When someone we love is diagnosed with a condition or an illness, especially cancer, our first inclination is to panic or grieve, and also to show them support however we can.
But there are some ways we can show support that are far more meaningful than what has been popularized on social media, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor alakazam121's young niece had just been diagnosed with Leukemia, and most of his family had shaved their heads in solidarity after hers had to be shaved.
Because his hair was an important aspect of his identity, the Original Poster (OP) wasn't ready to cut his hair, even though his family was pressuring him to do the same.
He asked the sub:
"AITAH for refusing to cut off my hair because my seven-year-old niece has cancer?"
Tragic news recently struck the OP's extended family.
"I am 17 (Male). Unfortunately, about six weeks ago, my niece got diagnosed with ALL (Acute Lymphoblastic Leukemia)."
"Considering she has pretty much had health issues since birth, words can not describe how bad I feel for my aunt, uncle, cousin, and especially my niece. It basically broke their family apart."
"Even though I had never been that close with them, I really tried to emotionally support them (especially my cousin) to really let him know that I'm there for him and that he can tell me whatever is going on inside his mind at any time, anywhere, which he has already done a couple of times."
But when the family wanted to show symbolic support, too, the OP wasn't ready.
"Last week, due to the results of chemo, my niece's beautiful, long blonde hair started to fall off, so they immediately shaved her head."
"The next day, a group chat including the entire family was created where my aunt announced it would be wholesome if everyone shaved their hair off as well to show their support, including a picture where the four of them all smiled without any hair on their heads."
"I'll admit, I did think it was wholesome, but I doubted anyone else would do it."
"Two hours later, I arrived at home to see both my sister and mother bald, followed by my other cousin and grandma."
"The next day, when I woke up and entered the living room, my mom asked, 'When are you ready to do it?' while holding an electric hair trimmer in her hand."
The OP felt pressured to do something he really did not want to do.
"I originally thought it was something to decide on your own, but since everyone else is doing it, I'm kind of being pushed into a corner."
"I don't want to sound egoistic, but I'm a guy with long hair, which over the years has basically become my personality. It's pretty much the only thing about myself that I love, and I really don't think that I want to shave it off."
"YES, if I shave it, my niece could be shocked that her long-haired cousin finally shaved his hair off in order to support her."
"But if I have to keep things real, and I might sound extremely rude here, but my aunt made a video showing my niece's reaction to my mom and sister shaving their heads off, and she did not even seem to slightly care about it."
"The video call went like this: My aunt tried to show the picture to my niece, who was watching a cartoon. She has to tap her maybe four times to get her attention, and when she looks, she just stared at it, said, 'Wow,' and continued watching her cartoon."
"I noticed after this video, my mom started to kind of become pushy towards me shaving my hair, to show my support. Again, this might sound rude, but in other words, she wants to drag me down into the pit with her."
"This morning, I got a text from my aunt, where she said it would be really nice if I shaved my head as well, in order to show my emotional support towards my niece."
The OP felt conflicted.
"If we have to keep things real, shaving my head will basically change nothing in the entire situation, but I can't just say no, can I? I seriously, really don't know what to do."
"If my aunt had shown a little more appreciation to my sister and mom, I would have probably considered it. But considering she did not even reply to the pictures and just immediately showed them to my niece, as if you HAVE to do it, I don't think I'm willing to do it."
"Don't get me wrong, I love my niece, and even though I'm not that close with her, I always really cared about her and made sure she always felt comfortable with me, and I have a lot of fun memories with her when she was a little girl. It's just that when they moved a couple of towns away, we started seeing them less and less."
"But really, what do I do? I'm almost getting threatened to cut off my hair by three people. And if I do decide to do it, what if no appreciation is shown? Yes, I would have done it, to show support from my side, but if it's not even appreciated, then what's the point?"
"AITAH?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some reassured the OP that cutting his hair was not the only way to show his support.
"If I, God forbid, got cancer. I would find it extremely condescending for everyone to do this."
"'Showing' support is not the same as a phone call or coming to visit. Which is actually showing support. This is performative and attention-seeking." - Upstairs-Result7401
"When my mum got sick and needed to shave her head, she was absolutely fuming at my brother for suggesting it. As she explained, she felt bad enough with the reminder every time she looked in the mirror; she didn't need one while looking at her kids." - FindingHomeliness
"I had to tell my family not to shave their heads when I got recently diagnosed with lymphoma because it's making it about them when it's really not, and this isn't my defining characteristic. It's bad enough that I have to walk around bald-headed headed; they don't need to all do it, as well." - Ladystech915
"I have breast cancer now. I am going through chemo now, and my family laughed and suggested shaving their hair together for me."
"I immediately told them no. It does nothing to help me, and the thought of my poor family having to go through the hair growth stage for no reason is nonsense. Just be there for me is all I ask." - Blue_Star_Child
"Not even visiting to show they shaved their heads! Mom and sis just had a picture sent. No wonder niece isn't impressed. 'Look sweetie, here's a picture of people who did something that in no way improves your situation! Aren't you happy?'"
"No, it's a picture of my relatives with bad haircuts that I am self-conscious about when I'm not looking at it. Why would I want to see more of it?"
"I understand wanting to show solidarity, but only after asking if that would help. If I were going blind, having everyone around me wearing blindfolds 'in solidarity' would feel insulting. I don't need solidarity, I need help navigating my new reality. Same with this." - Shibaspots
"I went through cancer two years ago."
"My family/friends supported me by driving me to appointments, bringing food, and checking in on me regularly."
"No one shaved their heads for me. That wouldn't have done anything to help me through the process of going through cancer."
"I don't understand why people think shaving their head does anything to help. All it does is put the focus on them instead of the person going through cancer." - StardustGrindcarver
Others encouraged the OP to show support in a way he was comfortable with, no coerced into.
"NTA, it isn't exactly support if it's done under coercion. And nobody should force anybody to change their body if they are unwilling, for someone else." - Happyweekend69
"I recently had a cancer scare. Fortunately, it turned out to be something that just needs to be watched. While waiting, I was pretty stressed."
"To deal, my daughter and I would make morbid jokes. We've been through some rather rough s**t, so it's how we've developed our trauma response. She looked at me and said, 'I hope you don't want me to shave my head.'"
"Of course I don't! It's so into the mainstream that that's what you do when someone you love gets cancer, that she was genuinely worried I would expect it. She's 20. I absolutely wouldn't want her to do that!" - Successful-Foot3830
"My aunt, uncle, and cousin did this 'for' my mom. They tried to push me into doing it too, but my mom never asked anyone to, wasn't upset about losing her hair, and loved my hair."
"She would have been p**sed if I'd have shaved it. She also hated her own hair and was excited for the excuse to shave it off. It strikes me as more attention seeking than supportive." - mrsjuicyhotkiss
"Since the kid is seven, just talk to the kid. Explain that you don't want to shave your head, but would rather do something."
"Ask the child what they would like to do. Go with you to a special ice cream spot, go to a park to play, go to a kids' museum,or go to the zoo? Something fun that isn't focused on her diagnosis." - MsDJMA
"It looks like it's the parents who are making it a big deal. They are probably having a hard time processing the situation and instead are focusing everything on this smaller problem that they created in the first place. I think making fun memories that you enjoy together would be way more important than shaving your head." - Tibbybrokstuffagain
While the subReddit could understand that the family had a lot to process right now and this hyperfixation on everyone shaving their heads to "show support" was likely their way of coping right now, it did not have to be the OP's way of coping and showing support, too.
Rather, if there was something else he wanted to provide for his family, or if he wanted to create fun memories with his cousin, those would be things that would be far more meaningful and helpful than shaving his head, and it would save him from doing something he wasn't ready to consent to.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp