The cycle of families is that parents provide care for their children, but then when children become adults, they end up caring for their parents.
Some parents require more care than others, the older they get.
Sometimes, more care than their children can provide themselves, resulting in alternative solutions being called for.
The father of Redditor throwaway27822992 found himself in a position where he could no longer live on his own.
While the original poster (OP)’s father was hoping he would move in with her, the OP instead chose to place him in a nursing home.
For a multitude of reasons.
Concerned she may have been selfish for doing so, the OP took to the subReddit “Am I The A**Hole” (AITA), where she asked fellow Redditors:
“AITA for deciding to put my father in a nursing home?”
The OP explained why they chose to place her father in a nursing home:
“I (24 F[emale) have a father, (67 M[ale]) who has declining health and now needs 24/7 care, which is why I put him in a nursing home.”
“For some background growing up I had 2 other siblings and my father would rank us in terms of who he loved most and who he loved least.”
“And I was the one he loved least.”
“He would also belittle me and call me ugly, bratty, and unlovable.”
“He would ignore me whenever I spoke and would take my siblings on father-son and father-daughter trips every month but never me.”
“He would also ruin milestones such as my graduation by saying he was really disappointed in me.”
“Growing up it felt like I was constantly walking on eggshells and he never knew me because every conversation had to be kept at surface level.”
“If I said something wrong I’d be threatened and screamed at and lose the privilege of eating dinner.”
“He wasn’t a bad father and had a few good moments but these are just some reasons why I am opposed to taking him in and not so close to him.”
“Due to the fact that we never had a close relationship I decided that when he asked if I could take him in I said no.”
“Him and my mother are separated so she’s not an option, his family lives states away, and my siblings are both too young (19 and 21) meaning that I would be his only option.”
“Now I feel guilty for putting him in a nursing home because he is paying for it out of his own pocket and he’s not able to afford that.”
“I’m not punishing him I just don’t want to take care of him for the next 20 years because I have my own family now.”
“He also wasn’t terrible or abusive so I’m wondering if this is too extreme.”
“AITA?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
The Reddit community unanimously agreed that the OP was not the a**hole for placing her father in a nursing home:
Everyone agreed that, despite what the OP said, her father was indeed a bad father with behavior that could be considered abusive, with others pointing out how even if this wasn’t the case, he needed more care than the OP could provide herself:
“NTA.”
“You need to go back and read what you’ve just written.”
“He wasn’t a good father.”
“He was abusive.”
“Taking on the care of a parent is not easy under the best of circumstances.”
“You don’t owe him this.”- Taisiecat
“OP, as someone who has been working in nursing homes for over 10 years, I can tell you first hand we have residents who’s family’s do not speak to them, and also residents who’s family’s visit every single day.”
“If someone is living in a nursing home that doesn’t mean they are unloved.”
“If he needs 24/7 care, you do not have the ability to provide that care unless you hire private caregivers, which will cost as much, if not more than a nursing home.”
“Without the context from your childhood and how he treats you NTA.”
“With the context even more NTA.”
“It’s hard enough to move a parent into your home who is fully independent, moving someone in who needs assistance AND treats you like that- would be a disaster.”
“What if he starts treating your children the way he treated you?”
“You can not put your family in that position.”
“Good luck!”- Saffron_Maddie
“NTA.”
“But I think it’s important you realise that he was abusive.”
“Everything you describe from him is abuse.”- nemaline
“Even if he hadn’t belittled you, you shouldn’t feel guilty about not taking him in.”
“24/7 care is a huge commitment.”
“NO ONE should feel guilty for not doing that.”
“If he wants out of the nursing home, he can work with the nursing home’s social worker to find an apartment and get 24 hour home care.”
“You are NTA.”
“Shed the guilt.”- KingBretwald
“NTA, and you may not realize this OP, but the way he treated you was abusive behavior.”
“It was verbal/emotional abuse.”
“And the way he treated you was a terrible thing for a parent to do.”
“You are under no obligation to care for him.”- Introvertedlikewoah
“NTA, first you are on critical years for you to establish your life and as a person who has taken care of a parent full time I can tell you that the cost in terms of personal stress, mental health, additional costs and the physical toll are significant.”
“They even get to be more so when you are trying to do it for someone who you don’t have a good relationship with.”
“You need to allow those people most equipped to care for him to do so and there are social workers at those facilities to help him navigate the process.”
“Now, I feel a need to address one of your other comments as well.”
“The things you have said about your father and then the need to defend his actions screams a mountain of things that you need to investigate and deal with.”
“His actions are perfect examples of mental and emotional abuse.”
“You should do some reading on this and educate yourself on why you defend his actions and forms of emotional and mental abuse and manipulation.”
“This will help you in your own life and in every relationship you have in the future as well as dealing with your siblings and your father during this time.”- WhoJGaltis
“You: describes how he was terrible and verbally abusive towards you.”
“Also you: he wasn’t a bad father, he wasn’t terrible or abusive.”
“No, you’re NTA.”- magiemaddi
“‘He wasn’t a bad father’.”
“Yes he was.”
“‘He also wasn’t terrible or abusive’.”
“Yes he was.”
“You are NTA.”
“Be happy that, despite his cruelty, you managed to create a loving, stable, healthy home for yourself and your family.”
“Don’t jeopardize that by bringing him into it.”
“Because he’ll ruin it all for you.”- GrooveBat
“NTA.”
“But as someone who works admissions at a nursing home, make it very clear to social services that you will not take him in.”
“They may send him to the hospital and refuse to accept him back- do not go.”
“If he hasn’t, he probably needs to start applying for Medicaid and trying to get into a Medicaid nursing home.”
“You are 100% NTA.”
“You have to protect yourself and your peace first.”- Keeaos
“NTA.”
“I wouldn’t take care of a father like that.”
“I wouldn’t give him even a cent to help with his costs either.”
“Let him suffer the consequences of treating you like sh*t.”- Successful-Work6461
“NTA.”
“Even if he had been the best father in the world, placing someone in a nursing home when they require 24/7 care is not cruel, it’s responsible.”
“You’re not a geriatric nurse, and caregiver burnout is very real.”
“It doesn’t make you a bad daughter to acknowledge that you’re not equipped to meet the level of care he needs.”
“But in your case, it goes deeper.”
“His current health doesn’t erase history.”
“This isn’t about punishment.”
“It’s about self-preservation.”
“You didn’t abandon him, you made sure he had care.”
“That’s more than a lot of people would’ve done in your position.”- NoDanaOnlyZuuI
“NTA.”
“I always say that there are a lot of seniors who die in nursing homes without ever having had a visitor because they were terrible parents and their actions have consequences.”
“Your dad will be one of them.”
“He must see how poor his parenting was if his golden children aren’t stepping up to care for him and likely won’t visit him either.”
“Karma always gets served.”- CaptainBvttFvck
As others have pointed out, even if the OP’s childhood was idyllic, her father requires round-the-clock care, something the OP simply cannot provide.
Seeing as her childhood was nowhere close to idyllic, it seems clear that allowing her father to move into her home won’t be good for anyone in the long run.
Making it clear that the OP made absolutely the right decision.