Getting engaged and married is a triumphant experience for many.
Many people plan for it their whole lives.
However, some people use that joy as a weapon.
Some couples get hitched early, some late... is it all a competition?
Redditor Overall-Flower-6289 wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback, so naturally, she came to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subreddit.
She asked:
"AITA for telling off my sister at her birthday dinner?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"Here's some important context: My sister (28 F[emale]) recently got engaged to her now fiancé (28 M[ale])."
"We only recently found out about the engagement, even though they've been engaged for 2 months."
"Before their engagement, they were only dating for a month or so."
"When my sister announced her engagement, we were all shocked to say the least, but we congratulated her and we celebrated."
"However, she has now made it a point to keep making fun of the fact that she got engaged before me (25 F), even though I've been in a l[ong] d[istance] r[elationship] with my B[oy]F[riend] (28 M) for 4 years."
"In fact, everyone was surprised that she got engaged before me."
"I've told her multiple times that I'm not bothered that she got engaged before me, since she is the older sister, so it only makes sense."
"Now here is where I might be TA."
"We were at her birthday dinner a few days ago."
"Once again, at this birthday dinner, she started the whole thing about how she got engaged before me."
"I was just going to let it slide since it was her birthday dinner and her fiancé was there, and I don't really know him that well."
"However, she then said that app they were planning that if they found out that my BF was going to propose to me, they were going to get engaged the day before just to beat me to it."
"As soon as I heard that, I lost it and told her that she's making it seem as though she only got engaged just to spite me."
"The mood turned sour, and eventually we all went home."
"My parents think I overreacted since, according to my sister, that comment was only a joke."
The OP was left to wonder:
"So AITA for telling off my sister at her birthday dinner?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed in on some options to the question AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared that OP was NOT the A**hole.
"NTA, but here's the good news."
"She's also on track to get divorced before you." ~ Foofieness
"So it was 'only a joke?'"
"Ask her to explain to everyone how it's funny."
"Then repeat as necessary that you don't get it."
"Forcing someone to explain what they call a joke is a great way for them to see it's not funny at all." NTA." ~ Weird_Resort3095
"NTA, and yes, it does sound like she only got engaged to be First."
"What type of person does that?"
"Your family doesn't even know the guy, nor does she really."
"Tell her it's nothing to be proud of or gloat about."
"What's next in her crazy mind?"
"Getting pregnant to be first?"
"Sky Diving?" ~ Tina-Tuna
"NTA. Sounds like she has some serious Main Character Syndrome."
"No one cares who gets engaged and when, except apparently her."
"This is a ridiculous thing to be competitive over."
"If you do get engaged, don't invite her to the wedding unless she has a major attitude adjustment." ~ thechaoticstorm
"NTA... sounds like she just did it to 'beat' you in a game only she's playing."
"She kept making the same comments over and over to get a reaction that's not a joke, but pushing to make you react and then act victim when you do."
"I can't stand these kinda people and their psycho mind games." ~ BeltIcy4293
"NTA. Just to be certain, OP, your sister recently got engaged to someone she's only been dating for ONE month?"
"I'm just going to quote Elsa from Frozen."
"'Can't marry a man you just met' each there own, but that's just a train wreck waiting to happen." ~ Cut_over_pompanox
"NTA - your sister is clearly competing with you over something in which there should be no competition."
"I would have said something too."
"Otherwise, she just would have continued with the unfunny 'joke.'" ~ CeeceeATL
"NTA... and something tells me your sister's marriage is doomed from the start."
"She got engaged after only knowing someone for a month, and apparently, only got engaged so she could beat you to it." ~ Specific-Syllabub-54
"Being the birthday girl should get you a little bit of slack, like getting a little drunk slack or blurting out something stupid and minor slack."
"Telling your younger sister that you engaged a month after meeting someone to ensure that she wouldn't get engaged first is pretty major."
"NTA. She doesn't get that much slack." ~ MystifiedByPeople
"Before even reading the last paragraph, I suspected she got engaged that quickly just to 'beat' you to it."
"NTA, but you did fall into her trap."
"She's the one who keeps bringing it up, clearly looking to get a rise from you."
"Now she's had it and gets to play victim."
"Sounds like an attention seeker." ~ Putrid_Performer2509
"You know, I am going with NTA, but... really, nothing you say will be as bad as the consequences of her rushing to get married like this."
"At least you know, she will be the 1st engaged, likely the 1st married, maybe the 1st with a kid... but also the 1st divorced..."
"Just saying."
"Personally, with this sort of family drama, I would get a courthouse wedding."
"I am betting your sister's drama will blow up at your wedding, and it isn't worth the headache." ~ KSknitter
"NTA. I'm guessing (and I'm really playing armchair psychologist here) she had a lot of insecurities about you finding a long-term partner before she did, and now that she has a fiancé, she was expecting you to feel a similar way."
"I feel like when people see others being unaffected by things they would struggle with, they poke and prod to try to get a reaction out of them."
"Almost like a 'I know this bothers you, why are you hiding it' so they make it a thing until they get the reaction they expected." ~ patrick119
"NTA... your sister is being ridiculous."
"She seems to think of this all as a competition, wonder how her fiancé feels about getting engaged to one-up her sister."
"Your best approach is to ignore her, though reminding her that you aren't participating in this little competition she has going on might be tempting 😇."
"Seriously, your sister has issues if she's being this pathetic about something that no one else gives a flying f**k about." ~ LottieOD
"NTA. If it was a 'joke,' it stopped being funny the third or fourth time she weaponized it."
"Jokes don't land if the punchline is 'I'm obsessed with outdoing my sister.'"
"You didn't ruin her birthday; she did, by turning your relationship into a running gag in front of everyone."
"She's not the victim here."
"She's just mad you finally said out loud what everyone was thinkin.'" ~ LullabbyMystic
"NTA, but this is where you need to bust out your pitying look."
"She's pathetic, and everyone can see that, so don't let her get under your skin." ~ __The_Kraken__
"I think it's funny that you said that you were gonna let it slide because you didn't really know her fiancé."
"But looking at the timeline for your sister's relationship with him, it kinda looks like she doesn't really know him either. NTA."
"If she brings it up again, either make the joke that she'll be divorced before you are, or you're so glad that she's able to find a placeholder for her first husband." ~ Professional-Hornet2
"NTA. Just respond that you didn't realize there was a contest, but now that you've been made aware, you're not participating, mostly because engagement and your wedding should both be about loving your partner and planning for your future together, but also because it should not be about competition."
"Make sure you add: What a weird thing to try to flex about."
"Seems pretty immature." ~ HelpfulMaybeMama
"NTA. You were not the one constantly bringing up the engagement timeline."
"SHE was."
"Your sister kept reintroducing the subject and poking the bear."
"Your response was perfectly valid, and she has no one to blame for how the dinner went but herself." ~ Far_Quantity_6133
"NTA. She's jealous that your 4-year LDR relationship is going better than her 2-month relationship, which is probably why she got engaged so fast, and she feels like since you've been in a relationship for 4 years means you're closer to a marriage than she is, even though she's older." ~ DancoholicsSCX
"It's not a joke when what was said was meant to hurt you."
"AND... no one way laughing, so it wasn't a joke."
"Don't let any of them turn gaslight on you on this."
"Seems as if she's jealous of you."
"That's a dangerous emotion."
"There's also nothing you can do about it, even if you knew what she's jealous of. NTA." ~ Outrageous-forest
"NTA. If she is continually 'joking' about it, it's not a joke."
"She has other issues going on."
"Jealousy, etc."
"I am willing to bet they don't get married and will end up broken up before the wedding."
"This is why people shouldn't rush into marriage, because I agree with others."
"She will end up broken up or divorced before you will." ~ jjrobinson73
Reddit agrees with you, OP.
Your sister has no right to treat you this way.
Don't let her judge your relationship by hers.
She has her own issues to figure out.
Keep speaking your mind.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp