Whether or not to have children at your wedding is something lots of couples grapple with.
Once the decision is made, invariably some guests will take issue with it.
A bride turned to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for feedback on if she would be an a**hole (WIBTA) if she kept her wedding child-free.
Snjxx asked:
“WIBTA if I uphold our rule of child free wedding if it means my sister-in-law (SIL) won’t come?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“My wedding is a micro event for around 25 people max in early August. I have a sister with two kids under 3 and a brother with a kid who’s around 1 year-old at the time.”
“We are child free and want our wedding to be as well. Just a quick dinner and cake with family and friends, nothing special. Even our ceremony was a civil one with three witnesses earlier this month.”
“There’s no ceremony or official photos. If there was I’d be more inclined to agree, seeing as I’d want the whole family present.”
“So my sister comes from across the country (500km so around 300 miles) and is happily leaving the kids with their paternal grandparents and is accomodating to our wishes and even said she’s happy for a child free weekend.”
“My SIL on the other hand is different. She and my brother live under 30mins away.”
“At first she was happy with our offer to hire an on-site babysitter (I know they wouldn’t leave their child anywhere) or even two, knowing they’d be anxious.
“Then about a month ago she let me know she can’t leave her child with a stranger, even them being at the other end of the same house and if their child couldn’t participate, she might have to stay home with the kid.”
“I think they might have tried having someone babysit and it caused a lot of anxiety for the parents? The kid is 1-year-old and has never spent time with anyone without the parents at least in the same house. So maybe the reality kicked in.”
“I then suggested she ask someone she knows and is comfortable with and we’d pay them what we’d pay for the other babysitter. She said it’s difficult for her 1-year-old to miss out on their aunt getting married.”
“What? One year-olds run around and throw food and scream, while cute of course they’re not missing out on anything! They don’t understand yet!”
“So now if the friend can’t come to babysit or doesn’t agree to our pay, am I a horrible bridezilla if I refuse to make an exception for a one-year-old on our ‘no kids’ policy? Is denying the one-year-old worth not having my SIL at my wedding?”
“I might cave if there were other kids who I had to turn away, the wedding was bigger and they’d get lost in the chaos/noise, but I fear they will cause some sort of disturbance no matter how well they behave.”
The OP summed up their situation.
“Will I be the a**hole if I keep the rule of no children at the wedding, even if that might mean my SIL doesn’t come?”
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
“NTA, you have offered your SIL two reasonable alternatives. It’s her choice now, you don’t need to take it personally if she chooses to come or not. Your one-year-old niece/nephew is not missing out on anything, they will not remember your wedding.” ~ _goneawry_
“I was somewhere between 4-6 when one of my uncles got married. I say somewhere between those ages because, while I was there, I do not remember a single thing except where it was at, and that’s because we still vacation there every summer.” ~ dqt91
“NTA. SIL is unreasonable. It’s your wedding, so your rules.”
“My husband and I have 7 children. We have attended non-childfree weddings without our children because they can be a lot. I definitely wouldn’t have ever insisted that someone make exceptions to allow my children to attend.”
“Let SIL stay home with her baby if that’s what she’s choosing to do.”
“Also, don’t be surprised if she shows up with the baby, assuming you won’t turn her away in person.”
“Stick to your guns, OP. It’s your day. Congratulations!!! Best wishes for many years of wedded bliss.” ~ Atzima
“NTA, she’s trying to manipulate you to get her own way. Don’t fall for it. Stop offering alternatives. Just tell her it’s a shame she won’t be there but c’est la vie.” ~ pixie-ann
“YWNBTA. Your wedding, your rules. It’s really that simple. And the one-year-old will ‘miss out’… dry that out and fertilize a cornfield.”
“Your SIL doesn’t want to come. That’s the truth of it. She just wants an excuse so she can blame it on you.” ~ H_Lunulata
“NTA… just like the three soon-to-be-married folks asking this same question every week.”
“OP: ‘Wedding is child-free’.”
