes into the backyard with him, leaving me, the baby and MIL inside."
"She's drinking coffee and eating cake. She sits next to my daughter on her playmat and tries to feed her some of her cake."
"I immediately told her 'no, she can't have that'. MIL pretends not to hear me and proceeds putting her spoon to my daughter's closed mouth."
"I can assure you her hearing is just fine."
"She has no trouble 'accidentally' overhearing me and my husband very quietly talking behind closed doors."
"I repeat 'stop doing that, she can't have cake yet and definitely not from your spoon'. Still she pretends not to hear me."
"I also think this was deliberate. Not the cake feeding part because this was expected of her, she told me to give my daughter water and tea at 3 weeks, so I'm not surprised honestly."
"But the pretending not to hear me part was definitely intentional and probably some kind of a power play."
"I repeat it again, still nothing and now there's cake on my baby's face and she's fussing. So I grab my daughter and go to my husband and FIL, subtly gesturing him to come back inside."
"After about 5 minutes MIL decided to go outside too and was approaching me and the baby. I gestured to my husband again and he made an annoyed face."
"Had I interrupted FIL's monologue, my husband would be 10 times more pissed with me. I did what I could to avoid open confrontation with his parents because he can't handle it."
"This is the exact reason why we agreed he is to be in the same room at all times when MIL is visiting. If he's not, she tries to pull something like this and he finds it easier to just always be there rather than address the issue again and stick with the boundaries that were communicated."
"I had no energy to deal with any of this so I stood up, went inside, grabbed baby bag and car keys and went to the car without saying a word. MIL asked me where I was going and I ignored her."
"I drove to my sister's, which is about a 15 minute drive. There were some missed calls from my husband, so I texted him where we were and that we'll be back in the evening."
"Had I stayed, I would have probably slapped MIL because I simply do not have the energy to deal with her sh*t anymore."
"Had I stayed at home and locked myself in the bedroom until husband finished talking to FIL, she would come banging at the door. So I just went where I knew I would feel comfortable."
"I texted him where I was and when we're coming back 15 minutes after I left."
"It was time for my daughter's nap and she fell asleep breastfeeding so my sister told me to go sleep too. After she woke up and had her milk my sister took her and told me to go back to sleep."
"I slept ~3hrs in total. My phone was on silent, so my husband's calls were ignored and apparently his parents left disappointed and MIL cried."
"Even if my phone was on silent later on when I was sleeping, he knew how to get a hold of me. He has my sister's, her husband's and even their oldest kid's numbers."
"My husband is furious I did this. We're still fighting about it."
"He can't believe I was so rude and took the baby away when his parents came to see her after such a long time. He's angry I couldn't have waited a few minutes so that he could finish talking about the lawnmower."
"He doesn't even care about that lawnmower, he's not interested in fixing things at all. But his dad is and he just couldn't say no or interrupt him to handle the MIL situation."
"Parents can't be rude to their children, not in the in laws world anyway. He agrees her behaviour is unacceptable, but somehow in his mind it's expected and 'just how things are'."
"After I let him know we were not coming back until the evening, his mother started to cry because she 'missed the baby so much and I took her away after they drove all this way'. His dad then yelled at him, that's why he kept calling me."
"He knew where I was and could have called my sister if he really needed to get hold of me. Him not doing that indicates it was either not important enough or, more likely, he was ashamed of not being able to handle MIL again and did not want to talk to my sister."
"After they realised I was serious and not coming back, his dad scolded him for failing to be 'the head of the household' and soon after that they left. That's what he told me but I'm sure there was more."
"What he really does not like is that me leaving escalated the situation and now he'll have to handle it instead of keeping on pretending everything is fine."
"He knew damn well what was going on. This was not the first or the second time his mother was doing stuff like that."
"He didn't know the details of the incident, but he 100% knew what was going on when I indicated he needed to come back inside."
"I told him I'm too exhausted to deal with this sh*t. He left me alone with MIL despite our agreement (be it only 10 minutes) so I left."
"She can come but I won't be there, that's what I told him. And neither will our daughter because I can't trust MIL not to feed her crap."
"Next time she could try to give her a sip of wine for all I know, after all she admitted to rubbing whiskey on her children's gums to alleviate teething pain and thought it would be relevant to mention this suggestion because my baby is teething."
"Husband kind of agrees with all this and seems to understand where I'm coming from, but keeps saying I can't just leave when they come because 'rude'. It's infuriating really."
"I know how it's going to be. He's going to choose my side and then play the victim each time I'm not OK with his parents stomping on our boundaries."
"All because he finds it so hard to say 'no' to them because 'impolite' and 'disrespectful'. Even though he fully agrees with me and has been complaining about his parents' behaviour for YEARS."
"He does agree with me, that's the most annoying part. He just can't say no to his parents and is pissed that telling his mother about the boundary once was not enough."
"I did what I could to avoid confrontation because I know how hard it is for him. I went up to him and let him know I needed him to come back in without describing the situation in front of FIL."
"But he just could not tell FIL to stop talking about the lawnmower and chose to politely stand there until FIL gets bored of the topic and do nothing about the MIL situation."
"I could have caused a scene with MIL and put her in her place myself but it shouldn't be my job. And i surely don't want to waste the little energy I have on this."
"It's so frustrating."
"AITA?"
The OP summed up their situation.
"I left without saying anything after my MIL pretended not to hear me and husband did not come for rescue."
"Husband is saying I'm an a**hole for not waiting longer."
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors unanimously declared the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
"NTA. Your MIL should respect your boundaries and especially when it's about YOUR baby. And your husband should have your back on that."
"I do understand that it must be uncomfortable and hurt him, seeing his mother cry and be upset, but then he should talk to her about it instead of making you the bad person."
"The only thing I think you did 'wrong' was that you didn't pick your daughter up after the first time you said it and MIL didn't listen. Maybe that would have made things go more smooth, but then again it shouldn't really be necessary."
"I do think that it is important that you stand up for your boundaries, and your husband should support you on that." ~ ano93g
"This needs to be the new standard. If you don't listen to the baby's mother about what is best for the baby you immediately lose access to the baby. That is how it is going to be, and will be the ONLY way that she might listen."
"When you are a parent, you need to learn to enforce consequences. This is a great place to start." ~ Music_withRocks_In
"This kind of behaviour worries me because what if the baby is allergic to something? You absolutely cannot trust MIL around that baby unsupervised for even a second." ~ Divyaxoath
"Plus MIL has the nerve to cry and act all upset when she is in the wrong. Feeding cake to a 7-month-old even after the mother repeatedly said not to."
"OP did not yell, scream or argue , rather she chose a dignified exit with her baby when she realised her wishes were ignored. NTA." ~ Sweet-Fancy-Moses23
"NTA. MIL can't go 10 minutes without trying to pull something? That's not your fault or problem." ~ Ok-Interview-7328
"That's what got me. They were literally alone for 10 mins. MIL IMMEDIATELY found some sh*t to get into. NTA."
"Even I know a young baby shouldn't have something flaky and dry like cake. Jesus Christ, I usually end up choking on cake!"
"And no matter what, you ALWAYS ask the parent before you feed a kid anything."
"This MIL actively and deliberately f*cks with her family. I try to be a positive person, but I also wish a lot less people like her existed." ~ unled_horse
The OP may not have the full support of her husband in standing up to her in-laws, but Reddit was definitely on her side.
The boundaries were set. OP isn't at fault for maintaining them.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp