A couple that can decide on an equitable division of labor in their home is at a great advantage.
A couple that can afford to hire others to help with those less desirable chores can also avoid the usual conflicts about who does what jobs around the house that plague other couples.
But what if their families don’t approve of their arrangement?
Does respecting their elders include not responding to criticism and insults?
A wife in conflict with her in-laws turned to the “Am I The A**Hole” (AITAH) subReddit for feedback.
Similar to AITA, the AITAH subReddit allows posters to ask for advice and post about ending romantic relationships—both things that are banned on AITA. However there are no official voting acronyms and no final judgment given.
Medium-Role-7446 asked:
“AITAH for being disrespectful to in-laws, because I said I am not their son’s servant?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“Used fake western names in story. No real names.”
“I am 28, female, married to my husband Tyler 30, male. We both are Asians. I also have a son 1, male. My family lives nearby, and we pay for a full-time nanny under their supervision for his care.”
“In Asian culture, women, whether they work or not, have to contribute most of the household work. But with the new generation, we girls are putting our foot down and are not allowing this.”
“My husband and I work at the same organization and met there when we were 22 and new members. It is a public sector Central Bank, and it has the same position and job. We make the same salary and work 10 to 6 Mon to Friday.”
“We both make six figures and have household help for cleaning. But cooking is on me, and my husband does laundry and utensils (the household cleans them most ). Baby’s care is mostly on me. I feel lucky to be in this position as we are saving for a house and our rental is leased by the bank.”
“My in-laws have retired and are visiting here for month. Overall, there are no major issues with them, and my child loves them, and they love him too. But seeing my husband doing household chores, their faces speak a million words.”
“So my mother-in-law (MIL) started saying, during evening snack time, that women in their generation managed both homes and work. The girls are too lazy now. Father-in-law (FIL) said that he is proud of his wife for managing both. And jokingly said , my husband is henpecked.”
“My husband stayed silent.”
“I also sarcastically replied that I have no interest in being a servant to their grown-up son and how I had to train him for basic chores during the initial days as a couple, six years back. As they failed to teach him basic life things. I will make sure my son learns everything. So his future partner will never complain.”
“I also said how men and previous in-laws generations exploited women, which led to many women being bitter and taking it out on their next generation of daughters-in-law. My mother had to cook for a family of ten people because only then grandmother took care of me and my siblings.”
“My in-laws got angry and said I am being disrespectful. I just said I am being truthful.”
“Since then, mil and I are not talking. Fil is OK, though. My husband said to apologize, and they are here for some weeks only and also love our son. That’s true, but I don’t see why I should apologize. They started it. I can’t be fake diplomatic person.”
“My husband is now giving me the cold shoulder and told me that I made him look less masculine. He said his father already pointed out, that my husband removes chest hair and finds it very girly thing to do.”
“That previous generagion men were proud of their chest hair.. But I never pressured him to do that or remove them. It is his choice only.. so I don’t know why he brought this up!”
“He becomes different person, whenever his parents visit. Otherwise, he is chill husband.”
“Am I the a**hole for being disrespectful to elders?”
The OP later added:
“Someone said I am training my husband as a dog. WTF? I feel like clearing it. Because he couldn’t even make a sandwich for himself.”
“I trained him in household chores. I treat him with respect, and he gives me the same.”
“When we started dating, he expected me to do all. It is case with most men here. I have to teach him to do basic chores. How it is disrespectful?”
“I thought teaching someone to learn something is called training? I never saw it as a negative word, and, yes, English isn’t my first language.”
Some Redditors weighed in by using the AITA voting acronyms:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not wrong (NTA).
“Maybe he’d be respected as a grown man more if he acted like one and refused to let people disrespect him and his wife in their own home… NTA.” ~ I_wanna_be_anemone
“Why isn’t he telling your MIL to apologise? NTA.” ~ Perfect_Ring3489
“NTA! I think you are brilliant, and you stood up for yourself so well. Your husband is sadly a weak and cowardly man, such a shame.”
“Maybe you can train him to have some sort of backbone and support his wife, though that should also not be your responsibility.”
If the husband had confidently stood up for his wife, then perhaps he would feel ‘more masculine’.” ~ pixie-ann
“NTA, he chose you, it is his family. He should have stood up and told them they didn’t teach him the basics. He could have said that the times have changed and his relationship is build on equality.”
“You are both doing both (home and work) the same amount. He did not. That’s the only thing that would have made him more masculine.”
“They disrespected you in your own home. He disrespected you by keeping silent. Time for your husband to finally grow up.”
“You were amazing, and I’m glad you want to teach your son differently. Tell your husband he needs to apologize to you and then sort out his problems with his parents.”
“He can apologize to them and tell them he is sorry he did not intervene and that if they don’t change their attitude, they are not welcome anymore at your house.”
“It can be hard to get over traditions. Good luck with that. Oh, and if he doesn’t feel masculine without his hair, he can grow it back. Like, WTF?” ~ Lumi1992
“He thinks you make him look less masculine? Standing up for your wife, and having the courage of your convictions makes you more masculine than bowing to your mummy.” ~ GossyGirl
The OP provided an update:
“The day I made post, I left home with my son and moved to my parents’s house. They just live two kilometres away. Tyler, his parents were out with his family friends.”
“He called me 100 times, and I dropped a message. That I am at my parent’s house and only bother me, when he can stand for me in front of his parents. He can come and visit our son anytime.”
“In the evening, he came and begged me to come back. He said he told his parents to respect me, and he won’t tolerate any sh**. I told him, if it’s true, I will come. But if I see any sign of disrespect again, I will choose to separate.”
“I am not a doormat, and he has to stand for me. The days of Indian girls being submissive are over. I am a woman from a metro city, who knows her rights and earns a six-figure salary. I am not dependent on him.”
“My parents and brother Sahil, sister-in-law Shyla , said their home is always open for me ( it is my bro’s house and both my brother, sil work. My parents lives with them and take care of their children and my sil loves my parents ). My brother said my sister isn’t an orphan, with no family support and he won’t tolerate this bs.”
“My sister in law Shyla said , I am like her sister and her doors are always open for me. Frankly , it made me feel like crying. I never have a sister and she is like one. But yeah she was my college roomie and I set her up with my brother. Maybe that’s why.”
“Tyler said he would never allow any disrespect against me, and we went back. The car ride was emotional and well we made out in the car, while our son was sleeping ¿.
“Reminded me of our hostel days, when we used to sneak out in the park or his bike to make out. He said he can’t live without me. I said love bombing won’t work alone, and he has to show with his actions. We reached home.”
“My mil started hugging me sweetly, and she said she meant no harm. My family started saying , you are our house’s Lakshmi ( a goddess of fortune ), and they didn’t mean any harm. I told them I am a human and shouldn’t be compared with a goddess.”
“My husband loudly said, I am his wife, and it is my house. They have to respect me. Note in old age, I am expected to help my husband with his parents’s care. So it’s better to start building boundaries already. They also know it and have backed off.”
“Too much sweetness for me, but whatever my husband said, it has worked so far. They haven’t said a bad word since, and I am fine with it. I won’t apologise, and I don’t expect any apology.”
“The trip is going fine now. My husband even cooked for me. My mil and i am having discussions and it is going fine. I think I have made my point. I have my family support, which many Indian girls don’t get post-marriage.”
“I earn well and take care of my son. I know many will say about old age care thing. But it is an unsaid expectation here. That’s why I wanted to build boundaries beforehand.”
It sounds like the OP finally got her husband’s support.
Hopefully he doesn’t forget that she has options that don’t include kowtowing to him or her in-laws.