The state of one’s relationship with their family could have surprising effects on their relationships with others.
Specifically, their in-laws or soon-to-be in-laws.
Those on bad terms with their family might find themselves hating the idea of family in general and make no effort to become close with their in-laws.
While others with strained familial relationships feel just the opposite, and treat their in-laws as the family they never had, or the family they always wished they had.
The soon-to-be daughter-in-law (DIL) of Redditor Elegant_Throat_8297 was certainly in the latter category, making every effort to become as close with the original poster (OP) as possible.
Unfortunately, the OP found herself having more and more trouble warming to her future DIL.
As a result, when her future DIL made a rather sizable request of the OP for her upcoming wedding, the OP flatly refused.
Greatly upsetting her future DIL, and infuriating her son.
Wondering if she was wrong for doing so, the OP took to the subReddit “Am I The A**hole” (AITA), where she asked fellow Redditors:
“AITA for refusing to make a cookie table for my sons wedding?”
The OP explained why a request her future DIL made regarding her wedding simply sent her over the edge:
“My son is marrying Wendy and the wedding is this summer.”
“She is not close to her own mother for multiple reason and is pushing hard to have me fill in the gap.”
“I am not comfortable with it at all especially with how hard she is pushing.”
“She has multiple times overstepped boundaries such as inviting herself along, discussing very personal issues, very touchy etc.”
“Due to these issues we are not close and my own daughters are not a huge fan of her.”
“She asked me this week if I would make the cookie table for the wedding.”
“It is something the bride’s own mother would do with other female relatives.”
“This is the first time hearing about this tradition and I did some research.”
“I would have to make over a thousand cookies from scratch to feed the wedding guests.”
“I asked my daughters if they wanted to do it, and it was a strong no.”
“I informed her that I can not do it, it is way to much work and I don’t have the time.”
“She told me okay, and I thought that was it.”
“My son called me up and told me I am a huge jerk.”
“That Wendy has been crying about it, and I should step up.”
“I am still refusing to do it.”
“AITA?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
While just about everyone agreed the OP was not the a**hole for refusing to bake cookies for Wendy’s cookie table, not everyone fully sympathized with the OP.
Many agreed that Wendy’s request was absurd, and the OP had every right to refuse.
“NTA.”
“Over 1,000 cookies?!”- marilynmansonf*ckme
“This is a local to western PA tradition only.”
“My nephew got married there last year, and my mom volunteered to do it, and she crushed it as a 76 yo, but it took her 3 weeks, and several hundred dollars in baking ingredients, and another couple hundred in pans, because she was baking in my SIL’s kitchen.”
“She did it because no one on the Bride family was capable of doing it, and my SIL doesn’t bake.”
“The tradition is, as stated elsewhere about large groups of women coming together to accomplish the task.”
“Asking one person to do it happens, but unless you’re a wealthy person who has been baking industrial amounts of cookies for 6 decades, it’s a huge ask.”
“So, OP, NTA, and your son and his bride need to understand that the cookies table is something nobody outside of western PA does, and it’s fine to not have one.”
“Now the bride is probably more upset because it indicates that she doesn’t have support from her family, and that’s a reason to be upset, but you can’t make it about the cookies.”
“It’s not the cookies. It’s what they represent.”- Sad_Construction_668
A few others agreed the OP wasn’t the a**hole for refusing to bake the cookies but questioned if she was making any effort to have a healthy relationship with Wendy.
“NTA for refusing such a large ask, BUT you seem to be happy to stick in the ‘I don’t like her’ camp.”
“Which is only going to bite you in the a**.”
“This isn’t about the cookies.”- Spare-Article-396
While some felt that the OP was clearly the a**hole, feeling that she was treating Wendy terribly knowing that she didn’t have any familial support of her own, and agreeing there was a solution to help her with the cookie table that didn’t involve her baking all of them herself,
“There seems to be a huge empathy gap here from you towards your future DIL.”
“It sounds like she has little to no family support.”
“She’s likely hoping to be close to her in-laws.”
“It may also mean that her eagerness is causing her to display poor social skills.”
“It also sounds like you and your daughters are only seeing that as an imposition to you, and not offering any grace.”
“You may reflect on what you’ve done to establish better boundaries with your DIL and to acknowledge her own experiences.”
“Because from the tone of your writing, it sounds like you’ve decided she’s annoying, and you and your daughters are mean-girling the hell out of someone who wants to be close to you without having adult conversations about boundaries.”
“You seem to be judging her for having a poor relationship with her family.”
“That’s an odd choice.”
“Sometimes, in-laws step up in times like these to bridge the gap for traditions that their future family members desire because their own family is not safe or supportive.”
“They may do it to support their family member, in this case, your son, rather than the in-law.”
“You can certainly choose not to do that.”
“But the relationship with your future DIL and your son is likely to be affected by the result.”
“How embarrassing it must be for her to have a valued tradition like the cookie table and no personal family to take up the task.”
“How mortifying to have to ask future family members and then be told no.”
“I think you’re maybe TA in general based on how you write about this young woman who seems to have had a rough go, family-wise.”- Remarkable_Island_61
While some didn’t think anyone in this situation was the a**hole, agreeing that the OP had every right to say no to baking the cookies, but also felt that Wendy’s request was a regional wedding tradition that wasn’t so out of the ordinary.
“NAH, In this case it’s a lack of translation of this regional practice — to Wendy it’s really important and special and meaningful.”
“To you and your daughters, it’s a random thing you’ve never heard of that just sounds like work.”
“So naturally, she’s really hurt, but to you, it seems like a silly thing and way too much to ask because the tradition holds no meaning to you.”
“I suggest having a conversation with her and your son to talk about this, to come to a place of mutually understanding each other’s perspectives.”
“Maybe there’s something else you can do for her during the wedding that feels more doable for you and helps her feel appreciated and accepted by her soon-to-be husband’s family.”
“Think carefully about how you want to handle this.”
“This one thing with their wedding could create a lifelong rift in your relationship to her and subsequently your son.”
“If they have kids one day, you could lose out on your relationship to your grandchildren.”
“Your DIL wants to be closer to you and involve you.”
“If you trample on that now, during such a pivotal moment, you might lose that offer forever.”
“Think about the bigger picture.”- anbaric26
“NAH because you’re allowed to refuse the request.”
“But to me, you sound a little cold (And borderline a hole).”
“She doesn’t sound like a bad person, maybe just someone looking for acceptance and someone more touchy feely than you are.”
“She’s about to be your daughter-in-law.”
“Couldn’t you offer something?”
“Like purchasing some cookies from the grocery store or making a couple of batches of cookies, and she could ask others to make more, as sort of a goodwill, welcome to the family gesture?”
“The cookie table is popular in Pittsburgh, and it is kind of an honor in a way, and traditional for lots of relatives to help out and contribute.”
“So I’m not going to call her an A’hole for asking.”
“And I can understand why your son was upset that you basically said, ‘nope’.”
“‘Don’t like you’.”
“‘Not going to do it’.”
“‘Buh bye’.”- TravelingBride2024
Those who grew up in the Pittsburgh region know that a massive cookie table is somewhat common at weddings.
That being said, it’s safe to say that expecting one person to bake over one thousand cookies is not a normal request.
Even so, it’s hard not to disagree that the OP’s anger might not entirely be about the cookies, and she was letting her own personal feelings toward Wendy get in the way.
Something she might want to work out, if she wants to maintain a good relationship with her son.