“Relative: ‘But I’m special and entitled and have a special and entitled child I want to bring! Can I?’.”
“OP: ‘No’.”
“Relative: “TANTRUM!!!’.”
“OP: ‘AITA for having spoiled AH relatives who birthed spoiled AH children?’.”
“No, of course not.” ~ Wonderful_Two_6710
“NTA—from someone who wouldn’t personally have a child-free wedding.”
“You’ve decided on child-free. It’s up to her to get baby acclimated to someone she trusts to stay with them overnight beforehand. If not, that’s on her.” ~ Pale_Cranberry1502
“NTA. She is choosing to stay with her child which is totally understandable. You are choosing a childfree wedding which you are perfectly entitled to do. The two aren’t compatible and therefore she will miss the wedding.”
“Trying to guilt you by saying the one-year-old will miss it is silly because the one-year-old won’t remember. Stand your ground, you have provided very reasonable options that she has declined, as is her right.” ~ Less_Instruction_345
“Yep, ran into this at my child-free wedding. One of my husband’s uncles thought he and his daughter were magically exempt from the child-free rule because they were traveling to our wedding.”
“MIL basically said he was indeed not exempt and I couldn’t ‘make an exception’ for his daughter because then we’d have to ‘make an exception’ for the other kids too. He managed to arrange for his daughter to spend the weekend with a friend.” ~ Pascale73
“NTA. You can set the rules you want for your wedding. It would be NAH if SIL respected your wishes and just didn’t come instead of pushing back.” ~ Allaboutbird
“I was two when my aunt and uncle got married. My sister was in the wedding and I stayed home with a babysitter. Do I even remember the event or missing out? Nope. Not at all.” ~ BestAd5844
“NTA. It won’t be hard on the one-year-old to miss their aunt getting married. They have no concept of that yet.”
“It sounds like it’s really just hard on your SIL to be apart from her baby right now, and if that’s the case, she can make the decision to stay home.”
“There’s no reason for you to alter your plans or accommodate her here. You’re not targeting her, she’s aware of the rules and can make her own decision on whether to come or not.” ~ CrimsonKnight_004
“It’s your wedding, so it’s your call. If you maintain having a child-free wedding you would be well within your right. This does not mean, however, that actions won’t have consequences, so be prepared for that.” ~ plantprinses
“NTA. You have made generous offers of accommodations and she’s the one who refused them. If it’s a huge issue maybe have her come to ceremony with child for pictures, but then can be excused to not attend reception.”
“Unless, of course, child can be cared for by a non family member on the other side of the house (which she has already said no to). It’s on her now.” ~ wisernow57
“NTA. You’ve offered options. Your day, your rules. Tell her it’s a shame she can’t figure out babysitting, but you’ll miss her at the dinner.” ~ dvnmsm
“NTA. You offered her a very reasonable option and she is clearly determined that she is going to try to force the issue. A 1‐year-old is going to get zero enjoyment from a wedding and would likely be much happier playing with a babysitter, even if they are a stranger.” ~ url0calnaee_
“NTA, you didn’t make exceptions for your own siblings and you provided a reasonable accommodation.” ~ Panoglitch
“It’s not difficult for a year old child to miss a wedding. It would be difficult for the child to know where they are at a wedding or what was happening.”
“Your SIL is being difficult because she has decided the rules don’t apply to her/her child and is threatening her attendance to get her way. Don’t give her the satisfaction.”
“Tell her you understand and will miss her but she must do what’s best for the child which in this case means staying home. NTA.” ~ GothPenguin
“Don’t give in, it’s your day. Tell her no! A 1 year old literally doesn’t even know what a foot is, saying they will miss out on the aunt getting married when they have no clue what a wedding even is, is ridiculous! YWNBTA” ~ RileysVoice
While a child-free wedding isn’t everyone’s cup of tea, it’s what OP wants and what everyone agreed to.
If her sister-in-law is unable to attend without her child, the she’s unable to attend.